fireflys_locket: (Hachi Blue - fireflys_locket)
But I don't do anything about it. 

Truthfully, I don't really know how to change that. But as I'm reading the LJ Elections I'm realizing something strange... I almost never post on here. I adore LiveJournal. I'm reading these election posts just as I read for hours about Strikethrough and the like because it's very important to me. But I'm so quiet... even in my own little sanctuary. Isn't that silly?

Okay, so maybe it shouldn't be the amazing realization it is... but it is. If that makes sense. ~_~; But I'd like to fix that. So, first I'm going to tell the story of how I started journaling... 

Once upon a time, in January of 2002,  Miss Valerie was reading The Princess Diaries series by Meg Cabot and decided she wanted to keep a journal for herself. It started out on a little notepad inside a Harry Potter pencil case/organizer at first. The journal was actually passed around for others to read for a time, because there wasn't anything personal written. Little bits about school.

Eventually, the little notepad ran out of room. It wasn't really meant for journaling anyhow. The journal then made a shift onto what would be a long series of Neopets notepads. I used lots of codenames, for even though the passing around had stopped, I was still scared someone would catch a glimpse of something important. 

Then, in 2003, Miss Valerie discovered a love of Draco/Hermione. And her favorite writer of the time, [profile] lafeemechante, had a LiveJournal. Miss Valerie became even more obsessed with her journal, hoping to get a LiveJournal eventually. (It was invite-only at that time.)

Finally, when Miss Valerie was able to get a LiveJournal, she decided to go back and put in entries for everything she had written in her paper journals. Not an easy task. And no one seemed to be reading them. So she gave up.

Wow, what a sad story. Well, that's why that's not the end of the story. See, I figured I must take a more active approach to writing in my LiveJournal. Just as I have with writing in general the past few months. Because as said here, I live by a large set of random rules. I have... rules for everything, honestly. And they weren't supporting writing, creative or journal. So they must be changed!

I think a lot. And for the most part, I'm not even a private person. I'm perfectly fine with sharing myself with the world. I just don't think anyone cares what I think. ~_~;

Well, we'll see what happens, eh? 

Edit: Along the lines of getting this going... I updated all my entries with tags. And I should be updating my profile in the next week or so. ^_^ Silly, how excited I am about that.
fireflys_locket: (Blinded Heart - magical_barbie)

The pain I hold in my heart... It isn't easy loving Seth. Watching him is so painful. It's hard to believe that only a year ago my heart was being ripped out by his talk of changing schools. And Amber... Yes, I remember coming back from Easter vacation to hear of her for the first time. And after that, my ears caught her name quite often.

Yes, that pain still exists...

I almost wish Matt was here. He seems to make me forget my awful pain somehow. However, if he was here, he'd be just the same as those other guys. He'd think me a wretched piece of filth just like Seth does.

And I couldn't take more of that... not at all.

fireflys_locket: (Default)

It's quite silly how flustered all this has made me. But see, it gave me a brilliant idea. My Dad gave me this pretty ring with flowers on it. Perhaps if I stare at it and sigh, Seth will think I have a boyfriend. Childish? Yes. But if it worked... Oh, what sweet revenge would that be!

Meanwhile, I'm out of Gym Class. My knees have been bothering me for almost a month, and I have no idea why. So, I'm getting an x-ray later today. Just the thought of it freaks me out, though I don't know why. But at least for now, I don't have to run around the school until I pass out.

But the oddest thing is I can't seem to write. I just sit at Lunch with my notebook open and ready... and nothing comes. Am I having a huge case of writer's block or is it more than that?

Blessing?

Apr. 28th, 2002 11:10 pm
fireflys_locket: (Default)

I am quite stunned. My feelings are changed so easily, it seems. My father has semi-recently gotten a new a new girlfriend. I expected it to happen eventually, although it was actually nice being alone with him on visits. Or perhaps it was just a relief from putting up with my evil ex-stepmother, Bonnie. Yes, that's probably it.

In any case, today I met this new girlfriend, MaryAnn and one of her sons, Matt. It was odd watching them get out of the car and come towards the house. It's hard to explain, really. It was just that knowledge that nothing would be the same again. I was entering a new phase in my life.

MaryAnn was very nice, though she seemed awfully nervous. I mentioned this to my mother as we escaped to Cray's room to water my bean plants.

Matt, however, was a pest. Only... Well, he is quite the flirt. I can't say I didn't adore the attention. Seth doesn't give me such attention. He never did. The attention I got from him was always negative. If not non-existant, that is.

