fireflys_locket: (Lovely Reflection - amethystia)
"The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

It's weird, being that person who doesn't change much, watching other people change or talk about big changes. How they aren't the same person they used to be. It baffles me. It makes me feel different. Other. Just like I always have. Being alienated as a child actually helped me to get to know myself much more quickly than most people.

I know not all changes are bad. Sometimes people have to shift over time to be the person they were meant to be. And that's okay, for some people. But the thing is, I've basically always known who I was. There were things about myself and what I believed in that I tried to deny to fit in better, whether with classmates or the church or whatever. But deep down, I knew how I really felt. Dropping out of school gave me the chance to accept myself as I am.

I always knew what I wanted to be, too. I've been a vegetarian since thirteen. A writer since ten. A make-believer/story-creator much longer than that. And searching for my soulmate as far back as I can remember. (Maybe what I've been looking for has changed a bit over the years, but it's only that I realized I deserved better. Someone who really loved and understood me.)

It's good, knowing yourself so well; it's constant and reliable. Though knowing who you are doesn't mean you never have doubts. It doesn't make everything else just fall into place, either. It doesn't mean you don't have limitations. The same ostracism that helped me know myself also left wounds that have handicapped me all these years later.

I am still young Jane Roberts. I'm still that nine-year-old girl with all of that passion and anxiety. I still rely so much on my Mother and can't be on my own. I'm still terrified of so many things (mainly people), and I'm just as lonely as I ever was. Maybe more-so after closing myself off so far away from people.

When I was young, I always felt older. Like I understood more than everyone else. Maybe every kid feels that way. I probably actually knew far less about life than the kids around me. But I did, at least, know more about myself than most of them could understand.

Now that I'm an "adult", I feel more like a teenager than I ever did at that age. I feel like I never developed past the age I left school. I am twenty-seven, and I barely feel seventeen. And I know I'm not alone in not feeling my age either, but few people are actually in the exact same situation they were in ten years ago. They are not as stuck as I am. They are not as crippled and ruled by anxiety as I am.

But through all this, I know who I am. And I love that person. I don't want to be anyone else.

"Your time as a caterpillar has expired; your wings are ready."

It doesn't mean I don't want my life to change. I'm dying to break free of the bud, to spread my wings and fly. But wanting it doesn't make it happen. Everyone wants to say that your only limitations are the ones you give to yourself. That you can choose to be happy.

Do you really think I wouldn't choose to be happy if I could choose that?

The truth is that mental and emotional illnesses are just as real as any physical limitation. If I could live on my own, I would. Believe me. At this point, I am absolutely sick over having to live in the situation I'm in. I feel so trapped I can hardly breathe.

I don't want to be normal anymore (though sometimes I still think I do). I have always had my own path to follow. And that's good. I wouldn't change that now. I love who I am, flaws and limitations and all. But I want a better, happier life. I want to break free from the circumstances that have held me in like a closed bud, and fly.

But I cannot fly on my own.
fireflys_locket: (Pretty Hachi - girlgamer)
I know it sounds crazy, but I'm not all that happy that spring is here. Don't get me wrong; I like the flowers and the fresh air and being able to wear my normal clothes out again. But something weird happened this past winter. I decided not to care. Not to go out much. Not to force myself into things. Winter was the perfect excuse to stay home and save my energy for writing. And my goodness, did I get a lot of work done. It's amazing what you can do when you're not feeling drained from forcing yourself to be out around people.

I bet some people will think that means I'm "going backwards", because they think I should be getting out around people more. But it never feels like progress to me. It doesn't make me happier. Honestly, it rarely feels worth the stress to me. It's not worth the drained/depressed feeling I get afterward either. It is very nice to do things with friends and family from time to time, and I wouldn't want to stay away from being out completely or anything. But I chose what I wanted to do much more carefully over the winter. Which left me a lot more energy for writing. And now, I'm one chapter away from finishing Magic Inc.'s second draft and moving fully into the editing phase. I really think I'll be able to have the book completely done in a few months. As long as I don't have another emotional crash...

That's the other thing about spring; it leads to summer. And summer is not a typically good time for me. Neither is my birthday at the end of May. And I'm scared; I'm so scared. Last year I made it through summer and crashed in the fall instead. But it was horrible. It felt like one of the worst I've ever had. Winter allowed me to pull away from expectations and just focus on recovering. And I ended up doing more than that. The freedom from the whole "getting outside of your comfort zone" thing so many people preach actually granted me more progress. I work better when I am comfortable and not under pressure. That's just how it works for me.

