fireflys_locket: (Pretty Hachi - girlgamer)
When you get this ask, list 5 things that make you happy, then send it to the last 10 people that liked/reblogged something from you :)

I decided to repost this here since I ended up writing a lot and wanted to share with more people.

So, you may or may not know, but I struggle a lot with the word happy. If I use it, like I did yesterday, I usually say “I’m happy to” or “I’m happy with” not straight up “I’m happy”. Because I have never felt the kind of happiness that gets down deep in your heart. I’ve always felt lonely and scared of being even more alone in my future. And this is getting awfully mopey for my being in a decently good mood. Sorry.

But here are some things that make me happy-ish and have gotten me through hard times:

1. Working on Magic Inc. Writing, in general, feels great as long as I don’t try to force it and just follow my inspiration’s lead. But Magic Inc. feels even more special than my other stories because it allows me to relive my childhood fantasies and work through some of my deepest feelings in text. That also makes it scarier to eventually share that story with other people. (And soon.) But hopefully, it will reach people who can relate to it.

2. The Sims. I love The Sims. I love making characters on there and “work” stuff like that. But I also love just playing. I’m constantly making stories in my head while playing Sims, and occasionally, they end up as some part of my fictional universe. But just being able to create stuff that’s just for me is a good creative exercise. I get to create without any pressure.

3. Giant Bomb. I can’t tell you how much Giant Bomb (and older GameSpot) videos and podcasts have helped me get through rough periods in my life for the past ten years. The Persona 4 Endurance Run is something I go back to time and time again, and I kind of can’t imagine my life without these dudes in it, as silly as that may sound. Losing Ryan Davis was so hard because it felt like he was a distant friend.

4. Having a great therapist/mentor. Jill is a key part of my life. She’s encouraged me to be myself and follow my dreams. There’s no way I’d be getting ready to publish my first book right now without Jill to read everything I’ve written and to give me her honest feedback.

5. Watching through TV shows with my Mom. Since my great emotional crash of 2010, I’ve usually spent a few hours every night, during my most emotionally vulnerable time, watching TV shows with my Mom. This idea has greatly improved as we realized that watching shows from the beginning through DVDs or streaming is much more fun than just seeing what’s on and having to choose from that. We’ve watched through almost 25 shows over the last few years, and we have fun making silly references to each other.
fireflys_locket: (Jamie Glances Over - fireflys_locket)
For some people, pushing themselves helps them to succeed. I've really never found this to be the case for me. Sure, a little pushing can yield a good result. Occasionally. But after pushing myself to write everyday in November, I came crashing down. I forced myself to write a special chapter on the night before Christmas, but other than that, I didn't get much else done in December. I was writing a lot of journal entries, but once I finished the theme I was following, I even stalled on that.

Here's what I have been doing. Yeah. I learned out how to make .gifs and just started getting crazy with it. Then, I made the very bright or very stupid decision to make some .gifs from A Walk to Remember, which is probably my favorite movie, but I never watch it, because it makes me cry so hard. I was just going to watch a few scenes... then, I was watching the whole thing. At the end, I found myself newly obsessed. And extremely depressed. But also, feeling the need to write. I watched it again the next day, made more .gifs, and put it away. Then, what happens the day after? I left ABC Family on after watching a movie, and eventually, A Walk to Remember comes on. At that point, I realized there must be some reason for this movie to be on my mind right now.

Or for me to be emotionally unstable. Because I'm also back to reading this book. I find myself able to read less and less at a time, as the couple keeps getting closer and closer. There's a part of me that wants to like them together, because they seem truly in love with each other, and I adore both of the characters. But instead, I find myself getting ill, like I was about to sleep with someone I didn't love. That's really the best way I can describe it. I have a problem, I know. :/

Last week, while dealing with all these emotions and a family upset, I ended up playing a lot of Sims 2. Like way too much. Pretty much the amount I played in the weeks back in 2005, when I first left school, and I was too depressed to do anything else. But I think by taking things slowly, with little to no pressure, I recovered. Then, Friday, I took the small bits of emotional writing I did over the couple of weeks and rewrote them in a better chapter. And I felt centered. Finally, I actually enjoyed writing again.

So, maybe I got a lot done in November, but I honestly think it was too much pressure for me. It took this long to enjoy writing again. Not to mention the emotions that had to get stirred up. But that's how it usually goes for me. If I have a writing crisis, it takes my emotions needing the release to make writing feel natural again. Because that's what it's supposed to be for me: a lovely, natural need. Like breathing.
fireflys_locket: (Hermione in Love - fireflys_locket)
So, I decided not to dress up this year. It's something I've been considering for awhile. And it isn't because I think I'm too old for Halloween. That's just silly. It's because last year, a guy rang the doorbell, and I answered it, thinking he was a kid. He didn't try to kidnap me or anything. He just tricked me into coming to the door, so he could grill me about voting. Not cool. Halloween is the only time I answered the door when I wasn't expecting someone, but he totally ruined it. Now, I know that it probably just sounds stupid to react this way, but I'm a person with extreme Social Anxiety. I can't handle this.