Perhaps I should be looking elsewhere for a place to rest my love? Perhaps...? No. Never.

...blessing or curse? I cannot yet tell.

Curse?

Apr. 23rd, 2002 03:31 pm
fireflys_locket: (Kagome Stupid Weather - fireflys_locket)
I came into school one day, acting as normal as I had been considering the emotional trauma I was hiding inside. I passed Seth talking with the principal and Mrs. Kauldy in the hallway. I thought nothing of it; Seth is constantly in trouble. Still, the look he gave me was troubling. Or perhaps I was just imagining it. I was good at that. After all, I had once imagined he'd cared for me.

I later found that I have once again been placed in a class with Seth. Oh, yes... that's what they'd been discussing. Pity I had no say in the transfer. I would have left him in the class with his troublesome friends, believe me. I'm certain he would have liked it that way, but that would just have to be overlooked.

...curse or blessing? I cannot yet tell.
fireflys_locket: (Release Me - soporifical)
I have always hated Thursdays. Why? They are cursed. I swear. Every really horrible thing in my life has happened on a Thursday...

Thursday is one of our gym days. I can't stand gym class. It usually turns out utterly humiliating. I thought that running would be so much better. I was very wrong. Perhaps I have asthma or something of the sort for running those 6 minutes was pure torture. I could not breathe at all.

Afterwards, I headed to my next class, trying (and failing) to cover up the fact that I was hyperventilating. Mrs. Kauldy came over to me concerned. I told her lying down would simply make it worse.

But staying made me worse... See, Seth and Heather sit in front of me. The tables are oddly positioned so that they face each other. They were flirting like crazy, which isn't entirely rare. But they were giving me the horrid feeling that they-

I came very close to doing something I hadn't thought of in over a year. But I didn't. Why? Genius. Yes, that Disney Channel movie from three years ago. I remember sitting with my neighbor, Lauren, on her swing set talking about it. I totally "fell in love" with Chaz. Strange how it feels like yesterday. 3 years...

I adored that movie. I guess I still do for it made me feel so much better. It could always make me laugh. It made me realize something too. I have to stop loving Seth. No matter what, the torment just isn't worth it. So, I will stop...
fireflys_locket: (Default)
Yes, Mallory did figure it out. The cheerleaders were practicing in the hallway for some reason, and she pulled me aside as I walked by. She seemed very proud of herself, though I fed her everything she needed. She found it... "Interesting".

Of course, I am fully aware of the threat I may have on my hands. Mallory is attracted to Seth.

~~

From: "Mallory Goguen" <angelbaby_yaright@hotmail.com>
To: bluefire65874@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Hi!
Date: Mon, 18 Feb 2002 11:29:45 -0500