But the nice weather is back, and so are the expectations. Not just from other people, but from myself. Winter is often about survival. Spring is about wanting more. And I do want more. I want to find Morgan. I want deeper friendships with people who understand me. I want my writing to reach people. But I may not get any of those things. At least not any time soon. There's a pressure building in me, whether I like it or not, for things to change. For finishing a book to be more than finishing a book. For it to be some kind of catalyst in my life. To break free of the ten-year cycle. I know who I am, and I know what I want. I want to move forward. But I need to move forward my way, at my pace. Towards what I want, not what others think is best for me. That's what winter taught me. To take better care of myself.

I decided at the beginning of winter to figure out what was good about it. To let time go forward and not fight the seasons so harshly. Now, I need to figure out what spring can offer. I don't know what that will be yet, but I don't want to forget what winter gave me in the process. I want to learn to appreciate each season for what it is and respect the flow of time, working with it instead of against it. Wish me luck.
fireflys_locket: (Lovely Reflection - amethystia)
I had a bit of a stressful dream last night about school and feeling left out when my high school class graduated. Now, I realize why. Today was the last day I went to school ten years ago. Yeah, ten. That's a long time. For a while, I blamed myself for not being strong enough to carry on, but I've realized that I did what I had to. The longer I put off getting help would've just meant it would take longer to get where I am today. I still can't quite say that I'm happy, but I do have hope. I have a purpose, work that feels important. I have a therapist who became my biggest encouragement in getting back in touch with that purpose. I finally found a medication that helps to stabilize me without bad side effects or a numbing out of emotions.

I've figured out a lot about myself by pulling away from the normal path, and though I certainly still have things to work on, I mostly like what I found. I know exactly who I am, and I don’t pretend to be anything else anymore. I try to love myself, even when it’s hard. I understand how I work best. I know enough about myself to decide on what's best for me, instead of what other people project as being the right/only way. I know I only have so much energy, and I try to use it wisely. If I were still striving so hard to be "normal", I wouldn't be able to focus on my writing because that would take most of my energy.

There are still things I need in my life to be truly happy. My heart is still waiting for that person to have the deepest of connections with. I struggle with loneliness for friendship as well. Sometimes, I still miss everything I lost when I left school. But in leaving, I really did find myself.

I’ll probably be sad about this for a few days. Maybe even a week. That’s just natural. I’ll find ways to cope, and I’ll move on. It’s funny, though, that this anniversary comes just on the edge of completing my first book. It’s hard to tell if releasing Magic Inc. Book One will really change my life in any big way, but there is at least that possibility that something good could come of this. I’ll try to hang onto that hope.
fireflys_locket: (Valerie's Happiness - fireflys_locket)
The last few years, I've written up long resolutions/intentions for the year. I don't think I'm going to do that this year. That doesn't mean there aren't things I want to accomplish this year. There are plenty of things I'd love to do. I've even done a pretty fair job at accomplishing last year's goals.

I finished my big cleaning project by the end of May. (Which was exhausting and made me reevaluate my goals for the rest of the year.) I might not have had as epic of a writing year as 2013, but I certainly put a lot of effort into it, getting Magic Inc. revisions 3/4 of the way through and finally pulling Dreaming in Shadow through some successful revisions as well. Another year passed without seeing the end of Miss Masquerade's first draft, but I really have only one chapter left. I read way more in one year than I ever had before. I even put some major effort into exercising, though that was completely derailed by my yearly breakdown and still hasn't gotten back on track.

The truth is... I want the same things every year. The specifics may shift; this story over that story and such. But the core of what I want is the same. Writing, friendship, health. And Morgan. Always Morgan. Finding my soulmate and getting to live a happy, passionate, and safe life with him is always what I want the most. And I've gotten signs from the Universe over the years that finding him is somehow tied with writing, possibly even completing a story. Sometimes that motivates me and other times it crushes me with pressure. Still, I figure if I keep following the guidance I get along with my own intuition I'll find my way to him. I have to. It's too important that it happens. It's everything to me.

