fireflys_locket | Entries tagged with spirituality

When the clocks changed, so did my mood and motivation. In the last week, I finally finished the first chapter of Dreaming in Shadow, got through half of the second chapter, and wrote a whole chapter Magic Inc. Maybe that sounds great. And most of the way through, it was. But by my fourth day in a row of writing, I was pushing myself too much. See, around this time of the year, a lot of writers are doing NaNoWriMo. And let's just be honest, I hate NaNo. The idea of writing a whole story in a month makes me feel ill. I don't want to force writing out every day. I don't want to care about word counts. But then, other writers I know do NaNo and post about their word counts and such. And I'm jealous.

Yeah, I'll admit to that. I'm glad that I'm sticking to my ideals and the way I work best. But NaNo does produce visible results, and it makes me feel inferior. I'll have been working on Dreaming in Shadow for 10 years come December 24th. I've gone through ups and downs. The earliest chapters have been through 5+ versions. And I know NaNo is not the end of the story for writers who participate. I'm sure lots of great novels have surfaced out of NaNo. But the point of NaNo has been stated as "quantity, not quality". And I just can't agree with that at any point of the way.

Still, my Ego gets jealous at the results. The Ego likes numbers. And even though it was disguised as getting to see how ridiculous getting that much writing done in a month would be for me, I pushed myself on Wednesday to make the 1,667 words in a day that would be a daily amount to reach 50,000 words in a month. With only a couple of 20 minute breaks and one hour-long break, it took me all day. And I was ill by the end of the day.

I was so drained and sick that, the next day, I read an article that triggered me so much I had to crawl in bed sobbing. I will totally claim my part of this. If I hadn't overworked for four days in a row, I probably could have gotten past this with just a minor bad mood. But that's not what happened. And now, I feel like I have to say something.

I like my attachments.

I enjoy reading The Daily Love and other spiritual sites. I honestly do. But occasionally, I'll hit a post that triggers me. (And often, it's not that bad when I go back to it. My own emotional state when I read almost always plays a role.) But I definitely have an issue with the "release attachments" way of thinking. This article makes mention of it in a way of saying that if we're too attached to an outcome we'll never get it. And he used the example of a friend of a friend trying to find "the one". He was apparently too attached to this idea and only found someone when he stopped looking. This triggered me because it was basically telling me to give up my attachment to finding Morgan. And that just sent me into hysterics.

Look, I'm not going to argue over what works for other people. Everyone is different. But I hear this "release attachments" way too often. I hate the idea that - to make ourselves more spiritual - we have to be unattached to things. We may be spiritual beings having a human experience, but we are still human. Yes, occasionally, being too attached can bring you pain. But I don't believe the right way to react to that is to not care. I want to be attached to finding Morgan. I want to be attached to being known as a writer. I don't want to "release my attachment to the outcome" of those things. In fact, trying to release those things would give me the pain of repressing core parts of myself.

I do believe there's something to be said about not being attached to exactly how and when these things will happen. But I do need these things in my future. And I want to need them. They are part of who I am. I will do my best to follow where the Universe guides me and understand that It knows best. But I was not given these dreams for no reason. I was meant to be invested in finding my Soulmate. And I will never give that up. Not for anything.

Current Mood: irritated
Current Music: Katy Perry - Double Rainbow | Powered by Last.fm

I've talked about this before. But I'm going to talk about it again. If you feel you've heard enough from me on this topic, that's fine.

I stumbled upon a Tumblr post, which listed out many links to articles with writing tips. Now, I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to trash all of these tips. In fact, I saved the link so I could come back and check on it again... once I've calmed down. I think there's probably a lot of good tips in there. However, I found myself clicking on a few (I was particularly drawn to ones with names I found triggering, but that's another topic...) and not being very happy with what was being said.

I also want to mention that pretty much whenever I say something about how I feel, I am not saying that everyone should feel this way. I'm not saying that what works for me has to be the right thing for you. Usually, I'm actually trying to work against the idea, that one way works for everyone. Because it doesn't. What works for me, may not work for you at all. And what works for you, could very well be all wrong for me. Okay, now, that we've covered that...

Something I hear a lot from professional writers is that, to be a true professional, you need to schedule writing time. You need to work even when you aren't feeling inspired. Work hard. Push yourself. Struggle against your boundaries. Get as much done as you possibly can. Well, let me tell you... that doesn't work for me.

Now, I'm not saying you don't have to put hard work into your writing. Most things worth doing take a lot of continued effort. But all I see in those words I italicized is negativity. Do you see it, too? How about looking at words like... Inspiration. Freedom. Creativity. In my experience, creativity cannot be forced. Effort can be forced. Using creativity can be forced. But creativity is something far more natural. And yes, you can do things to encourage the flower to bloom, but it isn't the same as letting it unfold as it will. Creativity needs time and breathing room.

Lissa Rankin has written a series of articles talking about how "masculine" energy is so favored it our culture. She refers to this as pushing yourself as hard as you can to make things happen. And she mentions that this way can definitely work. You can make some things happen (but not all). But in this forcing your way through, you can become completely drained. You can start to feel like nothing you do is ever enough. You can feel like you have to keep working harder and harder to always do better. Pretty much until you die. Or become too sick to continue on in this way. Does that sound like a happy life to you?

The things is, maybe it does. And that's okay. If you are honestly the happiest when you are pushing yourself to the max, great! You need to work in the way that feels best for you. But that is not the only way to make things happen.

Lissa feels people need to get more in touch with their "feminine" energy. It's more about having faith and trusting the Universe (or God or whatever is out there) to help you. It's all about following the dance of inspiration as it strikes and not simply forcing your way through. It's about synchronicity. It's about being open to the idea of everything happening for a reason. It's also about patience. That dream you have may not be happening as quickly as you like. Trust me, I know that it can be hard (if not devastating) to wait for something you are secretly terrified will never happen. But there are some things you flat out cannot force.

