fireflys_locket: (Bittersweet Memories - _lisichka_)
Thank you. For letting me feel the strongest love I could for you. Stronger than some people will ever feel. For giving me the knowledge that I wasn’t the only one suffering out there. For saving my life… even though you didn’t mean to. For giving me inspiration. For the many stories I’ve written with you in them. For teaching me how to survive cruelty that only made my compassion stronger. I know love truly is stronger than anything else now.

Thank you. For that time you apologized, and I didn’t believe you. I think you really meant it that time. It doesn’t even matter if you didn’t. I still forgive you now.

I wish you a wonderful life. People who have suffered as deeply as we did deserve it. And know that, when I think of you now, I am thankful. I loved you with all my heart, and I’ll never regret that.

{Inspired by this post.}
fireflys_locket: (Release Me - soporifical)
So, my Aunt Pat got me a Kindle Fire for Christmas. I was stunned. I guess I shouldn't have been so much, since she's bought me many very nice, sometimes expensive gifts over the years. Honestly, I won't be using it for books much, as I love the feel of a real book in my hands, and it cannot be replaced. But it's still a really cool device. I loaded it with some important documents concerning my writing, since I often write on the rare occasion when I go out.

And I did get a book. One of Gabby Bernstein's. She's a cool person, who talks about loving yourself and believing in miracles. And she keeps everything sounding fresh and cool. I actually have both of her books now. Now, the question is... will I get anything from them? The only reason I wouldn't is because of me, myself, and I. All three of us are resistant to change, even when it comes bearing friendly gifts.

In Add More ~ing to Your Life, I'm being told to mix changing, healing reflections with moving. Oh, Dear... none of that sounds possible for me. I mean, I'm me. I don't change, I don't feel good about myself, and I definitely don't move. At least, not without extreme anxiety. Maybe I'm too far gone to be saved?

And then, Gabby talks about a boy she liked in 6th grade calling her stupid, and how that continued to affect her even she she was writing the book. ...wow. Wow. 6th grade, huh? :/ You too, Gabby? Then, she says: "These thoughts have become completely beyond your control - they're second nature by now. You identify so closely with them that they embody your perception of yourself." Yep. That sounds about right. But am I really ever going to believe that those words aren't true? That Seth was wrong?

I'm supposed to write down limiting beliefs that I have, then cross them out and replace the words with affirmations. I didn't want to even try that. That's how resistant I am about this stuff. I feel that if I can start to convince myself to go from "I'm not good enough." to "I am wonderful as I am today.", as the books suggests, I'm certain that someone will come along to tear me back down, and it will only hurt more. At least if I stay the same person that always answered Seth's "You're ugly."s with "You're right."s, no one can ever hurt me worse than I hurt myself.

I'll never find my soulmate. Morgan is waiting for me. No one would ever want to be with me. He wants me just as I am. I'm ugly. And fat. ... ... ... Yeah, I can't seem to correct that one. That should give an idea of how hard this is. I won't even bother going into the never being a good enough writer, or the idea that my friends don't care about me because they rarely even send a message my way.

I'm wonderful as I am? That can't be true. :/

Next, I'm supposed to dance with my emotions. Dance. Why has dancing been getting under my skin lately? I guess I should explain this one. Years ago, Mallory and I put two ideas together and created Spun of Silver. The story is about us traveling to a castle in Ireland and finding magic and mystery. And love. This is where Morgan first got his name. When I first started believing maybe there was someone wonderful out there for me. Maybe I didn't have to be cursed to only fall in love with those, who'd only hurt me. My romantic ideas included Morgan teaching me to dance. It was a beautiful fantasy.

That fantasy is long gone. As I'm finally writing this story that really started to shape my ideas of soulmates and true love, I'm coming to realize Morgan will never teach me to dance. I came closer to the scene, writing myself as honestly as I possibly could, and I could see that this approaching scene that used to be romantic was only terrifying now. And I wrote myself having a huge panic attack. Just because Morgan had his hand on my back and wanted me to move with him. Morgan, who loves me truly and endlessly. It doesn't matter that I, as the writer, knew that. I still couldn't dance with him.

