fireflys_locket: (Valerie's Happiness - fireflys_locket)
The last few years, I've written up long resolutions/intentions for the year. I don't think I'm going to do that this year. That doesn't mean there aren't things I want to accomplish this year. There are plenty of things I'd love to do. I've even done a pretty fair job at accomplishing last year's goals.

I finished my big cleaning project by the end of May. (Which was exhausting and made me reevaluate my goals for the rest of the year.) I might not have had as epic of a writing year as 2013, but I certainly put a lot of effort into it, getting Magic Inc. revisions 3/4 of the way through and finally pulling Dreaming in Shadow through some successful revisions as well. Another year passed without seeing the end of Miss Masquerade's first draft, but I really have only one chapter left. I read way more in one year than I ever had before. I even put some major effort into exercising, though that was completely derailed by my yearly breakdown and still hasn't gotten back on track.

The truth is... I want the same things every year. The specifics may shift; this story over that story and such. But the core of what I want is the same. Writing, friendship, health. And Morgan. Always Morgan. Finding my soulmate and getting to live a happy, passionate, and safe life with him is always what I want the most. And I've gotten signs from the Universe over the years that finding him is somehow tied with writing, possibly even completing a story. Sometimes that motivates me and other times it crushes me with pressure. Still, I figure if I keep following the guidance I get along with my own intuition I'll find my way to him. I have to. It's too important that it happens. It's everything to me.

But I have to stay away from pressure, because it breaks me. I have to be free to breathe and follow my truth and guidance. So, this year... I don't know if I'll complete the second drafts of Magic Inc. Book One and/or Dreaming in Shadow. I don't know if I'll have something ready to publish. I don't know if I'll be able to get a focus back on health. Or find the better balanced friendships I'm always craving. I don't even know if I'll meet Morgan (yet). But I'm going to focus on the core of those things. And try to believe everything, including me, is as it should be... and on the way to becoming even better.
fireflys_locket: (Namine Sad - warplanes)
I've fallen into another summer depressive state. Usually, this happens near the beginning around my birthday because that prompts the examining of the past and thinking about the future. This time, it was a different catalyst, but the results were the same. I feel totally cut off and unimportant to the world. That, although some things have changed, I'm still basically in the same situation as nine years ago when I first left school. The way I normally feel has certainly improved some from those first few years. But I'm still never happy. I'm still really alone. I haven't had anything good enough happen in my life to even begin to balance all of the pain I've been through. And I know there are people who have been through way worse. Things I wouldn't have survived. But knowing that did nothing to prevent the pain and the panic and the isolation I felt. That I still feel, even if I now try to push it aside as much as I can.

Besides my Mom and Jill (my therapist), I don't have any support most of the time. My friends have all moved on with their lives. They have other friendships and relationships and jobs, even kids. I not only miss them; I feel jealous. They have a place in the world. And I don't. I feel totally useless. Even with writing, I'm still so far from anything being ready to be published and put out there. And there's no guarantee that anyone will connect to my stories or even read them. I've been trying so hard to focus on getting writing done and even taking somewhat better care of myself, but if I can still fall into feeling this bad... is there really a point to trying?

Sorry if this is a depressing read. But what good is a journal if you only write about the good stuff? I'm all about honesty, especially when it comes to expressing how you really feel. So, here it is. This is where I'm at.

Hopefully, it won't be for long...
fireflys_locket: (Valerie's Happiness - fireflys_locket)
It's a new year, and I'm actually pretty excited about that. It's freeing to put away the complications of a long year and start fresh again. I felt pretty good at the beginning of last year, too. But this year might feel even better. Maybe there was just more I wanted to let go of. Truthfully, you can start fresh at any time, but this is a really powerful time to try.

I wrote out a post about what I wanted for 2013, and I decided to look back at it now and think about how the year went.