But I have to stay away from pressure, because it breaks me. I have to be free to breathe and follow my truth and guidance. So, this year... I don't know if I'll complete the second drafts of Magic Inc. Book One and/or Dreaming in Shadow. I don't know if I'll have something ready to publish. I don't know if I'll be able to get a focus back on health. Or find the better balanced friendships I'm always craving. I don't even know if I'll meet Morgan (yet). But I'm going to focus on the core of those things. And try to believe everything, including me, is as it should be... and on the way to becoming even better.
fireflys_locket: (Valerie's Happiness - fireflys_locket)
It's a new year, and I'm actually pretty excited about that. It's freeing to put away the complications of a long year and start fresh again. I felt pretty good at the beginning of last year, too. But this year might feel even better. Maybe there was just more I wanted to let go of. Truthfully, you can start fresh at any time, but this is a really powerful time to try.

I wrote out a post about what I wanted for 2013, and I decided to look back at it now and think about how the year went.

I've said this before, but I think 2013 was by far my best year when it comes to writing. I finished two first drafts in the first three months of the year. It was an emotional, bittersweet experience. For a while it was mostly painful, but I can look back with pride. (I put everything I have into writing first drafts, so it's definitely worth something at the end.) I spent most of the rest of the year working on the second drafts, resulting in about 15 nearly ideal chapters of fiction. In October, I took a little break from revision to start a new story. I also finished the first draft of my half of Spun of Silver, and got started on its second draft. And got very, very close to finishing the first draft of Miss Masquerade.

And almost all of that work was done without putting pressure on myself to constantly be getting stuff done. I didn't make sure I had something to show Jill every week. I chose to follow what I felt most called to work on at that moment... whether that was writing, revising, outlining, building houses, making Sims, sorting music (which sometimes leads to amazing new ideas), or even just relaxing and taking in inspiration. And it led to my most productive year ever.

I also did a lot of organizing in 2013. I didn't completely finish clearing a space for a new bookshelf and DVD cabinet, but I put a slow, consistent effort into sorting through stuff. I get really anxious when it comes to empty spaces in my room and letting go of possessions, so there was really no way to get this done more quickly. And I'm proud of myself for just getting this far. It may not seem like a big deal from the outside, but inside, it's a huge deal, trust me.

There were some things I didn't do so well with, though...

Health-wise, 2013 was a total flop. Well, I didn't get super sick or anything like that, which I'm quite thankful for. But I probably put the least amount of effort into eating healthy and exercising since I first started thinking about that stuff. If I'm honest about it, it's been a continual downward slide since my Grandma died in 2011. I don't know exactly why, but it's something I've noticed. And I don't really feel comfortable talking about weight and exercising, which maybe isn't helping. I do know that - like it or not - I am a very low energy person, and I have to be careful with where I put that energy. Last year, I chose writing. A lot. And I'm not exactly sorry about that. But I would like to put a bit more energy into health matters this year. If I could even just shift out of this downward slide a tiny bit, that would be great.

Another thing that suffered was reading. I only read 11 books in 2013. That's not even one per month. I've always been a slow reader, but this is pretty bad. Still, I actually know exactly what went wrong here. I spent most of the year reading books I felt like I needed to read over what I really wanted to read at the moment. I had books to review, books from writer friends, and books from writer acquaintances. That's not to say I didn't enjoy those books. I definitely did! (Well, except that book I reviewed. That, I could have skipped.) But I constantly had another book next on the list, instead of just following the flow of what was really calling me. Having everything scheduled is very draining to me. I like to have important necessities planned out, but when it comes to the rest of my time, I like randomness paired with intuition. There was a point where I wasn't even enjoying reading anymore, because I had turned reading into work. That's when I finally followed my intuition and took a break from my list to read some books I was really excited to read. I think I would have enjoyed the other books I read last year more if I had spaced them out better from the beginning. Lesson learned, I hope.

So, what do I want to do this year?

Well, I'd love to have another great year with writing. I learned a lot about revising and editing last year. Writing second drafts has really built my confidence as a writer. I'm finally pretty consistently proud of the work I'm doing. A lot of the time, revising has flowed exceptionally well, probably because I spent so very much time building a good base. But certain parts also had their difficulties. More than I expected. In that way, it's been both easier and harder than I expected it would be. That's why I'm hesitant to set any large goals this year. I think there's a good chance I could finish Magic Inc.'s second draft this year. But I'd also like to spend more of my time on Dreaming in Shadow. Then, there's Miss Masquerade. I don't think there's any chance I won't finish the first draft. And I'm excited to get started on the second draft. As for Spun of Silver and The Town of Raindrops, they are more side projects right now. But who knows? I just want to follow the flow of my inspiration wherever it takes me.