In real life, I wouldn't even believe him. Because if I let myself believe someone could love me, I'll only get hurt when I find out it isn't true. All those hurtful words I received all my life are chains binding me in place. Yet if someone - whether it be a spiritual teacher, a true friend, or even my prince of heart - would come to me with a key, I'd be more afraid of the outside world than my prison. 'And besides,' Vanessa says. 'the only one, who could love you is me.' And I believe her, because no one ever comes for me anyhow, and I don't have in me to escape by myself.

God, I didn't mean for this to become so miserable sounding. But well, I knew no book could help me. Sorry, Gabby. :(
fireflys_locket: (Bittersweet Memories - _lisichka_)
I was definitely severely bullied when I was young. Most of my grade was against me at all times. I was constantly in the nurse's office with a stomach ache, begging to go home in First and Second Grade. By Third, I'd learned how to gain fake friends by having the cool lunch and giving it away and bringing the cool toys for recess. But no one actually cared about me. Fourth Grade, carried on the same.

Then, in Fifth Grade, things really exploded. I admitted to having feelings for a boy (while being cornered in the girl's bathroom). That's where things really changed. You might not believe that basically every day for the rest of the school year I was tormented about it. But the far worse thing was the way he was treated. Because obviously, to be loved by me was a curse. A boy, who'd always been nice to me, turned into someone, who hated me with a passion. And I still won't blame him for that.

The next time I fell in love, I kept it quiet under the assumption that I still loved the former boy. I'd learned a lesson. But don't imagine this was my prince charming. No, I'd fallen for an even more hurtful and hateful person. But I could see the pain he was in, and I wanted to save him... no matter what it took.

I didn't really have friends at school until Seventh Grade. But that friendship wasn't a particularly safe environment for a long time. Even as much as I love her and trust her now, at that time, she was key in making me hurt. Sometimes, in ways that couldn't have been helped. Other times, because she judged me harshly in front of everyone.

I couldn't imagine living past Eighth Grade graduation. By then, the boy I'd loved had figured it out.... just as the rest of the class. I spent the second half of Eighth Grade crying most of the school day. Eventually, people had put things together. My best friend was dating the one I really loved. Strangely, even former tormentors seemed to feel bad for me. But my Love delighted in tormenting me, himself. After all those years of me seeming - even to myself - unbothered by his calling me ugly (because I knew it was true) or how much I was in love with his best friend, he knew he had power over me now. And he used it viciously.

After all that, High School was mostly calm. I made more real friends. People to share my stories with. While my one friend still had occasional outbursts against me, there was only one real incident like those in grade school. And afterword, I actually recieved notes from people, who felt bad for me, and actual apology notes from those invovled. It seemed that everyone had finally started to grow up.

But over the couple of years I lived "peacefully" in High School, something was bubbling up inside of me. I had crippling migraine headaches and an anxiety I just couldn't shake. And out of nowhere, I was having severe panic attacks - which I didn't know by name, so I deemed them "crashing". I thought I was completely broken. I was crying all day during school, even though no one was bothering me anymore.

And so, I eventually had to leave...

Though now, six and a half years later, in a life that I spend mostly alone, my biggest bully... is me. Caught in the echoes of the past, I'm always degrading myself. I will never be pretty or talented or smart. And anyone, who says differently, will get a rejection. I can't take compliments. I'm used to criticism; I usually agree with it. It's the opposite that I fear. Because if I trust in a compliment, that means the person can turn it around and hurt me with that trust. So, I don't - I can't trust people. Not in that way.

So, maybe you think bullying isn't a big deal? I'm certainly one of the more extreme cases. At least of those, who can still tell the story. And well, don't think I didn't come close to not being able to. Several times. But my point is this: even after all the years that bullying has been gone from my life, the effects are still with me. They haunt my young adult life. They live in me, and no matter how much I try to love myself and befriend my darkness, they will always be around. I can't work. I don't socialize. I stay home. I wish that I could find that one person, who can understand me and love me endlessly. But I'm just alone. And all I can do is dream.
fireflys_locket: (Soul is Burning - _lisichka_)
(Also known as: the other thing that has been bothering me.) I should have posted about this last week, but I guess there was a reason I didn't.