People need a balance of both masculine and feminine energy. If you don't put effort into what you want to happen, it probably won't happen all on its own. Prayer and faith are lovely things, but you can't stand back and expect everything to happen just because you wish it. If you want to publish a book, effort must be put into making it happen. Period. But does it have to be this extremely draining, negatively charged experience? No. I don't believe it does.

My body naturally seems to interpret exhaustion as depression. I'm usually at my worst in the couple of hours before I go to bed. Even if I've had a decently good day, I can find myself falling into a depression at night. So, when I let myself get really drained during the day, it can be very painful to get through the evening, and actually, quite hard to get to sleep, even as tired as I am. I also seem to have less energy to work with just in general than the average person. That's just the way I am. So, I have to be smart about how and when I use my energy. And I also have to make sure I'm getting enough time to just relax.

Another concept I'd like to encourage again is that, sometimes, we may be in a cycle of getting a lot done in a short period of time. Other times, not so much. The important part is to use another typically "feminine" energy of intuition to feel whether we're more in a cycle of Expansion or Contraction. And try to be present in whatever cycle it is. Fighting the tides may be necessary occasionally, but following the waves of life is far less stressful. And it doesn't mean we won't get anything done.

Remember how I announced I wasn't going to make myself write for a couple of weeks? Well, I actually got a ton of writing done. I started the second drafts of Dreaming in Shadow and Magic Inc., finished a chapter of Miss Masquerade I'd been struggling with, wrote a full chapter of Spun of Silver, wrote some short scenes from random future stories, and even got about half-way into a new Hate You, Hate Me chapter. All of that in only two weeks. It's almost staggering. But this didn't happen because I was pushing myself. It happened because I let myself be completely free to follow whatever inspiration struck. And also, to let it be okay if it didn't.

Because that's how I work best. And I am done with trying it any other way.

The funny part is, back in 2008, I decided to make a step forward in my effort to write. And it worked. So, I know that sometimes you have to push through even when you aren't very motivated. That is something you may need in order to remain dedicated to your craft. But you don't have to get caught up in the idea that following your path is all about constantly struggling against the tides. Sometimes, it's totally okay to wait for the inspiration to come to you. Other times, you have to search for it. It's all about balance.

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Linkin Park - Iridescent

Last night, I posted this on Facebook, "You shouldn’t put someone or something down to push another person or thing up. It doesn’t help your cause; it just puts more negative energy out in the world. And trust me, there’s too much of that already." This was brought on partly by a post on Facebook asking who the real man was: a boy carrying water buckets or Justin Bieber, but also, by far too many references to "even this love story is better than Twilight" posts. This kind of stuff drives me nuts.

I'll gladly admit that I have a lot of love for Twilight. When it comes to Justin Bieber, I'm not really aware of him as a person, and I certainly wouldn't call him a musical genius, but his songs are cute, and there's nothing wrong with that. I couldn't care less whether or not you like Twilight or Justin Bieber. My point doesn't require that you like either. I just believe that using these sorts of negative comparisons doesn't help. It doesn't put good energy into the thing you're trying to boost up. It doesn't help that little boy to call him a real man in comparison to Justin Bieber. Most people, who see that post, will probably barely think about that boy. They are only liking the picture because they hate Justin Bieber, and afterwards, they are taking that negative energy away with them, not any good energy towards the boy. This helps no one.

Hatred and rudeness brings the whole world down. Sure, these comparisons are mostly harmless, but this is the sort of thing that can escalate. I believe I've mentioned before being disgusted seeing someone reply to a Gaia post about Twilight (in the Twilight forum), "I don't know you, but I hope you die a horrible death." Seriously? Wishing a horrible death on someone for what kind of fiction they enjoy? What really upset me, though was when, not too long ago, a close friend posted something telling fans of Taylor Swift to either shoot themselves or unfriend her. This is a friend, whom I love to no end and always saw as a very accepting person. This post scared me. It told me that even people, whom I loved and respected, could have this kind of hatred in them for such ridiculous reasons.

You want to use your anger and hatred? Great. Channel them into important things. Fight inequality, oppression, starvation, sickness, bullying, cruelty, abuse, genocide. Don't waste your power of anger on young adult books and pop stars. And if you want to show someone a love story that you think is better than Twilight, just tell them how great it is. You don't need to bring up how much you hate something else to make your loved thing look better. Or if you do, it's not that great in the first place.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Robyn Dell'Unto - Astronaut

One of my friends - who has written a great Sims story, by the way -

medleymisty, wrote out these questions. I haven't answered questions like this in some time. I love these things. But I won't promise my answers will be that interesting. I guess we'll see!

1. What's your favorite book, and why?

I'll admit that I'm not terribly well-read. Especially for a writer. I've read shamefully few classics in my couple of high school years. I always say that the only college class I would probably benefit from is one dedicated to studying classic literature, because I can't seem to make myself read them on my own.

I like Young Adult books. They may not be as technically well-written as Adult Fiction (though that's up for debate), but they often have, in my opinion, a lot more heart. When I read, I want to feel exactly what the character is feeling, more than I want to see what they are seeing. But if you're able to balance them both, that makes for a great book, indeed.

I change my very favorite book here and there, but my favorite book series is always Harry Potter. Jo Rowling is able to do just what I said: help us both feel and see. She has a vast world of characters and history. As someone creating a world just as big, I admire that. Plenty of Fantasy Fiction does great with world-building, but not all of them have as much heart as the Harry Potter books. That's what makes them special.