you think bryan is cute???!!! oooook, i guess that would be fine, ill get it for ya. yeah i saw you! Did you see-----SETH?! he is soooo hott!!!!! He was the one in the maroon sweater, he had black hair. sigh, hes cute! lol.
~mallory

~~~

Notice, it was not sent to me, but to Natalie. I really did get comfort from telling Mallory, but I'm still not certain if I can trust her. I don't know if I could stand another dilemma in my lifetime.
fireflys_locket: (Default)
I am in the biggest panic of my life. This feels a thousand times worst than with Dean. But then, with Dean I wanted people to know. This is completely different. Or maybe it really isn't.

Let me explain...

Mallory is suddenly obsessed with trying to figure out who Shawn O'Declas is. *Sighs* He's a character in my story, but he was based on someone real. Who? Seth, of course.

As I went into the locker room to change for gym, her class was leaving. She rushed over and begged me for a clue. I told her to mess around with his name - no, not the first name!

So, she wrote his name on the back of her hand... and she spelled it wrong. Maybe, she won't figure it out...
fireflys_locket: (Default)
The 7th grade was combined the whole day. Being a Catholic School, we had our confession day. We have it twice a year: Once before Christmas and once before Easter. I always dread confession days. I get horribly nervous and jumpy. I can't explain why really. I suppose it's just because the priest always looks at me when I'm finished as if to say, "And...". So I always end up saying, "And, that's it." Then he proceeds to look at me as though I am lying. Does anyone else feel that way, I wonder. It's suppose to make you feel better, isn't it? It always makes me feel like I am going to retch.

As I walked up the stairs, feeling rather sick indeed, I realized that classes had changed during my torment. I thought, "Wouldn't it be funny if he was in my seat?".

And guess what? He was. The he being the boy I mildly mentioned before as a fleeting object of affection. I will refer to him from now on as Jellybean. Although, I doubt I'll need to much...

So, I became even more upset. I no longer hold feelings for Jellybean, but it was still difficult to be near him. Why must I hold on to such negative things? Perhaps I'll never know.

Later though, I also had to deal with Seth. He spotted me reading some Saint Tail fanfiction. In the folder I also had my favorite picture of Saint Tail. He was staring at it. He asked annoying questions too. Sadly, it was the highlight of my day.

Finally!

Mar. 19th, 2002 02:19 pm
fireflys_locket: (Default)
As soon as I walked into the room this morning, Seth asked, "Who's Natalie Olson?"

Finally!

Ever since I took Natalie to that basketball game, she's been "in love" with Bryan and Mike and developed an interest in my class/school in general. I didn't think it would matter at first but then she started talking to them.

Well, anyways, he also called me Moose three times. I must say I enjoyed it. A blast from the past!

Still, there were horrors for later in the day. Namely... Mallory Goguen.

Ever since just before Christmas, she and I have been on almost good terms. It's very odd I must say. I remember when we were in third grade playing with Beanie Babies (and Jewel, my Dalmatian plushie from the non-animated 101 Dalmatians movie) and talking about the Lion King. Oh, yes... and Titanic. Shannon, Mallory and I. That's terrifying to think about.

But, then in 4th grade things got rotten. I suppose they always were rotten... I was just too young, too happy to have anyone be my friend at the time.

But, anyways, how we got on speaking terms was interesting. I was working, as always on Lily and the Coral Orb, when she, Jenna, and a few others approached popsicles in their hands. I prepared myself for the worst. With Jenna and Mallory, there was always trouble.

I don't remember exactly what was said (I wasn't keeping a diary yet). But, she was asking about my story. She was a Harry Potter fan, too. I was suspicious, of course, but when she asked to read something of mine, I reluctantly gave her the address.

Nothing happened for a while. Then on December 24, I got this email...

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! That story with dean is soooo funny!! What the heck was that hermione loves harry thing..it was awefully short! I liked your ideas about the coral orb and stuff, and those magical witches names..i dont remember them..but o well! You have neat stories...maybe i should write some! hehe, you've "inspired" me to write..lol, how funny! Are you working on anything new? im a HUGE hp fan too! Ive only seen the movie 3 times though, lol! OK, well, i just thought i'd compliment your work and see if you're wrighting anthing , or publishing anything any time soon! Thanks for giving me the address!
~Mallory...from school, hehe!"

I was... shocked. Very shocked. But, somehow, that bridged a makeshift friendship between us. Funny.

But back to today. We were in the cafeteria because of this stupid king and queen thing. Mallory was talking about who would be the king and queen of our year. She mentioned Dean and I. Everyone found this funny. Save me, of course. It made me very ill. Nothing could be worse, I thought...

"Or you and Seth"

I nearly fainted. I looked at her, shaking. Did she... know something? I didn't think I could bare it if she figured it out. If she didn't have a clue at that point, she definitely saw something in my eyes.

"I think you like him."

Isn't it?

Feb. 26th, 2002 04:23 pm
fireflys_locket: (Default)
It was horrifying. Seth has returned to St. Joes... I found out he would on Wednesday, actually. When Mrs. Elder annouced it, I dropped my books. I knew at once that this was a bad thing.

Still, when he showed up, it was like nothing had changed. He bothered me like crazy.. even called me Moose once. And, as I was explaining a story to Jenna, we got into a fight.

Horrible, awful, dreadful... isn't it?
fireflys_locket: (Default)
you just want to scream, "Why me, God?"

I was fine. I was finally able to be over Seth. Finally! He was gone, but I didn't even care. It didn't matter anymore. I was over Seth! And then... it happened. I saw him again.