I had an epiphany at therapy. That's a major shock, since it doesn't happen often. You might think that's the way therapy is supposed to work, but it doesn't usually for me. My therapy is more of a stabilizer than something to make big breakthroughs in. It's like taking medication for emotional things. It might not cure you, but if you stopped taking it, you'd be totally unbalanced.

Anyways... I actually did have a big breakthrough last week. See, I hadn't been feeling like writing lately. You might think that's normal after the loss of my Grandma. And maybe it does have a bit to do with that as well. But I figured out the major problem I've been having with writing: I can never write it all.

That's right... I realized that there was no way I could write out all of my hundreds of story ideas. Even if I wrote a chapter a day for the rest of my life, I don't think I could do it. Jill says I have the opposite problem of most authors; most worry if they will even have another great idea. To me, that seems crazy. How do people live without all these ideas spinning around in their head? I mean, I totally realize that I have the better problem. It's much better to live with too many ideas than not enough. But I've been psyching myself out of writing, because if I will never finish everything... why bother? :/ How do I choose what is most important?

But that's not all. I also figured out where this whole cycle of thought started. Just... be forewarned that it may seem kind of stupid. See, Jill calls me a tuning fork. I just barely hit something, and I'm shaking like crazy. Everything affects me so strongly. Just a brief mention of certain things. Even silly things.

Like how last month, I went out to get my hair cut, and the guy, who washes my hair, told me about some rumor of the world ending. At 5:00. That day. I do not seriously buy into things like that. However, my Mom and I went a few different places afterward, and everyone was talking about it. I just got sicker and sicker. I can't handle talk like that. Even though I didn't believe the world was going to end, it got me into a negative mindset. Jill thought it was also how it had come out of nowhere. And I was out around people, too. :/

But then, the day was over... and I didn't really think about it again until last week. But it had affected me, because I started thinking if the world is going to end in a year or so, what's the point? I couldn't even finish one book and get it typed and printed in that time. There's no way. So, that's how I psyched myself out of writing the last few weeks. But I talked to Jill, figuring all this out... and I feel so much better.

Now, here's why I brought it up: I was watching Honey and Clover today, and I'm at a part where Hagu talks about having so many boxes inside of her. (For people, who don't watch the show, Hagu is an artist.) Here's a little of what she says: "There are so many things I want to do. There are an endless amount of things inside of me I want to make. They're scattered all around me. Each time I open a new box, a whole bunch of ideas jump out. I catch each one, wrestle with it, try to understand it, and swallow it whole. Then, give it and name and put it away where it belongs. Repeat that, over and over again. Just repeat it, for as long as I can. I want to open all of these boxes. But a lifetime is too short to open them all. I wish people lived to be 400 years-old. That way, I could do everything I want to do. But if I had a person to fight alongside me... if I just had someone." Wow, just wow. That's so very much how I feel.

I was told Honey and Clover was awesome. And I quite agree. It doesn't beat NANA for me, but it is speaking to the creative side in me that Hachi's character just doesn't have in her. Also, another character gave me some great lines to relate to in the previous episode: "Oh, no. I never wanted to be saved. I wanted to stay miserably in love with Takumi forever. And cry forever. And yet... and yet." That just sounds so much like how I was with Seth. (But Morgan... I do want to be saved now! <3)

HeH. I think Honey and Clover is destined to be one of my favorite anime! Thanks, [livejournal.com profile] jenthehen , for getting me started on it! <3

Heroine

Jan. 15th, 2011 08:09 pm
fireflys_locket: (Nobu/Hachi Could Be - fireflys_locket)