2. What's your favorite song, and why?

My favorite song changes even more than my favorite book. But there are a few songs I call on when I need to heal or cry. Might seem like a contradiction, but crying can be healing, sometimes. Anyhow, probably my favorite song would be Anna Nalick's In My Head, because she talks about pretending her soulmate is there with her, and that's what gets her through. And that's pretty much the core of my life. If I didn't let myself pretend to be with him, I wouldn't be able to make it through. Sounds kind of crazy, probably.

A close second would be Owl City's Vanilla Twilight. It's almost the male version of In My Head. Or at least, that's how I see it.

3. If you could eat anything ever, what would you eat?

Oreo cream pie. Honestly, anything with oreos is my weakness.

4. How did you come by your current beliefs?

I think I finally figured out most of what I truly believed in by writing it. Like when I made it that every character in my world had a soulmate, I realized that I believed that was true of our world, too. But I think I always knew what was true for me, even when I was little. Just years of growing up in Catholic School, trying to be the perfect Catholic, might have made me proclaim things I didn't really believe in. Just to note, I do believe in a God, but he isn't as unaccepting as the one I "grew up with".

5. If you had a spaceship, what would you name it?

Firefly! That both is and isn't a reference to the TV show. Basically, I would have named it that even if I hadn't seen the show, which I only watched for the first time a couple of years ago. But now, I do see it as a Firefly ship.

6. If you could turn into a small round thing and go up someone's nose and into their brain and see what it was like to be them, whose nose would you go up?

Oh, I would get way too queasy just thinking about seeing the inside of somebody's body. But if I had to choose someone, I guess I would go into Morgan. At least that would mean I knew where he was!

7. What is your personal definition of humility?

This is a really good question. As

medleymisty mentions in her post, it can be used to mean self-deprecating. And as someone, who struggles with self-esteem in a pretty extreme way, I can't say that sounds like a good thing. I think what it should mean is knowing your place in the world. Knowing that you're here for a reason, but also that you're connected to the whole world. Respecting that, in general, you're not more important than any other person. That everyone has a place in this world.

8. Pick up the book nearest you. Turn to page 87. What's the first full sentence?

Oh, how unfortunate...This page 87 just has a section title: Rogerson. It's from Sarah Dessen's Dreamland, which I haven't read yet, but I adore a couple of her other books, and this one came quite recommended. This will probably be what I start after I finish Mag Cabot's Insatiable, which is what I'm reading right now. But I have so many good sounding books here to read. <3

9. Do you have heroes? If so, who are they and why are they your hero(es)?

My personal hero is probably my Grandma. She had so much love in her. There were things we disagreed on, but mostly, I admired her strength of love and faith.

When it comes to writing and creating stories, Jo Rowling and Ai Yazawa are my heros. They've inspired me so much. I couldn't thank them enough.

10. Are you attached to your username as part of your identity, or do you have different usernames all over the internet?

Oh, this username means so much to me. If you don't know the history, I once typed it up here. I was getting a little irritated that people kept assuming I used the word firefly because of the Owl City song, when I actually came up with it a good 7-8 years beforehand. Not that I don't adore that song. I mean, if any celebrity were Morgan, it would be Adam Young. <3 And now, I should stop talking, because I'm embarrassing myself. :/

11. What do you think makes for a good healthy friendship?

Sometimes, I'm not sure if any of my friendships are that healthy. Usually, either my friends barely have any time for me, or I end up sucking the life out of them, because I'm so needy and depressing. On the other hand, I would do anything I could for my friends, but at times, I end up feeling like all I ever do is give. It doesn't make me want to give any less, but it does make me feel lonely.

I guess a healthy friendship would be where two people, with love and respect, supported each other, while not compromising their own well-being. But like I said, I'm not sure I know how to do that. I both give and need with such passion, that I think I would need someone, who could match that intensity. That's kind of where Morgan comes in. I need someone, who could be my best friend as well as my lover. Someone, who could handle all my passion. Haha.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Anna Nalick - Bleed

I have nothing against Twilight. Absolutely nothing. Okay, I hate the screaming fangirls, but I hate all screaming fangirls, so... yeah. I actually love the strong theme of soulmates in the series. It's beautiful, wonderful, and lovely. And so are the characters... beautiful... gorgeous... perfect... At least, physically. I don't at all see Edward as the "perfect man", but might be slightly off the topic.

In other media, too... we see beautiful people falling in love in movies and TV. We see seemingly flawless celebrities fall in love on and off set. And all these things are not wrong. I enjoy watching beautiful people in love just as much as everyone else.

The problem is... that's usually all we see. Where are the stories of the imperfect people? The overweight, insecure teenage girl and the geeky, pimply, just as insecure boy? We may get movies somewhat in this theme, but the actors always look more beautiful than the average person. And what does this do? It makes girls grow into women like me, who hate their bodies, and find it hard to imagine a guy would ever see through to the inner beauty.

Certainly, it doesn't do this single-handedly. But these images get into our heads, and we start to blur together love and beauty, when they are not at all the same thing. And then, that's what people desire. Perfect bodies, where perfect doesn't even exist. They expect it from themselves, their partners, and their idols. And these expectations feed the cycle. I actually read a comment recently on how an actor's large-ish nose ruined a romance movie for them. Seriously?

This body is tied to this Earth, and whatever comes afterward, we leave it behind. I think that should give you an idea of how important physical beauty is. Appreciate it, sure. There's nothing wrong with that. But above all, look through someone's eyes and listen to their words. That's where falling in love belongs.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

Recently I found this list on Tumblr:

Even more recently (AKA: Sunday), I ended up talking with my Aunt about how depressed I get around my birthday, which is on Memorial Day this year. I talked about getting depressed, mostly because another year passes, where I've yet to find my soulmate. Though I was thankul that for one year I could actually say one thing was going right in my life: writing, I would rather be happy with Morgan and struggling with writing, if given the choice. She said that it seemed things were moving along in the areas I was putting effort in. I told her there wasn't much I could do about what I really wanted, though. And then, I could see the conversation turning in a bad way. As with many people, talking about finding Morgan was not a safe subject. Jan started giving me the same things I've heard so often. I have to go out more and meet people.