Those who know me personally might ask, "How so...? You never go anywhere, Val."

Well, I did.

On a particularly boring Sunday, my father called and asked if I wanted to go somewhere with him. The first thought that popped into my head was a basketball game. Now, I'm not some basketball fan or anything. I really don't like sports. But up until I got to the game, I sort of liked one of the players. I was a very short term thing, so it will not even be mentioned.

I took my best friend, Natalie. That was not a good idea. She's the kind of girl who falls for about 95% of the guys that she meets.

Once there, I went looking for Dean's cousin, Monica. She's also a good friend of mine even though she's a bit younger than me. Actually I usually get along better with people younger or older than me.

Once I found her I looked up and saw HIM. Seth. There. I could not believe my eyes. I know it's childish but only one thought flash through my head... HIDE.

I escaped downstairs to the cafeteria where the Varsity cheerleaders were practicing. Mallory Goguen, yes the girl that was going out with Dean, waved at me. I still cannot believe that we are on speaking terms. Jenna, however, retained her usual glare.

Then I wanted to let Natalie look at my locker. Unfortunately Seth was in the way. We waited until he went upstairs. Only the doors were locked. Seth came downstairs and I was trapped. He loomed above me in a way I couldn't explain. So I was stuck huddling in the corner praying that he wouldn't notice.

I did eventually escape, but as we were leaving we had to walk past Seth. Natalie went through the doors along with my father first. Then suddenly, he spoke:

"Did you finish your novel?"

He was speaking of my fanfiction story, Lily and the Coral Orb. I so well remember the days when he tried to steal it from me and I would kick him.

I said nothing to him.

"I see you driving past me as I walk home from school," he said.

I was mortified. I did have my mom drive me past Sharon school everyday to see him. Only it never seemed like he noticed me. Seth walked home looking depressed and always wearing that light green jacket of his, regardless of the temperature.

Then he said again... "So did you finish your novel?"

I felt Natalie tugging on the back of my shirt and I quickly said, "No" and ran.

I have no idea what I am going to do now...
fireflys_locket: (Bittersweet Memories - _lisichka_)
I'm sitting here... staring at the wall. Hoping to die, mostly. Once upon a time, I looked at that wall the happiest girl in the world. Or it felt that way, sometimes. 

Let me begin it this way...

When I was nine years old, I met a guy named Dean. I never knew I would grow up to live to hate that day. The day I fell.

Back then, everyone thought I was strange for not having feelings for any guy. I was anything but popular anyway. There was not a soul at my school that cared anything about me, let alone was nice to me.

Save Dean... He was new and didn't know any better.

So, of course, I liked Dean a lot, as he had been nice to me. And eventually, I thought I would tell the girls I was in love with Dean, and they would be my friends. I wouldn't be weird for not liking anyone anymore. Little did I know that all things would change.

Dean grew to hate me. After all the never-ending teasing for a year and a half, I really don't blame him one bit. I ruined his life, and he ruined mine. It was my fault, but I think it evened out in the end. Dean suffered for about two years. My suffering is still far from over.

Yet people still believe I love him... Even now. For they didn't know about Seth.

Seth was Dean's best friend, or one of them, at least. I had never been in his class before 6th grade. I knew next to nothing about him. By 6th grade, I hated everyone and everything. You couldn't ask me anything without getting me to snap at you. I was an angry, suicidal girl nearing her teens, though, so it was to be expected.

Seth and I were always around each other. We were always grouped together as my last name starts with Ru and his with Sa. He irritated the Hell out of me. Somehow, though, I was attracted to him. He was the only person who paid me any attention... even if it was all negative.

I can all too well remember my leg brushing against his under these very tables. And the little annoying voice in my head that told me it was wrong. From this point on I shall refer to it as Vanessa. Vanessa is like the bit of you that says you aren't good enough... only times about ten thousand. I can remember it echoing things like, "You are cheating on Dean."

And that's truly what I believed for the longest time. It got me so frustrated that I began writing a story that explained my feelings. One that Seth used to try to steal from me. Little did he know it was all about him.

I guess, deep down, I knew I would fall for Seth. And I did. I can remember the day I finally let myself realize it so well, that I can still feel the eeriness of it all.

I was walking into the gym on a Thursday (March 15, 2001). We were currently playing badminton. Seth was playing football with some friends while the teacher waited for everyone to get dressed.

This also happened to be a day I had thought very seriously of commiting suicide.

Seth came over to me and asked, "Do you want to be my partner, Valerie?"

I remember being insanely surprised that he had not called me Moose (his nickname for me).

"No," I snapped at him, although I silently dared him to push me further.

He did not, so I began to ascend the bleachers.

"Valerie!" He shouted after me, and I turned and rolled my eyes at him. He flung out his arms and said, "Will you marry me?"

And he saved my life. I swear it. And for that, I have dedicated my everything to him.

But Seth is no longer around. He now attends a different school, which I plan to attend when I get out of here in a year and a few months. And I can't wait. I miss him more than I can say.

For now, though, I must deal with this stupid science project concerning celery which my partner is messing up horribly.

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