What Panic Feels Like

I've been having a really bad few days here. Huge understatement, actually. I'm not going to get into why too much, but it's just the usual worries of never finding that one person I could realy connect with more than anyone, my soulmate. Worrying that such a person couldn't exist for me, because I'm so... different, and therefore, who I'm looking for is so unique. Except take months of little worries building up while I watch everyone around me getting engaged, starting families, and even getting their first kisses... and let it all explode.

I even cried at my last session with Jill, which like... almost never happens. I was just losing it. Sometimes, I just get so caught up in panic, that I can barely breathe. And this morning, that happened here while I was home alone. It hurt so much, I was literally screaming my tears out. I felt like I was going to die of pain. That's what panic attacks can be like at their highest intensity.

Reconnecting with one of my best friends is helping me to steady, but I can't honestly predict how things will go right now. How long this wave might last. I'm clinging to the edge of control, and I keep slipping. My mind keeps attacking, saying there's no such thing as soulmates. No one like me exists out there.That life is all about being miserable. That there's no hope for me to ever find happiness.

And anytime things get this bad, I worry that I'll never get back to normal (as pathetic as my normal is). That this will be the wave, which drowns me.

The Next Big Thing: Dreaming in Shadow

Okay, my last entry was intense. But I needed to get it out before I tried to tackle this one. A friend and fellow novelist, LK Hunsaker, tagged me from her blog to do this little set of questions. I love questions, by the way. In fact, it's somewhat traditional for me to fill out questions or surveys on my journal, when I'm at my worst. It gives me a temporary focus.

"The rules of the blog hop are simple: Answer ten questions about your WIP (Work in Progress) and tag five more writers/bloggers to do the same. A chain of links will lead you, dear reader, to a forest of wonderful writers all busy creating new books just for you… or so I'm told. So here's my contribution to the chain."

I know a few writers read my blog, so please, carry on the idea! And let me know when you post it! As far as I'm concerned, tell us about whatever creative projects you are working on. Doesn't have to be a novel.

What is the working title of your book?

For this, I'm going to talk about Dreaming in Shadow. I still believe it may be my first book actually out there, and I'm planning to refocus my attention on it next month.

Where did the idea come from for your book?

Plain and simple, I took a nap on December 24, 2003, and I had an awesome dream. When I woke up, I knew things about the characters. Names and personalities. Certain things that were going on with them. It was not my first awesome dream idea, but it was the one, that made me say, "This is it! My first real novel!" I've been working on it ever since.

What genre does your book fall under?

Young-Adult Fantasy/Romance. I believe most of my writing can be categorized this way, though I do like to think I have some fresh ideas to bring to the genre.

Which actors would you choose to play your characters in a movie rendition?

Oh, boy! This will be fun. I can't do this for all of my books, but I can for this one. I really lined up some names of characters after actors I had in mind. These might not be accurate in the idea of being the right age to do my movie now, but here we go...


My main character Jodi Thompson is inspired by Rachel Hurd-Wood as Wendy Darling. With shoulder-length light brown hair, she'd be perfect.


Jeremy Summers is very clearly inspired by Jeremy Sumpter as Peter Pan. Needs to be blonde with ocean eyes.


Drew (last name left out for spoiler reasons) is inspired by Andy Lawrence. He needs shorter jet-black hair and grey eyes, but he's a great match.


Drake (last name left out for spoiler reasons) inspired by Drake Bell. Looks are 100%. I don't know why I put him in such a dark role, but most actors would love that, right?


Jamie Thompson played by Justin Whalin as Zach Sands. He was not one of the original concepts, but he fits really well (for more reasons than I can say). Just needs dark blue eyes.


Shaye Whittaker played by Alexandria Deberry. Shaye has honey-coloured eyes.

And my newest casting...


Tiffany Heart inspired by Tifa Lockhart from Final Fantasy VII. Played by Shay Mitchell.

What is the one sentence synopsis of your book?

Ooh. Tricky.

"A girl with emerging magical powers tries to save her lost love from the path of darkness he has chosen to follow."

Will your book be self-published or represented by an agency?

Self-published, because I refuse to let someone else decide how my book will go. While my books do cover a lot of average Teen Fantasy/Romance tropes, I also have a lot of storylines and relationships, that are different from the normal market. I will not be told (for example) to straighten out gay characters.

How long did it take to write the first draft of your book?

Eep! I'm still writing it. I've written and rewritten the early parts of Dreaming in Shadow so many times, but this is my first go at a full first draft. But it's nearly done. I'd have to really think about when I started this one. Perhaps, 2007?

What other books would you compare this story to within your genre?

Hmm. I may have to think on that one. I am not as well-read as people think.

Who or what inspired you to write this book?

The dream and the 2003 version of Peter Pan. I also was inspired a bit by a fanfiction, which will remain nameless for now, for spoiler reasons. And all the lovely music I collected for the Dreaming in Shadow soundtrack, particularly Coldplay, for this one.

What else about the book might pique the reader’s interest?

Magic, visions, and a girl deciding between protecting her love and doing the right thing. Actually... let me give you my work-in-progress synopsis!

"Jodi's been in love with her next-door-neighbor as far back as she can remember. After his disappearance, visions lead her into dangerous close encounters with the gang leader she believes to be her lost love. Jodi is willing to do anything to protect Shadow, but her actions lead to upsetting consequences. As she gets closer to Shadow, she will be forced to choose between protecting the boy she's always loved and saving the lives of innocent people."