World, listen... I have severe Social Anxiety. No, like... seriously. I don't handle social situations well. I can't go out much and never alone. But I'm okay with that. It's part of who I am. Why does nobody get it? Why does it seem that the most common reaction to an introverted person is to try to "fix" them? I realize I'm an extreme case - even my pesonality test has me at 100% introverted - but my point is still true. Why do all the movies try to makeover the quiet girl into a social butterfly? Isn't she beautiful the way she is?

I'm not saying it isn't good to try to gain more confidence. And occasionally, it might even be good to push yourself a little bit. If it's important. If you find you are keeping yourself from something you really want to do. But it is not okay the way everyone wants to make you change into a person that just not you anymore. That's never okay.

And going back to my conversation... when it comes to finding my soulmate, I want to find someone a lot like me (#10). A quiet person, who likes to stay home most of the time. Does it really make sense to push myself into social situations to find a person, who also avoids them? Isn't it way more likely to find that kind of person online? Maybe, he'll stumble onto my blog and fall completely in love. Or vice versa. To me, that seems way more likely.

Not that I'm totally against finding him in person. Not-so-secretly, I wonder if I'll meet him just about everytime I leave the house. And I have pushed myself to do the things that really call out to me. Hopefully, someday, I'll sit with LK Hunsaker in her book tent at craft shows or do some kind of book event at the mall bookstore, like the owner has offered to me... even though the idea of these things kind of terrifies me. But I'm not ever going to push myself to go out and be more social just for the sake of it. Hear that, world?! I like myself the way I am!

Side Notes: 1. I think I need to purchase Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking, which LK told me about, since I'm getting so fired up about the subject. 2. Anna Nalick's Shine is a fantastically inspirational song. It's my theme for Spun of Silver, no question. 3. Please fix your spell check button, LiveJournal. I'm a terrible speller, and I'm nervous enough posting with spell check.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Anna Nalick - Shine | Powered by Last.fm

My Grandma's birthday was a couple of days ago. It's the first birthday, where we couldn't throw her a party, and all of us are thinking of her last party... at the hospital. Truthfully, while I was sad, I didn't want to have that be the feeling on her birthday. That's not a day Grandma would want us to mourn. It's meant to be celebrated. But in the end, I couldn't quite get that celebration going, in myself or anyone else.

Still, lately, I've been watching shows and movies I used to watch with Grandma. Or even just ones I think she would like. And I can feel her laughing with me, watching with me, watching over me. I don't know why that part is so easy for me. My Mom says she wishes she could feel Grandma's presence, but part of me feels like my Mom is blocking it out, because it makes her sad. I don't know. I guess I just trust in Grandma being there for me always, whenever I need her.

So, though it is late, Happy Birthday, Grandma. Feel free to visit me often.

Current Mood: peaceful
Current Music: Michael Bublé - You And I | Powered by Last.fm

Part of the end of the ~ing journey (if there really was an end at all) is manifesting your desires by asking the universe for help and knowing your dreams are on their way. For the visioning, I made a virtual poster-board in Photoshop and covered it in images that made me think of my most precious dreams. When it came to finding Morgan, I used pictures from The Sims 3. I looked through most of the sims pictures I had, and though I'd normally prefer Sims 2 pictures, something about one of these pictures was special.

This picture - taken right after Morgan proposed - has me smiling at Morgan in a way that seems to me like I feel happy and secure in the fact that he loves me. That is what I want more than anything. I don't need a big house or a fancy wedding. This picture shows how I want to feel. Which is, apparently, the most important part of Visioning.

So, now, it's time for me to say "goodbye" to ~ing (and by that I mean the book). And actually, I'll probably look to it for help again. I'll certainly need it. For me to stay positive for any length of time would be a miracle. But that's what I've been taught to expect and ask for: miracles. I didn't think I could get anything from this journey, but thank you, Gabby. You proved Vanessa wrong.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Conjure One - Center Of The Sun | Powered by Last.fm

All I ever wished for was out of breath, running so slow."

My dreams for my future life: to be a well-known self-published novelist, who lives happily with her soulmate. But if I only get the second half of that, I'll still be satisfied. How I want to feel today and going forward is that every day I'm moving toward the moment, where I will find my Morgan. If only I could dream of him every night and feel like he was that close always. That's what I truly want to feel: that I'm deeply connected to him every moment, even while he's not here.

That was sort of two chapters as one. I'm getting close to the end of my ~ing journey - though I'm not really following it as it was meant to be: a year-long journey. I've definitely taken important things from all of this. Since the day before Christmas, I've been more focused on journaling than writing fiction. I was sort of feeling bad about that, until Jill told me she thought it counted as writing, too. I do think that by the time I'm done with this, I'll be excited to go back to my stories. Maybe I'll even have a bit of a new perspective?

Next chapter is "Knowing: The Universe Has Your Back". I'm actually really excited about that one. I want to have more than this clinging desperation to the idea that my dreams are on the way. I want to know. To not be scared. I don't know if that will actually happen, but I'll try to hope for it.

Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Sally Seltmann - Harmony To My Heartbeat | Powered by Last.fm

When I wrote my entry yesterday, I felt pretty positive and well-aligned. That didn't last long at all. Before I knew it, I was feeling all caught back up in negative thoughts. "You can't find your soulmate just by sending out positive vibrations," says ~~Vanessa~~ the ego. "Besides, we're talking about you. There's no way you can keep up this positive energy thing, so you might as well give up now." And by the end of the day, I felt just as awful as usual. Nighttime is usually the perfect time for dark things to come after me, and I'm left wondering "Why did I feel good at all today?".