I want to get myself on a pretty regular sleeping schedule that lets me have the optimum amount of rest and time to get things done. For me, that's getting up at 8:30AM, getting my early morning stuff done by 10:30AM, leaving the rest of the day open, until 9:00PM when I relax in the living room with my Mom, then get to bed by 11:30PM. Yeah, I like to sleep 9 hours. It's what I usually need.

And once I get myself comfortably back on that schedule, I'll start trying to fit in more exercise with that extra time.

I'm definitely planning to get another bookshelf and cabinet in my room this year. I'm going to get the rest of the stuff off of my floor and binned. Hopefully, soon. (But like I said, I can't push it.) And we'll see what happens after that.

I'll try to read at least 12 books this year. Haha.

I'm still looking for more balance when it comes to friendships. I met a few new people. I occasionally connected with old friends. I think there were some improvements over 2012. But there were also times, I felt like giving up on socializing altogether. Ultimately, I'm still looking for my tribe.

As a big part of that, I'll (of course) keep calling in my soulmate. Because finding him will always be my most important goal. Until I do. Then, it will be creating a beautiful life together where we can support each other's dreams.

I want to wish you many blessings in the year to come. I hope you meet your goals and thoroughly enjoy the journey there, too.
fireflys_locket: (Tink Cries - peaces_icons)
Things have gotten really bad. For a long time now, I've been stuggling through - time and time again - when I post something sad on Facebook, everyone tries to fix me or talk me out of it. The pressure has been colossal. Meanwhile, I've been screaming for someone to give me the support I need. I have Jill and my Mom, but I don't have friends who have the time for me. There aren't many people who even find the time to answer my messages. And moreover, they mostly don't understand what I'm going through.

It was for this reason that Jill mentioned at the end of my session trying to create an online group for what she was calling "eeyore"-type people. Just the idea of being in charge of a group and trying to search out people to join was enough to make me sick. I mentioned my stress in a status, which resulted in a friend trying to talk me into making the group. I tried to tell her I couldn't handle it and that I didn't even want it. I just wanted someone to talk to one-on-one. But she wouldn't stop until she got frustrated with me for rejecting her ideas. But I was never asking for help in the first place. I rarely am. Mostly, I just post stuff in a status to get out what I'm feeling. Asking only for someone to listen.

Finally, I had to write up the post of been thinking about for months:

"Okay, I want to say first of all that this is not coming from an angry or mean place. Please don’t read it that way. This is coming from a place of desperation from needing support, but not getting the support that’s right for me. I know that people are trying to help me by making suggestions, and they get frustrated when I reject their ideas. But here are some things about me… When I need help, I’ll ask for it directly. Most of the posts I make are statements about what’s going on with me at the time. I’m not asking for someone to fix things. I’m asking for someone to listen. Maybe offer a distraction as opposed to a fix. Also, when I say something like “I can’t” or “I don’t want to”, I mean it. Honestly. I know a lot of people say things like that, wanting someone to talk them into it. That’s not me. I’m a direct person. I say what I feel, and I mean what I say. That’s how I work. When people are suggesting things that would be hard for me (especially social things), I end up visualizing it and feeling panic almost as bad as if it was actually happening. So, I feel like I have to shut down that idea absolutely, so that it will stop hurting me. I know that is not the intention, but that is how I feel. I have Panic Disorder, and I am prone to panicking. I’ve included a link my Mom found to a site talking about how to support people with Panic Disorder, and I relate to a lot of what is being said. Maybe taking a look will help you understand a little better."

After I posted that, my friend sent me a message on how she was angry that I would ask her to treat me differently. That my sickness was in my head, and it was my fault I was so miserable. But that's not true. Emotional pain is real, as real as any disease. And there's nothing wrong with asking for what you need, whether you have an emotional disorder or not. Any person who is trying to get someone to stop pushing them should be respected. I'm not asking for anything but caring and respect.