But after thinking about how Halloween was the only holiday I still enjoyed, I knew I had to do something special. Sims 2 photoshoots! YaY! So, maybe, I've now taken a "step backwards" into more introverted behaviour, but whatever. I'm just me, guys. I can't help it.

Anyways, my original idea - which I'm still planning to do - was to take pictures of Miss Masquerade characters wearing masks. But I was thinking about how I failed to finish a new Hate You, Hate Me chapter for Audry's birthday. And also, how I've always been jealous of authors, who have awesome banners for their fanfics. Well, I am jealous no more.

While I was making Draco and Hermione and their families, I also took some pictures just for fun. So, here's a little story for Draco/Hermione fans... or people, who can appreciate Harry Potter silliness. (But it's mostly just for Audry.)

Take a look? (Beware the silliness!) )
fireflys_locket: (Lightning Sky - inksmears)
Last weekend, I went to another Fall event. It was lovely. Small and enjoyable. I went mostly to see the author I mentioned in my post. She told me again to stay in touch, but I don't want to bother her with questions when I'm nowhere near publishing. But that's the weird thing. When I think about where I am in Dreaming in Shadow, the end doesn't seem so far away. I've come a long way since earlier this year, but I'm not so nervous about that. Well, not as nervous as I was. I think meeting someone, who has finished books in front of her, made me want to get there, too. I want to be a these lovely Fall events with books to sell. And L.K. said there's always room in her tent.

So, do I really want to be finished with Dreaming in Shadow? Yes, and no. I've been thinking about length lately. Comparing my two major stories of right now: Dreaming in Shadow and Miss Masquerade. Dreaming in Shadow is at 148 pages, and Miss Masquerade is at 140. But there are so many events coming for Miss Masquerade. It's probably only half done. Dreaming in Shadow... I'm starting to worry it is going to be too short. Part of the issue is that there's a stretch of time coming eventually, and I'm not sure how much of it I'll write. How much is worth writing.

I don't want Dreaming in Shadow to be short, but I also don't want it pointlessly lengthened. So, that's where I am with writing now. I'm only worrying about the end approaching too soon for that reason. Though, if I'm going to lengthen it, that will happen when I go to the typing phase, most likely. I just hope it doesn't turn out really, really short when I'm done. I don't know how written to typed translates.

Meanwhile, I've been continuing to make characters on Sims 2. I even got into pose boxes - which I never thought I'd try - because I was tired of the same 7 or so poses that the game provides. I was totally lost with them, at first. But I made a post asking for help. It still takes some experimenting, but the results can be so cool. Just to give a taste of what I've been doing...

Jodi of Dreaming in Shadow on her balcony.
fireflys_locket: (Pillow for Morgan - lovestruckicons)
I dreamed quite vividly last night. Mostly of Morgan. Now that I'm awake, I feel like my heart was carved out. I just want to go back to sleep where Morgan is real and with me. Awake, I'm just miserable and alone.

But maybe it's normal to feel miserable today.

I want to write something beautiful and poignant about today, but I don't know how. I feel exhausted by emotion. I wasn't personally affected by September 11th, though I think you'd have to be a pretty cold person to not be affected by it in some way. I think I do remember writing something on the 5th anniversary in my paper journal.


Well, yesterday, I did have an interesting day. I went to a fall festival with Jan and Paul. I didn't have any money, which made me not want to bother with going, but I'm glad I did. I spotted a woman at a booth with lots of books and walked over, figuring she might be a self-published author. And indeed, I was right. It was really nice talking with her, though I feel like I was probably rambling too much. Anyways, I took a look at her site, and I think I'll order a book soon.

The festival was nice. We enjoyed the band that was playing. It was very muddy, but someone had an idea to wash off in a little water pool. Jan and I did it, and suddenly, a bunch of people came over to do it, too. HeH. It was kind of funny.

Before yesterday, I spent two days of mostly Sims 2. I've been making lots of characters. I even changed a couple of names around, which means I'll have to edit Miss Masquerade a bit. I found a decent hair for Destiny, too. I'd like to make her soon, but though I know her history, I don't have a full name for her. Hmm. Eventually, I will put up pictures of characters, but I'm not sure how much of an interest there would be at this point.

I feel like I should write today, but just writing this made me feel weak. :/
fireflys_locket: (Charlie's Stuck - fireflys_locket)
Writing went better this week. Thank goodness. I wrote 5 pages on Wednesday, and yesterday, I wrote a little over a page while I was having lunch with my Mom. I'm still in some sort of funk, though. I don't want to go to bed, and I don't want to get up in the morning. I hate this sort of feeling. It's hard to believe that I ever felt better about both things. *Sighs* At least, I'm writing a little bit, right?

I'm been playing a lot of Suikoden. It has twice now made me get a little teary over character deaths. I wasn't expecting that to be such a big part of the game. I guess it's a good reflection of real war. I'm enjoying the game a lot, though I reached some frustration recently with a one-on-one battle. They are so dependent on chance, it seems. I didn't mean to lose you, Pahn. :/ But I had no idea what I was doing.