Luckily, this chapter of Add More ~ing is talking about how you must keep working harder even when you get to good place, because the ego isn't just resting all this time: it's getting stronger, too. I think that's something that people fail to realize, and it has a lot to do with how I feel when people use the phase "get better". Emotional issues aren't a cold or the flu or even a form of treatable cancer. You don't really "get better" as in everything's better now. Maybe you find help through therapy, meditation, or the right medication, but that doesn't mean you're cured. Most emotional issues are a daily struggle, and the best you can do is use the tools that work for you to do your best each day.

The same goes with fighting your ego or negative thoughts. The ego isn't a demon you slay and then it's gone. (Forgive me, I've been watching too much Buffy and Angel lately.) The ego is something you're stuck with your whole life. Sounds disheartening, doesn't it? Well, that doesn't mean there's nothing you can do. For me, I've made a lot of progress over the years in "befriending" my dark side, but not really in asserting any control over that darkness. Instead of being a monster that controlled me completely, Vanessa is now like that bad friend, whose advice you listen to even when you know you shouldn't. It's an improvement, but it still means she has a strong influence over me.

After reading this chapter, I am feeling a bit better again, but I won't be surprised when Vanessa tries to pull me in again. Truth is, she's terrified, because the more light I bring into my life, the less room there is for her. No wonder she tries to sabotage my finding Morgan, my brightest light. It all makes so much sense, Gabby.

Current Music: Kate Covington - You're Not Alone | Powered by Last.fm

Maybe it's that I dreamed of Morgan. Maybe it's some of the things Jill and I talked about last night. Maybe it's that I got to see Christen. More likely, it's a combination of all of these wonderful things. But truthfully, I'm feeling pretty good today. So, today is a good day to work on this next chapter of Add More ~ing, because it's about climbing out of negative thoughts into more positive ones.

It might sound a lot like the first chapter, where I was supposed to cross out negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. To me, it's somehow very different. I'm not having a bad reaction to it. Maybe it's that my mood is in such a different place than the day before Christmas. I don't know. I just feel like lifting myself out of a bad place makes so much more sense.

I want to write. I know I can finish Dreaming in Shadow. I'm ready to move onto the next step. And I'm ready to find Morgan, too. It might not be easy for me at first, but I think I've gotten to the point, where I can only move forward with him here. I can't imagine there being a step beyond yesterday, which I've avoided since the beginning. But still, I'm going to keep writing and trying to send out positive thoughts to him. Maybe this year, maybe...

Current Mood: optimistic
Current Music: Mandy Moore - Extraordinary | Powered by Last.fm

I was thinking it wouldn't get worse than that first chapter, but I was wrong. I should have known that. I already knew how Gabrielle Bernstein felt about this. I'm sorry, but I don't believe in being whole on my own. I don't want to be whole on my own. I want to find my other half. A balance in my life. And this feeling isn't going to change. That doesn't mean I expect some "perfect" guy to save me. And what I expect out of this person isn't for him to be gorgeous or rich. I expect him to be able to match the overflowing love I have for him. For him to be true to me completely. And for him to believe in the things I hold most important. But I've gone over all of this recently.

What I did get from this chapter - well, it didn't just start in this chapter; it's something I've had to think about for a long time. And maybe it's the last thing that's holding me back from finding this wonderful love I've always dreamed of. But it's not going to be an easy thing to get over.

I've never even been kissed. Not once. Not even a peck. Nothing. That's not really hard to admit, honestly. And I'm not really ashamed of it. I've poured my soul out so many times on the subject of how I've been treated by my peers. Should it really be a surprise that this lonely, tormented girl was never wanted romantically?

But what this has done to me is make me terrified that Morgan has been with someone before. In fact, the only thing in the world that scares me more than this is the thought of never finding Morgan at all. As time goes on, it seems less and less likely that Morgan will be as inexperienced as I am. And it really tears me apart, because when I think of Morgan having been intimate with anyone else, it makes me sick. Kind of in that "I want to die." way.

The problem with all of this is that it isn't really fair to him. I can't expect out of Morgan what I couldn't offer him myself, and the only reason I can offer him my virginity is because no one I loved ever wanted me. I would have happily slept with the guys I truly loved. So, how can I expect him to be "pure" when - in intention - I'm not really pure either. Shouldn't it be enough that he loves me truly and completely from the day we meet on? It should be, but I'm scared that it isn't. I'm scared that the ghosts of his past will haunt me even worse than my own. And God knows, that's saying something.

I tried to cry it out of me. I've tried to imagine myself dealing with the situation and accepting it - which is honestly a step further than I've been able to take in so many years. I've tried to forgive him and release him to have lived before me, because obviously, he won't come out of thin air. He'll have lived. But it still hurts. I'm so insecure about myself as it is.

So, yes... this is all about me. I don't believe wanting someone to give as much love to you as you give to them is asking too much. I don't think wanting the person you love to believe in a God, soulmates, and being a vegetarian is too much. I don't think wanting the person you love to never cheat or even imagine cheating is too much. But expecting the person you love to have never loved before you is too much. If I want Morgan to be real - as in a real person - I have to let some of his past go. I need to be able to love him for the person he is when I find him, and let that be enough.

Maybe Gabby didn't get through to me what she wanted in this chapter - though I do honestly believe in finding the "romance" in other places of your life, like friendship and creativity, and letting go of worldly desires regarding your partner. But either way, I've written about something very painful to think about. That doesn't mean I'm going to be okay with it now, but it does mean that I've decided to force myself to get through this. It will be hard and heart-breakingly painful, but it's almost certainly necessary.

That's how much I love you, Morgan... wherever you are. I'm going to set you free to have made mistakes and choices that have lead you to where you are. I ask in return for you to grant me the same kindness and to be patient with me and my insecurities.