I'm very sick. I feel like I'm alone and always will be. Right now, I feel like Morgan can't exist because he's too good to be true. No one can give me that kind of love and understanding and actually be there for me. I can't even find a friend to do that, so how can I find someone like that who'd actually want me romantically? I just need that person so badly. One day, Jill will retire, and my Mom will be gone. And I will be hopelessly alone. I can't make it through that.
fireflys_locket: (Lovely Reflection - amethystia)

I read a lot of inspiring words on Care 2. They talking about lots of important things, like animal rights, being vegetarian (or vegan), gay rights, and just being true to yourself. (There are a few things that they tend to support, which I disagree with. Particularly abortion-related articles, as I'm very Pro-Life. But usually, I find lots of support and love from their articles.)

Today, I was catching up on the newsletters and found this post, asking people to write a list of their needs and desires. A lot of times, I read articles and appreciate them, but I don't go out and make a list or whatever. This time, I guess I felt that I wanted to. So, here's my list of deepest desires and needs, sort of in a logical order. Probably not surprising in the least.

Find my soulmate, Morgan.
Get engaged.
Become healthier.
Finish Dreaming in Shadow.
Type/edit DiS.
Find a reliable artist that meets my needs.
Self-publish DiS.
Figure out how to market books.
Find my own home (with Morgan).
Get married.
Have a home full of pets and love.
Have a lovely garden.
Meet Audry in person.
Meet Vivi in person.
Be able to spend more time with friends in general.
Finish Miss Masquerade.
Help Morgan with his dreams.
Actually make some money from writing!
Eventually make enough money to really help support us.
Make enough money to donate regularly.
Finally finish Spun of Silver with Mal.
Continue writing and publishing for the rest of my life.
Move people with my writing, and gain some dedicated fans.
Meet Jo Rowling to thank her.
Happily grow old with Morgan.

So, that is my list that I worked on for about 20 minutes. I'm sure there are more things I would love to have in my life, but these are my base desires. At least the ones I feel I can directly influence. So, write your own list if you want! It certainly made me feel good (for now).


Recoveries

Apr. 13th, 2011 04:53 pm
fireflys_locket: (Clare Close Glow - retropd_icons)
I wrote all day. I guess I must be feeling better. Oh, you didn't know I was sick. Well, that's okay. I started feeling sick shortly after writing my last entry. I'm not sure where I got it, but I've got a cold again. And it's hard to breathe. My Mom had to ask a pharmacist what I would be allowed to take with my other medication the next day. It was pretty awful the first night. I didn't get to sleep until after 2. I hadn't seen 2 AM in months. I didn't really miss it. :/

Anyways, the next night, traumatized from one bad night of sleep, I started having a panic attack the second my head hit the pillow. It was pretty intense, but my Mom had just gone to sleep, and I didn't want to bother the company. So, I took 2 Klonopin, knowing it would knock me out, and called my Dad. He's always said I could call anytime, and it wasn't even midnight. He's been really supportive lately. We talked until I started drooping.

I'm definitely still sick, but I'm feeling so much better today. Claritin really works to help you breathe. And good sleep makes all the difference. I won't be surprised if I have another bad day or two, since that's what usually happens, but maybe my Dad and I really will start work on cleaning Grandma's house on Saturday.

While watching My Body is a Cage last night, I got an idea for a short fic I just had to write. It's kind of sad, but hopefully, it reflects what will happen in the last two episodes of the season. Or hopefully not - depending.

Oh, my goodness. I've been listening to this song all day. It worked quite well for writing Recovery, but it fits Dreaming in Shadow perfectly!
fireflys_locket: (Hachi Fangirl - fireflys_locket)
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I absolutely go back to my favorite things. I've read the Harry Potter books at least 3 times; the first 3 probably 10 or more times. Just in theaters, I've watched all the Harry Potter movies at least 4 times, most 7 or more. I saw Peter Pan in theaters 10 times, at least 3 times since then. I've seen A Walk to Remember and Titanic probably at least 5 times, even though I sob every time I watch. Genius I've watched countless times after heartbreaks and bad days. I watched my favorite Disney movies over and over when I was young. I'm surprised my Lion King VHS still plays. Though I expect that's common for kids.

Even some of my newer favorite movies, like The Girl Who Leapt Through Time and Lost and Delirious, I watched my favorite parts over and over for a week or so, enjoying my new obsessions. HeH.
 
Also, though the question is just talking about books and movies, I've played Kingdom Hearts probably 4 full times, many other partial times. I've played Final Fantasy X twice. I'm not sure how many times I played Super Mario RPG, but I'd say at least 5. I really need to finish 2nd playthroughs of Shadow Hearts and Covenant. And I've watched and read NANA tons of times! I've seen every episode of Degrassi at least twice. I also listen to my favorite podcasts over and over again.