I'm still in a gaming mood. After reading a friend's blog post, I decided to download Secret of Mana. She barely mentions it, but I'd been meaning to give that series a shot, and she mentioned it as a classic. I also played about 4-5 hours of Persona 4 yesterday. Partly because I needed a really strong distraction. Today, the distraction is NANA. Still slowly working through the English dub, which is pretty good (I love Hachi's English voice! <3). But it's not what I'm used to with a show I've watched through so many times in Japanese. (Pixel probably wouldn't like being mentioned in the same paragraph as NANA. Oops! :P)

I'm taking a little break from Oblivion, but last time I played, I spent most of my time trying to save people. I couldn't let Baurus die! It only took a couple of tries, but I hadn't thought to save right before the incident, so I had to start through the sewers again the first time. Then, after I saved him, I accidentally came out in someone's basement and was stuck. ^_^; So, I had to do it again. My heart felt good, though. I kind of like being able to make a difference.

However, my next job as a heroine was much, much harder. Saving Jeelius from the Mythic Dawn was a headache. He was running around like crazy. I could hardly keep up with him most of the time. I'd turn a corner, and there he'd be... dead. *Sighs* But he was traumatized... it made sense. And I just couldn't let him die. So, I probably spent the better part of an hour trying to get him to safety. I'd gotten to the point where I was saving once we got through each wave. Then, I just took as much of the attention as I could. And I, again, felt quite good at the end.

But it got me thinking about one of the games I got recently, Heavy Rain. I know the whole story is based around your choices, and one person can have a very different experience than another. Also, I know it's possible that your main characters can even die, probably radically changing the outcome of the story. But am I going to be able to let that happen? And if I can't... isn't going back to redo parts almost defeating the point of a game like that? I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I'll have to think about it carefully before I start the game.

...

You know, I think I have a saving people thing... Even now, even still. I haven't changed that much my whole life. I mean it's not a bad thing to want to save people (or characters...), but it was a huge problem for me when I was younger. It's why I fell in love with someone like Seth. I wanted to save him. And even now, I can even fall back into that through a dream. Of course, it would happen to someone like me.

I often have dreams about Seth where we're friends. Or... something. It's rarely romantic in the slightest, but it's more than something casual. Thursday night, I had a dream where I knelt next to his desk and started crying. He thought it was weird at first, but then, it seemed like he felt sorry for me and tried to make me laugh. I felt awful all the next day. That was only one part of a string of very strong dreams I had that night. I also found a friend's soulmate and introduced them, and I had a screaming fight with my Aunt Jan.

But it was Seth that I thought about all day. I thought about weird things like when my old psychiatrist came to career day at St. Joe's and while I went up to talk to him, Seth came over, too. I can still feel my surprise that hey knew each other. And at the time I thought... I don't know, that it was a sign or something that we had seen the same person for help, even if it wasn't at the same point in our lives. But now, I still think maybe I understood him in ways most of his friends couldn't. Ways he wouldn't realize. And then, I just worry about him still. I think that's why I was crying in the dream. Because I'm worried... and even more than that, I still feel guilty for not forgiving him when I had the chance. And in the end, I still want to save him.

*Sighs* I've lost so much time this week. I've been trying so hard to make up for the time I lost sitting in a waiting room for an hour on Tuesday, then today I slept in way too long. :/ Maybe, I tired myself out from all the effort of getting things back on track. Maybe I wanted to dream about Seth again. Dreams are just so strong for me, and it's the only way I can feel close to most of the people I care about.

...

ETA: I don't want to leave on such a low note, so here's a picture of me in my Whiskey Media shirt I received today! <3 I still hate that Ryan is throwing up (gross!), but hey, that's what I'd be doing on a real rollercoaster. And the shirt is really nice, otherwise; the material is super soft. ^_^

fireflys_locket: (Lovely Reflection - amethystia)
I've been out of school for 5 years now. March 29th 2005 was the last day I went to school. Strangely, I've been in pain the last few days. Headaches, eye and neck pain. Stress, I suppose. These 5 years haven't exactly been pleasant. But in the end, what came before them was worse. Far worse. At least, since leaving school, I've been safe. Away from people.