Current Mood: distressed
Current Music: Oceanship - Pretty Things | Powered by Last.fm

It's 2012. I don't know what that means to you, but for me, it means the year I finish Dreaming in Shadow. Probably not completely. Don't expect to pick a copy up by the end of December. But I will end the first complete version, and hopefully, get started on a revised typed version. There are other things I want to happen this year - namely, finding my soulmate - but this is the one I have complete and direct control over. So, that's my resolution, and unlike most years, I'm pretty confident in my ability to see it through.

I guess you could say I had another rough ending/beginning of the year. This time was a little different than last year's heartbreak, but it was also a more personal crisis than the usual "I still don't have Morgan". It was more like "What does it mean if this is true [about me]?". I was scared. I was getting caught up in obsessing not over who I am and how I feel about myself, but how others would see me, without realizing it. "What does it look like if I...?" And that's pretty much never what you want to do.

So, yeah... be yourself. Get to know yourself, and don't worry about what others think of that person you find inside. Easier said than done? Well, I know that. But when you start truly being yourself, you won't want to go back. At least, that's what happened to me. Of course, don't expect to never get scared or surprised by new realizations. But being yourself is worth it. You can't find true happiness while wearing a fake face. Of that, I am sure.

Happy New Year.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Paula Cole - Hush, Hush, Hush. | Powered by Last.fm

Finally, there's something I can actually do. I can take myself for a walk. Well, maybe not outside by myself. But I can walk circles around my basement. That counts, right?

The nice thing about this chapter of Add More ~ing is also that I totally get it. It's talking about why certain people bug you. A lot of the times, what bothers you about someone is something you also see within yourself. No big surprise there. The person that drives me nuts most of the time is my Stepfather. He's super OCD - like one speck of dirt drives him crazy OCD. And as I've admitted in my recent post, I'm totally OCD, too.

But I admit it. I even embrace it most of the time. And for the most part, it stays internal and doesn't bother other people. My Stepfather won't admit to his OCD. He laughs and calls us crazy when my Mom and I talk about it. The only reason I really tease him about it is because of how in denial he is about it. And the fact that his OCD gets in everybody's way. Constantly. And it drives me nuts. Meanwhile, I do try to stay away from doing things that bothering him, because I understand what it is like. I don't get the same respect and understand of my issues.

I guess there are other people and issues I could explore with this, but I'm tired.

Current Mood: tired

So, maybe I just can't cross out some of my negative thoughts. Maybe not even most of them. I'm still reading Gabrielle Bernstein's book, and I will get something out of it. The chapter I read today was about finding balance and serenity. That's good. Nothing about this chapter scares me by feeling impossible. Okay, maybe the jumping on a trampoline part, but that's not required.

People could say that I'm an idealistic dreamer, a right-brained person. In a lot of ways, this is true, but I also have a part of me that adheres to the left-brain in an extreme way. I'm totally OCD. What, you've seen my room, and you disagree? Why, yes, there is a pile of stuff that's as long, tall, and wide as my bed on one side of my room. No, I'm not kidding. No, I'm not exaggerating. I've got some hoarder tendencies; I won't deny that. But it all ties partly into my OCD. Let me clarify to those, who aren't familiar, OCD is not all about washing your hands obsessively. It can be any behaviour that is obsessive. And while to an outsider - meaning anyone not in my head, basically - my room seems like the room of someone, who doesn't care where stuff goes, let me assure you, I care.

When my Mom used to clean my room, I would totally freak out and "mess" it back up. It was that way for a reason, and it drove me crazy that things weren't where I wanted them. Part of it was my not liking too much open space. I like to feel like I'm in a safe little nest of my stuff. (Creepy-sounding? Sorry.) When we put in my bookshelf and DVD cabinet, as soon as I cleared the space for them, they had to go in right away. And I adapted everything to the change in the environment.

Basically, I have all these little rules for just about everything I do... ever. I have a 5-page Word document to keep track of all sorts of little things, though if someone else looked at it, it would be almost complete nonsense to them. I would not know how to live or what to do if I didn't have my rules. In fact, I wonder how people make day-to-day decisions without some set of rules like mine. I'd probably waste my whole day trying to make one decision on what to do.

At times, these rules do get in my way, but if I find as I go on that a set of rules is no really working for me anymore, I do try to fix it... though I usually resist a big change until I absolutely have to sort things out. I very rarely let myself - or my right-brain, if you will - make a choice of what to do. In fact, when my rules do line up with something I really, really want to do, I often end up second-guessing the rule and going over my whole day to make sure I didn't make a mistake. Sometimes, several times. I guess just I'm scared that if I set free my right-brain desires, it would get out of control, and I'd end up spending my whole week playing Sims 2 and not getting anything else done.

Of course, what I need is balance. I have no idea how to go about getting that, but hey, if standing on one foot for awhile will help, that's not so bad, I guess. As long as I don't actually have to do that in front of a mirror. I don't do things in front of mirrors, Gabby.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Erutan - Winter Moon | Powered by Last.fm

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my past. Okay, when am I not wrapped up in some part of my past, really? But in writing Spun of Silver, I've been putting together what the past has made my present-future look like. It isn't pretty. Even if I found the right person to fall in love with, I'd be scared to death that they were trying to deceive me, because who would actually want to be with me? That's what my past has taught me: I'm ugly, uncool, and unlovable.

But let's also take a look at something else... when I was young, I wanted to be popular. I wanted to be friends with the popular girls. And often, because I had the cool toys or the cool lunch, I was allowed to tag along with the popular girls. They pretty much treated me like trash, but I just wanted to feel like I was cool. Meanwhile, I was not a very nice person. I didn't usually make fun of other kids, but I thought some pretty awful things about the ones that I felt were below me. And I certainly wasn't willing make any waves by defending other kids, who were getting teased, even if I thought the bullies were going too far. In a way, I was almost as bad as them.