Basically, there are no limits on re-enjoying things I love. But of course, you do want to make sure you give new things a chance. You never know when I new favorite may arise! For instance, today I read the first volume of Mars, and I'm totally in love. I'm so happy to find something new to obsess over. Especially to try and get me through the coughing fit end of this cold! Basically, it's been tea and tissues and Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep for the last 7 days. I'm definitely feeling better, but the coughing has been disrupting my sleeping the last few days, and I can get really messed up over loss of sleep.
fireflys_locket: (Kagome Stupid Weather - fireflys_locket)

Still sick. *Sighs* It's certainly not the worst cold I've had in my life, but I still don't really feel like doing anything. I spent most of yesterday listening to podcasts and playing games on Neopets and Facebook. Really productive. :/ When my Mom got home, I watched the Sorcerer's Apprentice with her and Joe. I didn't enjoy it as much the second time around. I blame the cold. The night I first started feeling sick, Mom and I watched Penelope. I enjoyed that fine the second time, but I wasn't as sick then.

I'm starting to feel more and more depressed. It's not a big deal, really. I feel like I'm complaining too much for this little cold, but it's hard for me to distract myself when I don't feel up to doing anything. It's a cycle. And every night I'm getting more anxious about sleeping. I woke up last night for maybe a half an hour with my throat feeling awful. Thinking about that is probably not going to help me get to sleep tonight, either.

Grandma called, so I was listening to her talk while I type. My throat hurts too much to say much, so we didn't talk long. *Sighs*

I wish I felt well enough to write. I've got lots of wandering thoughts about stories, but no ambition to actually write.

I think I need some cheering up. Let's see how Sims 2 will weather against my cold.

 


fireflys_locket: (Nana Side Eye - fireflys_locket)
I'm sick. Just a cold, I think. I probably caught it from my Dad, who was coughing all over the place when he took me to Deathly Hallows Part 1 on Friday. It's funny that it should happen after to seeing my Dad for the first time in nearly 6 months. ~_~; Of all the luck.

So, now, stuck with a sore throat and stuffy nose, I don't feel like doing much of anything. But I finally got through the book I was reading...

Spoilers for Spindle's End by Robin McKinley )

I'd still like to get some writing done this week, but it's not looking promising at this point. I wish I still had Netflix, so I could lie around in bed watching SVU or something. :( Ugh, I know it's just a cold, but I can get emotionally upset so easily with colds. Especially if it starts to mess with my sleep. Let's hope that doesn't happen.

I'd like to get better by this weekend, too. I have Christmas shopping that needs doing.
fireflys_locket: (Lovely Reflection - amethystia)
The main trauma from the food issues is hopefully nearing its end. My cupboard and fridge areas are full of  mostly organic, totally vegetarian food. Thank you, Mommy! <3 She's been so supportive of me through this. Even Joe has been. Such a surprise! Anyways, so far, healthier is feeling pretty good. I still have a lot of new things to try, but I'm more excited than worried.

Also, I'm not sure was possessed me to do this, but I made a new community. A community meant for the future... possibly far in the future. But I wanted the name. So, [livejournal.com profile] the_timeline stands for discussion of my books. Haha. Oh, it's so funny. Why did I do that? Well, the name is mine, now. I'm happy about that. And creating it on Halloween makes it special. ^_^
fireflys_locket: (Kagome Stupid Weather - fireflys_locket)
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I definitely believe in Global Warming. And I think it's sad that lots of people don't recycle when it's so easy to do. :/ Even in my own home, my Mom and I have to work against the tide (aka Joe) to get any kind of recycling done. I swear he is just against it to drive me crazy. He tears up papers and cardboard boxes... and then throws them it the trash. We have a bag in the closet maybe 10 feet away for recycling! It's not that hard to do. He even yelled at me when I tried to dump the paper from the shredder into the recycling bag instead of the trash. Ugh. Now, I just do it when he's not around.

Meanwhile, I can't say I'm doing every thing I could. I know I should switch drinking bottled water for a filter and aluminum bottles. They are even supposed to be better for your health, but I can't seem to get it together and switch. It's made more difficult by the fact that I have to fight against Joe for anything I want to do. I just don't have the energy for such a big project right now. At least, I recycle the plastic bottles, right? That's better than most people. *Sighs*
fireflys_locket: (Older Hachi Lavender - fireflys_locket)

I find it ironic that every year during Nickelodeon's Worldwide Day of Play thing that is supposed to get kids outside to excercise and such, it always rains here. Always. I would have gone for a walk or something too. 