But very alone.

It's not as though each day seems endless. In fact, time has flown. It's looking back to see 5 years gone; that is what's frightening.

And still, I'd say the last 6 months have been the happiest I've ever been in my memory. Not that it's saying a lot. I'm still not actually happy. Jill says I'm finally getting used to my own rhythm and that's why I've been "better", writing more and such. I've also felt very sad this month, though. My writing has always gone along with sadness. It's been bittersweet. 

March is the month of death and rebirth for me. I once died in one love and was reborn in another. And then, 5 years ago, that life died a slow, painful death. The rebirth process has been slow, as well, with long stretches of emptiness where I felt blinded. I had to learn everything again. How to write, to read, to see things in my mind the way I had before.

Am I finally coming up out of the water? Can I finally breathe again? Or have I ever really?
fireflys_locket: (Bittersweet Memories - _lisichka_)
Someday, you'll forgive me, and I'll forgive you. And the world will be a better place.

...maybe next year. I'm still not brave enough to forgive you when I'm not sure you're sorry. My heart will always ache to make amends, while yours has probably forgotten long ago. Though, maybe, I shouldn't blame you. You did, at least, try to apologize. Maybe it was real...

And of course, I would dream of you all night. Of that friendship I want but will never have. The pain never really ends. But nine years of this pain won't make me forget that you saved me. Even if "saving" meant going from the pan into the fire. At least the fire felt like something. And I will always be thankful.

Happy March 15th.
fireflys_locket: (Blinded Heart - magical_barbie)

The pain I hold in my heart... It isn't easy loving Seth. Watching him is so painful. It's hard to believe that only a year ago my heart was being ripped out by his talk of changing schools. And Amber... Yes, I remember coming back from Easter vacation to hear of her for the first time. And after that, my ears caught her name quite often.

Yes, that pain still exists...

I almost wish Matt was here. He seems to make me forget my awful pain somehow. However, if he was here, he'd be just the same as those other guys. He'd think me a wretched piece of filth just like Seth does.

And I couldn't take more of that... not at all.

fireflys_locket: (Default)

It's quite silly how flustered all this has made me. But see, it gave me a brilliant idea. My Dad gave me this pretty ring with flowers on it. Perhaps if I stare at it and sigh, Seth will think I have a boyfriend. Childish? Yes. But if it worked... Oh, what sweet revenge would that be!

Meanwhile, I'm out of Gym Class. My knees have been bothering me for almost a month, and I have no idea why. So, I'm getting an x-ray later today. Just the thought of it freaks me out, though I don't know why. But at least for now, I don't have to run around the school until I pass out.

But the oddest thing is I can't seem to write. I just sit at Lunch with my notebook open and ready... and nothing comes. Am I having a huge case of writer's block or is it more than that?

Curse?

Apr. 23rd, 2002 03:31 pm
fireflys_locket: (Kagome Stupid Weather - fireflys_locket)
I came into school one day, acting as normal as I had been considering the emotional trauma I was hiding inside. I passed Seth talking with the principal and Mrs. Kauldy in the hallway. I thought nothing of it; Seth is constantly in trouble. Still, the look he gave me was troubling. Or perhaps I was just imagining it. I was good at that. After all, I had once imagined he'd cared for me.

I later found that I have once again been placed in a class with Seth. Oh, yes... that's what they'd been discussing. Pity I had no say in the transfer. I would have left him in the class with his troublesome friends, believe me. I'm certain he would have liked it that way, but that would just have to be overlooked.

...curse or blessing? I cannot yet tell.
fireflys_locket: (Release Me - soporifical)
I have always hated Thursdays. Why? They are cursed. I swear. Every really horrible thing in my life has happened on a Thursday...

Thursday is one of our gym days. I can't stand gym class. It usually turns out utterly humiliating. I thought that running would be so much better. I was very wrong. Perhaps I have asthma or something of the sort for running those 6 minutes was pure torture. I could not breathe at all.