In 5th grade, when everyone found out who I liked and made fun of me and him everyday at lunch, I finally realized that I was never going to be popular. I was miserable and alone. I didn't have any real friends, because I'd mostly ignored the nicer girls in favor of tagging along with the "mean girls". I was definitely a victim of a lot of undeserved abuse, but I'd also made some bad choices.

For awhile after that, I hated everyone. My anger was a shield. If I was going to have to face it all alone, I had to be tough. But eventually, slowly, the anger cooled down. In high school, I was able to make some real friends, and not once did I worry about whether or not someone was popular.

Now, looking back, I can see things quite clearly. I don't know if I was ever capable of some of the things that were done to me, as I didn't run around bullying other kids even then, but my thoughts were poisoned by the hatred that I learned from the girls I tried to emulate. Who knows what would have happened if I was allowed to tag along all through my school days? If I hadn't been forced to be alone and friendless would those toxic thoughts still rule my mind? Maybe I would look at Morgan and think he wasn't "cool" enough to date. It's a terrifying thought, honestly.

I do, of course, still feel angry at my peers for treating me horribly. For making me hate myself. For making feel disgusting, unlovable, unwanted, and better off dead. For making me worry if I'll ever be able to trust a man enough to let him love me. But if I hadn't gone through what I did, maybe I would be a cold, cruel person like they were. I do believe that most have them have become better people since then, but even still, I wonder if they'll ever be able to feel the kind love that I have in me. When they close their eyes, do they hear violins?

I don't know if I'm able to feel it completely or permanently, but thinking about these things right now, I forgive them, and I release them. I hope you're proud of me, Gabby.

Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: Dido - Thank You | Powered by Last.fm

So, my Aunt Pat got me a Kindle Fire for Christmas. I was stunned. I guess I shouldn't have been so much, since she's bought me many very nice, sometimes expensive gifts over the years. Honestly, I won't be using it for books much, as I love the feel of a real book in my hands, and it cannot be replaced. But it's still a really cool device. I loaded it with some important documents concerning my writing, since I often write on the rare occasion when I go out.

And I did get a book. One of Gabby Bernstein's. She's a cool person, who talks about loving yourself and believing in miracles. And she keeps everything sounding fresh and cool. I actually have both of her books now. Now, the question is... will I get anything from them? The only reason I wouldn't is because of me, myself, and I. All three of us are resistant to change, even when it comes bearing friendly gifts.

In Add More ~ing to Your Life, I'm being told to mix changing, healing reflections with moving. Oh, Dear... none of that sounds possible for me. I mean, I'm me. I don't change, I don't feel good about myself, and I definitely don't move. At least, not without extreme anxiety. Maybe I'm too far gone to be saved?

And then, Gabby talks about a boy she liked in 6th grade calling her stupid, and how that continued to affect her even she she was writing the book. ...wow. Wow. 6th grade, huh? :/ You too, Gabby? Then, she says: "These thoughts have become completely beyond your control - they're second nature by now. You identify so closely with them that they embody your perception of yourself." Yep. That sounds about right. But am I really ever going to believe that those words aren't true? That Seth was wrong?

I'm supposed to write down limiting beliefs that I have, then cross them out and replace the words with affirmations. I didn't want to even try that. That's how resistant I am about this stuff. I feel that if I can start to convince myself to go from "I'm not good enough." to "I am wonderful as I am today.", as the books suggests, I'm certain that someone will come along to tear me back down, and it will only hurt more. At least if I stay the same person that always answered Seth's "You're ugly."s with "You're right."s, no one can ever hurt me worse than I hurt myself.

~~I'll never find my soulmate.~~ Morgan is waiting for me. ~~No one would ever want to be with me.~~ He wants me just as I am. ~~I'm ugly. And fat.~~ ... ... ... Yeah, I can't seem to correct that one. That should give an idea of how hard this is. I won't even bother going into the never being a good enough writer, or the idea that my friends don't care about me because they rarely even send a message my way.

I'm wonderful as I am? That can't be true. :/

Next, I'm supposed to dance with my emotions. Dance. Why has dancing been getting under my skin lately? I guess I should explain this one. Years ago, Mallory and I put two ideas together and created Spun of Silver. The story is about us traveling to a castle in Ireland and finding magic and mystery. And love. This is where Morgan first got his name. When I first started believing maybe there was someone wonderful out there for me. Maybe I didn't have to be cursed to only fall in love with those, who'd only hurt me. My romantic ideas included Morgan teaching me to dance. It was a beautiful fantasy.

That fantasy is long gone. As I'm finally writing this story that really started to shape my ideas of soulmates and true love, I'm coming to realize Morgan will never teach me to dance. I came closer to the scene, writing myself as honestly as I possibly could, and I could see that this approaching scene that used to be romantic was only terrifying now. And I wrote myself having a huge panic attack. Just because Morgan had his hand on my back and wanted me to move with him. Morgan, who loves me truly and endlessly. It doesn't matter that I, as the writer, knew that. I still couldn't dance with him.

In real life, I wouldn't even believe him. Because if I let myself believe someone could love me, I'll only get hurt when I find out it isn't true. All those hurtful words I received all my life are chains binding me in place. Yet if someone - whether it be a spiritual teacher, a true friend, or even my prince of heart - would come to me with a key, I'd be more afraid of the outside world than my prison. 'And besides,' Vanessa says. 'the only one, who could love you is me.' And I believe her, because no one ever comes for me anyhow, and I don't have in me to escape by myself.

God, I didn't mean for this to become so miserable sounding. But well, I knew no book could help me. Sorry, Gabby. :(

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: Anna Nalick - Shine | Powered by Last.fm

I've been thinking a lot about writing different kinds of characters. I have lots of relationships planned that people might not understand or accept. Some worry me more than others, but I will write what feels right for me. At the moment, I'm thinking about gay and lesbian characters, and how little I've actually read in that area.