I have to say I appreciate the effort, though. They shut the whole channel off for a few hours every year. That's dedication to the cause.

Meanwhile, I'm going to continue being a bad example by staying in and watching Giant Bomb's Endurance Run. Hey, it's rainy, okay?

fireflys_locket: (Nobu/Hachi Could Be - fireflys_locket)

It's been a pretty crazy Summer for me. I honestly can't wait for it to be over. I've had tons of company, was so sick that I missed my birthday, Joe's been tearing apart the bathroom causing lots of problems, I had to redo all sorts of story stuff. Yeah, I'm tired of it all. My "normal" isn't exactly great, but lately I've been begging for it. 

If you couldn't tell from my recent memes (or didn't read them), things hit a pretty bad low a few weeks ago, because...

Girly stuff under cut... )


I'll try to post something more cheerful next time. ~_~;

fireflys_locket: (Dancing Baby Jeff - fireflys_locket)

So, I got really sick. Yes, it was just a cold, but... it totally knocked me over. I had to cancel my little birthday party and everything. ~_~; I couldn't sleep, much like the cold I had last July. So, it was just miserable.

The ironic thing was, when I was finally starting to get better, it was time for E3. (Which if you don't know, I'm always glued to the coverage of.) That's the same thing that happened last time around. o.o; So I was watching my press conferences with a box of tissues again. Ah, well... at least both times I was on the recovering side.

The Microsoft press conference was first. I showed my Mom The Beatles Rock Band video they showed at the start of it, and she liked it so much that she downloaded it off of YouTube. HeH. I of course, enjoyed the Final Fantasy 13 demo they showed, though I'm probably getting it for the PS3, sorry, Microsoft. I think the Project Natal stuff has the potiental to be cool too. (Though I would never want to play all games in that fashion.) And I really want to be friends with Milo. Yes, I'm lonely... so what?

Last week really was a crazy week, because The Sims 3 was released as well. I only barely had time to get the game and install it on Tuesday before the conferences started up again. Nintendo was first. Showing New Super Mario Bros. for Wii right off the bat. Which I thought was a very good idea. It inspired me to finally finish up the DS version. HeH. Super Mario Galaxy 2 was also announced. Yoshi! <3 Which is cool... still haven't even started the first one, though. ~_~; Oops. I will, though! Soon... I hope.

And Sony was the last of "The Big Three" as they like to say. And there was a Final Fantasy 13 trailer. Then, the first announcement of Final Fantasy 14. People gasped... including me. And then, I thought... oh, wait... it's online isn't it? And right I was. How sad. Don't charge to play, and I'll totally buy the game, Square-Enix. Otherwise, forget it. Yours Sadly, Valerie.

They also talked about the PSP Go, which I personally think is too small and smashed together, but that's just me. Plus, I like having physical copies of my stuff. That's just how I am. They showed their next step in motion control. I'm starting to think Heavy Rain looks cool. Maybe too dark for me. Hmmm. I don't know. :/ Also LittleBigPlanet for PSP. <3

Here's a great look at each of the days if you want more: Pre-Show (Day 0), Day 1, Day 2, Day 3. Yes, I do love you, Giant Bomb.

Sooo, there you are. *Fingers die* I am still hoping to post more often, honestly. I just keep getting thrown off by this or that.

Coming soon (I hope):
The Sims 3-ness (I have finally played it.)
Rule of Rose-ness. *Shivers* (I... bought it.)
fireflys_locket: (Default)

It's quite silly how flustered all this has made me. But see, it gave me a brilliant idea. My Dad gave me this pretty ring with flowers on it. Perhaps if I stare at it and sigh, Seth will think I have a boyfriend. Childish? Yes. But if it worked... Oh, what sweet revenge would that be!

Meanwhile, I'm out of Gym Class. My knees have been bothering me for almost a month, and I have no idea why. So, I'm getting an x-ray later today. Just the thought of it freaks me out, though I don't know why. But at least for now, I don't have to run around the school until I pass out.

But the oddest thing is I can't seem to write. I just sit at Lunch with my notebook open and ready... and nothing comes. Am I having a huge case of writer's block or is it more than that?

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