Afterwards, I headed to my next class, trying (and failing) to cover up the fact that I was hyperventilating. Mrs. Kauldy came over to me concerned. I told her lying down would simply make it worse.

But staying made me worse... See, Seth and Heather sit in front of me. The tables are oddly positioned so that they face each other. They were flirting like crazy, which isn't entirely rare. But they were giving me the horrid feeling that they-

I came very close to doing something I hadn't thought of in over a year. But I didn't. Why? Genius. Yes, that Disney Channel movie from three years ago. I remember sitting with my neighbor, Lauren, on her swing set talking about it. I totally "fell in love" with Chaz. Strange how it feels like yesterday. 3 years...

I adored that movie. I guess I still do for it made me feel so much better. It could always make me laugh. It made me realize something too. I have to stop loving Seth. No matter what, the torment just isn't worth it. So, I will stop...
fireflys_locket: (Default)
Yes, Mallory did figure it out. The cheerleaders were practicing in the hallway for some reason, and she pulled me aside as I walked by. She seemed very proud of herself, though I fed her everything she needed. She found it... "Interesting".

Of course, I am fully aware of the threat I may have on my hands. Mallory is attracted to Seth.

~~

From: "Mallory Goguen" <angelbaby_yaright@hotmail.com>
To: bluefire65874@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Hi!
Date: Mon, 18 Feb 2002 11:29:45 -0500