I really shouldn't even be complaining about this. Some people have real problems concerning these things. Ugh. But I kind of worry about buying books relating to lesbian stories in particular, because I know my Mom worries that I am one. And the reason this isn't a real problem is because I know that my Mom will love me no matter what. It's just super awkward.

I guess the idea of girls together has always been a quirk for me (my meaning of "quirk" being a less sexual version of kink). I think it's mostly a forbidden love sort of thing that I've always adored, which leads me to enjoying some... stranger things than that. For a long time, boys together weirded me out for a very specific reason, that I don't want to discuss. I've been slowly trying to get myself away from that, and finally read a slash fanfiction I actually enjoyed. YaY, me! But I know I'll never like it as much as femmeslash, which I haven't actually read much of, thinking about it.

I'm pretty okay with myself being bisexual or whatever I am. Basically, I see my soulmate as a man, but if my soulmate is a woman, I would totally accept that. I'm way more concerned about finding someone, who understands me, loves me and is true to me, believes in soulmates, and is a vegetarian than what physical parts that person has to love me with. So, if that makes me bisexual, I am. It doesn't really matter that much to me. My online friend just said I was pansexual. I didn't even know what that meant, but it sounds about right. Huh. Interesting. I really need to learn more about this stuff.

Which is kind of what I'm getting at. I know I need to try reading some different things. I've already watched a few lesbian movies after stumbling onto Lost and Delirious on Netflix and absolutely adoring it. Books are harder, because I share my Amazon account with my Mom, having no credit card of my own. I just don't like it when things get this kind of awkward. And it's so stupid, because there are LGBT teens, who are paralyzed with good reason of their parents finding out. I'm totally safe.

So, that's my nonproblem for today. I should probably just get over it, but I don't know if I can. :/ And now, I have a headache. Stupid Val.

If anyone has suggestions of really great LGBT stories in any form, leave them here?

Current Mood: weird
Current Music: Linkin Park - Burning in the Skies | Powered by Last.fm

There shouldn't be any expectation of things being easy. But when I start to fall apart, even with a good reason, it gets a little scary. Especially at this time of year. Why is this time of year such a curse?

Honestly, I still am probably doing pretty well. I had one hard night before the viewing. I was up until about 1. The viewing, itself, was fine. The body didn't even look like her. Grandma's spirit was gone. So, looking at her wasn't really sad or scary. When people started coming in, I hid out in the video room where the slideshow, that Jim and I made, was playing. Family and friends of my Mom came to hug me. Some of them stayed by me for awhile. It was almost nice.

I had some issues with the funeral. And maybe I should have seen it coming. But it felt so meaningless to me. I didn't realize how far I've gotten from the Catholic traditions. I mean, when I heard Jan and other members of the family talking about how Grandma was safe and happy in Heaven, that was fine. I do believe in those things. But the Funeral Mass... even though, I could remember the steps from all my years at Catholic school, they didn't mean anything to me anymore. It probably didn't help when Uncle Jim in his speech talked about Grandma doing her job by raising God-fearing children. I hate that word. You're supposed to love God and know He loves you. Fear and love don't go well together, in my opinion. You should respect Him. Trust in Him. But fear? You're supposed to fear bad things, not good ones. That's just how I feel.

Anyways, it was weird to hear relatives talk about how beautiful the funeral was when it felt so empty for me. Sure, the church was beautiful. I still love churches - lighting candles, looking at the statues, and feeling a quiet presence. But the prayers and traditions didn't mean much to me. I'm sure it was what Grandma wanted, though. That's all that matters. And when I talked to Jill about it, I felt better. Now, I know even a little bit more about myself, I guess. I really did expect to connect a little more to the Funeral Mass. I guess that's just not something I need now. I feel like I have my own close connection to God. I don't need all those extras anymore.

My second hard night came after the company left. I convinced John and Denise to stay another night, so we could throw Ethan a birthday party. I think everyone had a good time, even though we didn't end up going to Olympic Fun Center (They wouldn't let us bring in food - ugh!). But once Ethan was gone, I knew I'd be miserable. He kept me busy and happy. They left early Thursday morning. I spent the afternoon with Jan and Paul helping to organize their house mostly to keep myself occupied. Then, I had therapy. But once I got home, I started feeling sick. I ended up crying until 1AM again.

Yesterday, I spent all day out with my Mom. We got our hair done and went to Borders. I spent so much money, but I hadn't been to the big store in over a year. I came home exhausted and overstimulated. I thought I was going to have another bad night, but I managed to avoid it, somehow. I guess it's hard to know what to expect in the coming months. Another horrible Summer? Jan told me we won't let it happen. I just... don't know.

Current Mood: disappointed
Current Music: Savage Garden - Crash And Burn | Powered by Last.fm

Vilma Stigliano: wonderful Sister, Mother, Grandmother, and GG (Great-Grandmother).

April 4, 1923 ~ May 12, 2011

ETA: Yellow Flower is a poem I wrote for Grandma while at the flower shop picking the arrangement for her casket.

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Mariah Carey - Butterfly | Powered by Last.fm

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The Diary of Firefly's Lake

Blog of Valerie Rutherford, YA Novelist

Entries tagged with spirituality

I Like My Attachments

Inspiration and Freedom

Negative Energy

Questions from Medleymisty!

Beauty and Love

Rule #12: Respecting Introverts

I Can Still Feel Her Here

Visioning Happiness

"But I just kept doing what I loved, even though...

Ego's Backlash

And now, I'm ready to be extraordinary...

Shouldn't it be enough?

Resolutions and Realizations

Walking Reflection

Rules and Balance

Lessons From Pain

I'm wonderful as I am? That can't be true.

Quirks and Nonproblems

Death and Spirituality

I love you, Grandma...