Today, I had a bit of self-discovery in Persona 4. While I was watching the Endurance Run, I sort of got used to the way they were playing the game. When I starting to play the game for myself, I did make some different choices, but I stuck with the Charlie/Chie pairing. But today, I was social linking with Ayane (who they didn't meet, as they chose Drama over Band), and I realized I liked her best. I mean, I've been playing Charlie like me - or Morgan, if you'd rather - and honestly, Chie loves steak too much to be my girlfriend. I mean, I love her to death, but... not that way. And Ayane said, "There really is such a thing as true love..." the time I saw her after admitting our feelings. Aww. <3

Still, with the way I got really attached to Charlie/Chie while watching the Endurance Run, I'm surprised that I changed my opinion. I bet Protagonist/Ayane is the least popular pairing. Haha. Concerning other Persona 4 pairings, I think I kind of like Chie/Yukiko now, also. However, Kanji/Naoto, is still my first favorite, easily. I totally had a crush on Naoto when I thought she was a boy... okay, it was pretty obvious, but still. I wouldn't dare take her from Kanji in the game, though. :P I also like Teddy/Rise because they fit together perfectly in my mind; they often have similar reactions to things. And I can't seem to think of Yosuke with anyone other than Saki. He just seemed to care so much about her. That's pretty tragic, huh? *Sighs*

I'm so tempted to write a Persona 4 fic now. Ehehe. No one would read it, but... I sort of came up with the idea as I played. Charlie is dating Chie, but realizes he likes Ayane. Meanwhile, Chie struggles with feelings for Yukiko. I totally want to write that! Especially because I feel guilty for choosing to be with Ayane after already choosing Chie. I am not a cheater! :/ Why isn't there an option to have a long talk with Chie to break things off first? I know, I know. No one cares about these things except me.

You know, that reminds me of the trouble I was having with the Sparks family on The Sims 2 this week! Arinasa has three bolts for two different guys. She's already dating one of them, but she rolls wants for the other guy, and she is a Pleasure-Romance sim - the worst! I don't know what to do. :/ Normally, I let a sim do what their wants decide even if it is against what I want for them, but I have the future of the legacy to think about this time. The other guy is a Capp (so not an NPC), but I'm caring less and less about rules after being away from the challenge for so long. I just want to document a 10 Generation family, at this point.

I'm definitely going to need some input about what I should do about Arinasa's love troubles. Hopefully, the update will be up soon. I'm having the next chapter of The Only One looked over, so that could be up even sooner. And finally, I am going to try to rewrite the final currently posted chapter of Hate You, Hate Me by the end of the month. Wow, that's a lot of stuff. We'll see what happens!
fireflys_locket: (Dancing Baby Jeff - fireflys_locket)

Things are going pretty well. Finally. I got some writing done over the weekend. Nothing too major, but it was enough to feel I had broken out of the cold's grasp. I'm feeling very inspired in preproduction, too. I'm so excited about a couple of ideas right now, but they are so far down the line of what I'm currently writing that it is kind of funny.

I don't think I'll ever run out of story ideas. If I ever got close, I guess I'd just throw some characters into The Sims 2 and see what happened!

And speaking of sims! (Well, honestly, that was an artificial segue. And you know, I had to look up how to spell that! I've never actually seen in in print. Crazy. Okay, back to sims talk...)

I finished a sims story, In the Valley of the Sun, that I started reading back in May of this year. *Cringes* But be assured, that cringe is for "May of this year" and not the story in question! It was a fantastic story; the best Sims 3 story I've read so far. And I can't believe how great some of the shots that [ profile] medleymisty got were. I find the Sims 3 very difficult to take good pictures in, but she manages very well with it. She's also working on a text-only story following one of the character's pasts. I'll probably take a little break before I read that, but it's always nice to know there's a little more of a world you loved to enjoy.

After I finished the story, I started thinking about my other two favorite sims stories. So, I went ahead and updated my Favorite Fanworks List with all three stories. <3 They are all highly recommended. I totally feel like restarting the other stories now. They aren't finished, and I'm behind on one of them, which might become my new project. First, I read through If You've a Ready Mind, then In the Valley of the Sun in a few chapters a day format. It's worked pretty well so far.

The other thing I've been excited about over the last few days is getting a paid account for Giant Bomb/Whiskey Media. I thought it over for a few weeks, but I decided that all the laughter those guys have given me over the last 4 years is worth $50 a year, when I have it. Just the first Endurance Run was over 100 hours of enjoyment. Then, there's the podcasts, Quick Looks, and old On the Spots. They've helped me through some hard times, and laughter is the best medicine, right? When I explained my decision to my Mom, she said, "I really should thank them.".

The only paid subscriber thing I've really cared about so far are the weekly Whiskey Media Happy Hours. They feel to me like a throwback to old On the Spots but with more than just games to talk about. I've been going through the episodes, and I'm enjoying them very much. But really, my money is more like a thank-you gift to the sites for all the help they've given me.

And hey, thinking about it, The Sims 2 is the other thing I've turned to time and time again to help cheer me up since I left school. And I spoke briefly about writing, too. My three best forms of therapy: writing, simming, and Giant Bombing. Other than my real therapy, of course. <3


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