you think bryan is cute???!!! oooook, i guess that would be fine, ill get it for ya. yeah i saw you! Did you see-----SETH?! he is soooo hott!!!!! He was the one in the maroon sweater, he had black hair. sigh, hes cute! lol.
~mallory

~~~

Notice, it was not sent to me, but to Natalie. I really did get comfort from telling Mallory, but I'm still not certain if I can trust her. I don't know if I could stand another dilemma in my lifetime.
fireflys_locket: (Default)
I am in the biggest panic of my life. This feels a thousand times worst than with Dean. But then, with Dean I wanted people to know. This is completely different. Or maybe it really isn't.

Let me explain...

Mallory is suddenly obsessed with trying to figure out who Shawn O'Declas is. *Sighs* He's a character in my story, but he was based on someone real. Who? Seth, of course.

As I went into the locker room to change for gym, her class was leaving. She rushed over and begged me for a clue. I told her to mess around with his name - no, not the first name!

So, she wrote his name on the back of her hand... and she spelled it wrong. Maybe, she won't figure it out...
fireflys_locket: (Default)
The 7th grade was combined the whole day. Being a Catholic School, we had our confession day. We have it twice a year: Once before Christmas and once before Easter. I always dread confession days. I get horribly nervous and jumpy. I can't explain why really. I suppose it's just because the priest always looks at me when I'm finished as if to say, "And...". So I always end up saying, "And, that's it." Then he proceeds to look at me as though I am lying. Does anyone else feel that way, I wonder. It's suppose to make you feel better, isn't it? It always makes me feel like I am going to retch.

As I walked up the stairs, feeling rather sick indeed, I realized that classes had changed during my torment. I thought, "Wouldn't it be funny if he was in my seat?".

And guess what? He was. The he being the boy I mildly mentioned before as a fleeting object of affection. I will refer to him from now on as Jellybean. Although, I doubt I'll need to much...

So, I became even more upset. I no longer hold feelings for Jellybean, but it was still difficult to be near him. Why must I hold on to such negative things? Perhaps I'll never know.

Later though, I also had to deal with Seth. He spotted me reading some Saint Tail fanfiction. In the folder I also had my favorite picture of Saint Tail. He was staring at it. He asked annoying questions too. Sadly, it was the highlight of my day.

Finally!

Mar. 19th, 2002 02:19 pm
fireflys_locket: (Default)
As soon as I walked into the room this morning, Seth asked, "Who's Natalie Olson?"

Finally!

Ever since I took Natalie to that basketball game, she's been "in love" with Bryan and Mike and developed an interest in my class/school in general. I didn't think it would matter at first but then she started talking to them.

Well, anyways, he also called me Moose three times. I must say I enjoyed it. A blast from the past!

Still, there were horrors for later in the day. Namely... Mallory Goguen.

Ever since just before Christmas, she and I have been on almost good terms. It's very odd I must say. I remember when we were in third grade playing with Beanie Babies (and Jewel, my Dalmatian plushie from the non-animated 101 Dalmatians movie) and talking about the Lion King. Oh, yes... and Titanic. Shannon, Mallory and I. That's terrifying to think about.

But, then in 4th grade things got rotten. I suppose they always were rotten... I was just too young, too happy to have anyone be my friend at the time.

But, anyways, how we got on speaking terms was interesting. I was working, as always on Lily and the Coral Orb, when she, Jenna, and a few others approached popsicles in their hands. I prepared myself for the worst. With Jenna and Mallory, there was always trouble.

I don't remember exactly what was said (I wasn't keeping a diary yet). But, she was asking about my story. She was a Harry Potter fan, too. I was suspicious, of course, but when she asked to read something of mine, I reluctantly gave her the address.

Nothing happened for a while. Then on December 24, I got this email...

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! That story with dean is soooo funny!! What the heck was that hermione loves harry thing..it was awefully short! I liked your ideas about the coral orb and stuff, and those magical witches names..i dont remember them..but o well! You have neat stories...maybe i should write some! hehe, you've "inspired" me to write..lol, how funny! Are you working on anything new? im a HUGE hp fan too! Ive only seen the movie 3 times though, lol! OK, well, i just thought i'd compliment your work and see if you're wrighting anthing , or publishing anything any time soon! Thanks for giving me the address!
~Mallory...from school, hehe!"

I was... shocked. Very shocked. But, somehow, that bridged a makeshift friendship between us. Funny.

But back to today. We were in the cafeteria because of this stupid king and queen thing. Mallory was talking about who would be the king and queen of our year. She mentioned Dean and I. Everyone found this funny. Save me, of course. It made me very ill. Nothing could be worse, I thought...

"Or you and Seth"

I nearly fainted. I looked at her, shaking. Did she... know something? I didn't think I could bare it if she figured it out. If she didn't have a clue at that point, she definitely saw something in my eyes.

"I think you like him."

Isn't it?

Feb. 26th, 2002 04:23 pm
fireflys_locket: (Default)
It was horrifying. Seth has returned to St. Joes... I found out he would on Wednesday, actually. When Mrs. Elder annouced it, I dropped my books. I knew at once that this was a bad thing.

Still, when he showed up, it was like nothing had changed. He bothered me like crazy.. even called me Moose once. And, as I was explaining a story to Jenna, we got into a fight.

Horrible, awful, dreadful... isn't it?
fireflys_locket: (Default)
you just want to scream, "Why me, God?"

I was fine. I was finally able to be over Seth. Finally! He was gone, but I didn't even care. It didn't matter anymore. I was over Seth! And then... it happened. I saw him again.

