The Diary of Firefly's Lake

I couldn't imagine living past Eighth Grade graduation. By then, the boy I'd loved had figured it out.... just as the rest of the class. I spent the second half of Eighth Grade crying most of the school day. Eventually, people had put things together. My best friend was dating the one I really loved. Strangely, even former tormentors seemed to feel bad for me. But my Love delighted in tormenting me, himself. After all those years of me seeming - even to myself - unbothered by his calling me ugly (because I knew it was true) or how much I was in love with his best friend, he knew he had power over me now. And he used it viciously.

After all that, High School was mostly calm. I made more real friends. People to share my stories with. While my one friend still had occasional outbursts against me, there was only one real incident like those in grade school. And afterword, I actually recieved notes from people, who felt bad for me, and actual apology notes from those invovled. It seemed that everyone had finally started to grow up.

But over the couple of years I lived "peacefully" in High School, something was bubbling up inside of me. I had crippling migraine headaches and an anxiety I just couldn't shake. And out of nowhere, I was having severe panic attacks - which I didn't know by name, so I deemed them "crashing". I thought I was completely broken. I was crying all day during school, even though no one was bothering me anymore.

And so, I eventually had to leave...

Though now, six and a half years later, in a life that I spend mostly alone, my biggest bully... is me. Caught in the echoes of the past, I'm always degrading myself. I will never be pretty or talented or smart. And anyone, who says differently, will get a rejection. I can't take compliments. I'm used to criticism; I usually agree with it. It's the opposite that I fear. Because if I trust in a compliment, that means the person can turn it around and hurt me with that trust. So, I don't - I can't trust people. Not in that way.

I'm still in a gaming mood. After reading a friend's blog post, I decided to download Secret of Mana. She barely mentions it, but I'd been meaning to give that series a shot, and she mentioned it as a classic. I also played about 4-5 hours of Persona 4 yesterday. Partly because I needed a really strong distraction. Today, the distraction is NANA. Still slowly working through the English dub, which is pretty good (I love Hachi's English voice! <3). But it's not what I'm used to with a show I've watched through so many times in Japanese. (Pixel probably wouldn't like being mentioned in the same paragraph as NANA. Oops! :P)

I'm taking a little break from Oblivion, but last time I played, I spent most of my time trying to save people. I couldn't let Baurus die! It only took a couple of tries, but I hadn't thought to save right before the incident, so I had to start through the sewers again the first time. Then, after I saved him, I accidentally came out in someone's basement and was stuck. ^_^; So, I had to do it again. My heart felt good, though. I kind of like being able to make a difference.

However, my next job as a heroine was much, much harder. Saving Jeelius from the Mythic Dawn was a headache. He was running around like crazy. I could hardly keep up with him most of the time. I'd turn a corner, and there he'd be... dead. *Sighs* But he was traumatized... it made sense. And I just couldn't let him die. So, I probably spent the better part of an hour trying to get him to safety. I'd gotten to the point where I was saving once we got through each wave. Then, I just took as much of the attention as I could. And I, again, felt quite good at the end.

But it got me thinking about one of the games I got recently, Heavy Rain. I know the whole story is based around your choices, and one person can have a very different experience than another. Also, I know it's possible that your main characters can even die, probably radically changing the outcome of the story. But am I going to be able to let that happen? And if I can't... isn't going back to redo parts almost defeating the point of a game like that? I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I'll have to think about it carefully before I start the game.

...

You know, I think I have a saving people thing... Even now, even still. I haven't changed that much my whole life. I mean it's not a bad thing to want to save people (or characters...), but it was a huge problem for me when I was younger. It's why I fell in love with someone like Seth. I wanted to save him. And even now, I can even fall back into that through a dream. Of course, it would happen to someone like me.

I often have dreams about Seth where we're friends. Or... something. It's rarely romantic in the slightest, but it's more than something casual. Thursday night, I had a dream where I knelt next to his desk and started crying. He thought it was weird at first, but then, it seemed like he felt sorry for me and tried to make me laugh. I felt awful all the next day. That was only one part of a string of very strong dreams I had that night. I also found a friend's soulmate and introduced them, and I had a screaming fight with my Aunt Jan.

But it was Seth that I thought about all day. I thought about weird things like when my old psychiatrist came to career day at St. Joe's and while I went up to talk to him, Seth came over, too. I can still feel my surprise that hey knew each other. And at the time I thought... I don't know, that it was a sign or something that we had seen the same person for help, even if it wasn't at the same point in our lives. But now, I still think maybe I understood him in ways most of his friends couldn't. Ways he wouldn't realize. And then, I just worry about him still. I think that's why I was crying in the dream. Because I'm worried... and even more than that, I still feel guilty for not forgiving him when I had the chance. And in the end, I still want to save him.

*Sighs* I've lost so much time this week. I've been trying so hard to make up for the time I lost sitting in a waiting room for an hour on Tuesday, then today I slept in way too long. :/ Maybe, I tired myself out from all the effort of getting things back on track. Maybe I wanted to dream about Seth again. Dreams are just so strong for me, and it's the only way I can feel close to most of the people I care about.

...

ETA: I don't want to leave on such a low note, so here's a picture of me in my Whiskey Media shirt I received today! <3 I still hate that Ryan is throwing up (gross!), but hey, that's what I'd be doing on a real rollercoaster. And the shirt is really nice, otherwise; the material is super soft. ^_^