For some people, pushing themselves helps them to succeed. I've really never found this to be the case for me. Sure, a little pushing can yield a good result. Occasionally. But after pushing myself to write everyday in November, I came crashing down. I forced myself to write a special chapter on the night before Christmas, but other than that, I didn't get much else done in December. I was writing a lot of journal entries, but once I finished the theme I was following, I even stalled on that.

Here's what I have been doing. Yeah. I learned out how to make .gifs and just started getting crazy with it. Then, I made the very bright or very stupid decision to make some .gifs from A Walk to Remember, which is probably my favorite movie, but I never watch it, because it makes me cry so hard. I was just going to watch a few scenes... then, I was watching the whole thing. At the end, I found myself newly obsessed. And extremely depressed. But also, feeling the need to write. I watched it again the next day, made more .gifs, and put it away. Then, what happens the day after? I left ABC Family on after watching a movie, and eventually, A Walk to Remember comes on. At that point, I realized there must be some reason for this movie to be on my mind right now.

Or for me to be emotionally unstable. Because I'm also back to reading this book. I find myself able to read less and less at a time, as the couple keeps getting closer and closer. There's a part of me that wants to like them together, because they seem truly in love with each other, and I adore both of the characters. But instead, I find myself getting ill, like I was about to sleep with someone I didn't love. That's really the best way I can describe it. I have a problem, I know. :/

Last week, while dealing with all these emotions and a family upset, I ended up playing a lot of Sims 2. Like way too much. Pretty much the amount I played in the weeks back in 2005, when I first left school, and I was too depressed to do anything else. But I think by taking things slowly, with little to no pressure, I recovered. Then, Friday, I took the small bits of emotional writing I did over the couple of weeks and rewrote them in a better chapter. And I felt centered. Finally, I actually enjoyed writing again.

So, maybe I got a lot done in November, but I honestly think it was too much pressure for me. It took this long to enjoy writing again. Not to mention the emotions that had to get stirred up. But that's how it usually goes for me. If I have a writing crisis, it takes my emotions needing the release to make writing feel natural again. Because that's what it's supposed to be for me: a lovely, natural need. Like breathing.

Last weekend, I went to another Fall event. It was lovely. Small and enjoyable. I went mostly to see the author I mentioned in my post. She told me again to stay in touch, but I don't want to bother her with questions when I'm nowhere near publishing. But that's the weird thing. When I think about where I am in Dreaming in Shadow, the end doesn't seem so far away. I've come a long way since earlier this year, but I'm not so nervous about that. Well, not as nervous as I was. I think meeting someone, who has finished books in front of her, made me want to get there, too. I want to be a these lovely Fall events with books to sell. And L.K. said there's always room in her tent.

So, do I really want to be finished with Dreaming in Shadow? Yes, and no. I've been thinking about length lately. Comparing my two major stories of right now: Dreaming in Shadow and Miss Masquerade. Dreaming in Shadow is at 148 pages, and Miss Masquerade is at 140. But there are so many events coming for Miss Masquerade. It's probably only half done. Dreaming in Shadow... I'm starting to worry it is going to be too short. Part of the issue is that there's a stretch of time coming eventually, and I'm not sure how much of it I'll write. How much is worth writing.

I don't want Dreaming in Shadow to be short, but I also don't want it pointlessly lengthened. So, that's where I am with writing now. I'm only worrying about the end approaching too soon for that reason. Though, if I'm going to lengthen it, that will happen when I go to the typing phase, most likely. I just hope it doesn't turn out really, really short when I'm done. I don't know how written to typed translates.

Meanwhile, I've been continuing to make characters on Sims 2. I even got into pose boxes - which I never thought I'd try - because I was tired of the same 7 or so poses that the game provides. I was totally lost with them, at first. But I made a post asking for help. It still takes some experimenting, but the results can be so cool. Just to give a taste of what I've been doing...


Jodi of Dreaming in Shadow on her balcony.

Writing went better this week. Thank goodness. I wrote 5 pages on Wednesday, and yesterday, I wrote a little over a page while I was having lunch with my Mom. I'm still in some sort of funk, though. I don't want to go to bed, and I don't want to get up in the morning. I hate this sort of feeling. It's hard to believe that I ever felt better about both things. *Sighs* At least, I'm writing a little bit, right?

I'm been playing a lot of Suikoden. It has twice now made me get a little teary over character deaths. I wasn't expecting that to be such a big part of the game. I guess it's a good reflection of real war. I'm enjoying the game a lot, though I reached some frustration recently with a one-on-one battle. They are so dependent on chance, it seems. I didn't mean to lose you, Pahn. :/ But I had no idea what I was doing.

Today, I had a bit of self-discovery in Persona 4. While I was watching the Endurance Run, I sort of got used to the way they were playing the game. When I starting to play the game for myself, I did make some different choices, but I stuck with the Charlie/Chie pairing. But today, I was social linking with Ayane (who they didn't meet, as they chose Drama over Band), and I realized I liked her best. I mean, I've been playing Charlie like me - or Morgan, if you'd rather - and honestly, Chie loves steak too much to be my girlfriend. I mean, I love her to death, but... not that way. And Ayane said, "There really is such a thing as true love..." the time I saw her after admitting our feelings. Aww. <3

Still, with the way I got really attached to Charlie/Chie while watching the Endurance Run, I'm surprised that I changed my opinion. I bet Protagonist/Ayane is the least popular pairing. Haha. Concerning other Persona 4 pairings, I think I kind of like Chie/Yukiko now, also. However, Kanji/Naoto, is still my first favorite, easily. I totally had a crush on Naoto when I thought she was a boy... okay, it was pretty obvious, but still. I wouldn't dare take her from Kanji in the game, though. :P I also like Teddy/Rise because they fit together perfectly in my mind; they often have similar reactions to things. And I can't seem to think of Yosuke with anyone other than Saki. He just seemed to care so much about her. That's pretty tragic, huh? *Sighs*

I'm so tempted to write a Persona 4 fic now. Ehehe. No one would read it, but... I sort of came up with the idea as I played. Charlie is dating Chie, but realizes he likes Ayane. Meanwhile, Chie struggles with feelings for Yukiko. I totally want to write that! Especially because I feel guilty for choosing to be with Ayane after already choosing Chie. I am not a cheater! :/ Why isn't there an option to have a long talk with Chie to break things off first? I know, I know. No one cares about these things except me.

You know, that reminds me of the trouble I was having with the Sparks family on The Sims 2 this week! Arinasa has three bolts for two different guys. She's already dating one of them, but she rolls wants for the other guy, and she is a Pleasure-Romance sim - the worst! I don't know what to do. :/ Normally, I let a sim do what their wants decide even if it is against what I want for them, but I have the future of the legacy to think about this time. The other guy is a Capp (so not an NPC), but I'm caring less and less about rules after being away from the challenge for so long. I just want to document a 10 Generation family, at this point.

I'm definitely going to need some input about what I should do about Arinasa's love troubles. Hopefully, the update will be up soon. I'm having the next chapter of The Only One looked over, so that could be up even sooner. And finally, I am going to try to rewrite the final currently posted chapter of Hate You, Hate Me by the end of the month. Wow, that's a lot of stuff. We'll see what happens!