Those who know me personally might ask, "How so...? You never go anywhere, Val."

Well, I did.

On a particularly boring Sunday, my father called and asked if I wanted to go somewhere with him. The first thought that popped into my head was a basketball game. Now, I'm not some basketball fan or anything. I really don't like sports. But up until I got to the game, I sort of liked one of the players. I was a very short term thing, so it will not even be mentioned.

I took my best friend, Natalie. That was not a good idea. She's the kind of girl who falls for about 95% of the guys that she meets.

Once there, I went looking for Dean's cousin, Monica. She's also a good friend of mine even though she's a bit younger than me. Actually I usually get along better with people younger or older than me.

Once I found her I looked up and saw HIM. Seth. There. I could not believe my eyes. I know it's childish but only one thought flash through my head... HIDE.

I escaped downstairs to the cafeteria where the Varsity cheerleaders were practicing. Mallory Goguen, yes the girl that was going out with Dean, waved at me. I still cannot believe that we are on speaking terms. Jenna, however, retained her usual glare.

Then I wanted to let Natalie look at my locker. Unfortunately Seth was in the way. We waited until he went upstairs. Only the doors were locked. Seth came downstairs and I was trapped. He loomed above me in a way I couldn't explain. So I was stuck huddling in the corner praying that he wouldn't notice.

I did eventually escape, but as we were leaving we had to walk past Seth. Natalie went through the doors along with my father first. Then suddenly, he spoke:

"Did you finish your novel?"

He was speaking of my fanfiction story, Lily and the Coral Orb. I so well remember the days when he tried to steal it from me and I would kick him.

I said nothing to him.

"I see you driving past me as I walk home from school," he said.

I was mortified. I did have my mom drive me past Sharon school everyday to see him. Only it never seemed like he noticed me. Seth walked home looking depressed and always wearing that light green jacket of his, regardless of the temperature.

Then he said again... "So did you finish your novel?"

I felt Natalie tugging on the back of my shirt and I quickly said, "No" and ran.

I have no idea what I am going to do now...
fireflys_locket: (Bittersweet Memories - _lisichka_)
I'm sitting here... staring at the wall. Hoping to die, mostly. Once upon a time, I looked at that wall the happiest girl in the world. Or it felt that way, sometimes. 

Let me begin it this way...

When I was nine years old, I met a guy named Dean. I never knew I would grow up to live to hate that day. The day I fell.

Back then, everyone thought I was strange for not having feelings for any guy. I was anything but popular anyway. There was not a soul at my school that cared anything about me, let alone was nice to me.

Save Dean... He was new and didn't know any better.

So, of course, I liked Dean a lot, as he had been nice to me. And eventually, I thought I would tell the girls I was in love with Dean, and they would be my friends. I wouldn't be weird for not liking anyone anymore. Little did I know that all things would change.

Dean grew to hate me. After all the never-ending teasing for a year and a half, I really don't blame him one bit. I ruined his life, and he ruined mine. It was my fault, but I think it evened out in the end. Dean suffered for about two years. My suffering is still far from over.

Yet people still believe I love him... Even now. For they didn't know about Seth.

Seth was Dean's best friend, or one of them, at least. I had never been in his class before 6th grade. I knew next to nothing about him. By 6th grade, I hated everyone and everything. You couldn't ask me anything without getting me to snap at you. I was an angry, suicidal girl nearing her teens, though, so it was to be expected.

Seth and I were always around each other. We were always grouped together as my last name starts with Ru and his with Sa. He irritated the Hell out of me. Somehow, though, I was attracted to him. He was the only person who paid me any attention... even if it was all negative.

I can all too well remember my leg brushing against his under these very tables. And the little annoying voice in my head that told me it was wrong. From this point on I shall refer to it as Vanessa. Vanessa is like the bit of you that says you aren't good enough... only times about ten thousand. I can remember it echoing things like, "You are cheating on Dean."

And that's truly what I believed for the longest time. It got me so frustrated that I began writing a story that explained my feelings. One that Seth used to try to steal from me. Little did he know it was all about him.

I guess, deep down, I knew I would fall for Seth. And I did. I can remember the day I finally let myself realize it so well, that I can still feel the eeriness of it all.

I was walking into the gym on a Thursday (March 15, 2001). We were currently playing badminton. Seth was playing football with some friends while the teacher waited for everyone to get dressed.

This also happened to be a day I had thought very seriously of commiting suicide.

Seth came over to me and asked, "Do you want to be my partner, Valerie?"

I remember being insanely surprised that he had not called me Moose (his nickname for me).

"No," I snapped at him, although I silently dared him to push me further.

He did not, so I began to ascend the bleachers.

"Valerie!" He shouted after me, and I turned and rolled my eyes at him. He flung out his arms and said, "Will you marry me?"

And he saved my life. I swear it. And for that, I have dedicated my everything to him.

But Seth is no longer around. He now attends a different school, which I plan to attend when I get out of here in a year and a few months. And I can't wait. I miss him more than I can say.

For now, though, I must deal with this stupid science project concerning celery which my partner is messing up horribly.

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