I've said this before, but I think 2013 was by far my best year when it comes to writing. I finished two first drafts in the first three months of the year. It was an emotional, bittersweet experience. For a while it was mostly painful, but I can look back with pride. (I put everything I have into writing first drafts, so it's definitely worth something at the end.) I spent most of the rest of the year working on the second drafts, resulting in about 15 nearly ideal chapters of fiction. In October, I took a little break from revision to start a new story. I also finished the first draft of my half of Spun of Silver, and got started on its second draft. And got very, very close to finishing the first draft of Miss Masquerade.

And almost all of that work was done without putting pressure on myself to constantly be getting stuff done. I didn't make sure I had something to show Jill every week. I chose to follow what I felt most called to work on at that moment... whether that was writing, revising, outlining, building houses, making Sims, sorting music (which sometimes leads to amazing new ideas), or even just relaxing and taking in inspiration. And it led to my most productive year ever.

I also did a lot of organizing in 2013. I didn't completely finish clearing a space for a new bookshelf and DVD cabinet, but I put a slow, consistent effort into sorting through stuff. I get really anxious when it comes to empty spaces in my room and letting go of possessions, so there was really no way to get this done more quickly. And I'm proud of myself for just getting this far. It may not seem like a big deal from the outside, but inside, it's a huge deal, trust me.

There were some things I didn't do so well with, though...

Health-wise, 2013 was a total flop. Well, I didn't get super sick or anything like that, which I'm quite thankful for. But I probably put the least amount of effort into eating healthy and exercising since I first started thinking about that stuff. If I'm honest about it, it's been a continual downward slide since my Grandma died in 2011. I don't know exactly why, but it's something I've noticed. And I don't really feel comfortable talking about weight and exercising, which maybe isn't helping. I do know that - like it or not - I am a very low energy person, and I have to be careful with where I put that energy. Last year, I chose writing. A lot. And I'm not exactly sorry about that. But I would like to put a bit more energy into health matters this year. If I could even just shift out of this downward slide a tiny bit, that would be great.

Another thing that suffered was reading. I only read 11 books in 2013. That's not even one per month. I've always been a slow reader, but this is pretty bad. Still, I actually know exactly what went wrong here. I spent most of the year reading books I felt like I needed to read over what I really wanted to read at the moment. I had books to review, books from writer friends, and books from writer acquaintances. That's not to say I didn't enjoy those books. I definitely did! (Well, except that book I reviewed. That, I could have skipped.) But I constantly had another book next on the list, instead of just following the flow of what was really calling me. Having everything scheduled is very draining to me. I like to have important necessities planned out, but when it comes to the rest of my time, I like randomness paired with intuition. There was a point where I wasn't even enjoying reading anymore, because I had turned reading into work. That's when I finally followed my intuition and took a break from my list to read some books I was really excited to read. I think I would have enjoyed the other books I read last year more if I had spaced them out better from the beginning. Lesson learned, I hope.

So, what do I want to do this year?

Well, I'd love to have another great year with writing. I learned a lot about revising and editing last year. Writing second drafts has really built my confidence as a writer. I'm finally pretty consistently proud of the work I'm doing. A lot of the time, revising has flowed exceptionally well, probably because I spent so very much time building a good base. But certain parts also had their difficulties. More than I expected. In that way, it's been both easier and harder than I expected it would be. That's why I'm hesitant to set any large goals this year. I think there's a good chance I could finish Magic Inc.'s second draft this year. But I'd also like to spend more of my time on Dreaming in Shadow. Then, there's Miss Masquerade. I don't think there's any chance I won't finish the first draft. And I'm excited to get started on the second draft. As for Spun of Silver and The Town of Raindrops, they are more side projects right now. But who knows? I just want to follow the flow of my inspiration wherever it takes me.

I want to get myself on a pretty regular sleeping schedule that lets me have the optimum amount of rest and time to get things done. For me, that's getting up at 8:30AM, getting my early morning stuff done by 10:30AM, leaving the rest of the day open, until 9:00PM when I relax in the living room with my Mom, then get to bed by 11:30PM. Yeah, I like to sleep 9 hours. It's what I usually need.

And once I get myself comfortably back on that schedule, I'll start trying to fit in more exercise with that extra time.

I'm definitely planning to get another bookshelf and cabinet in my room this year. I'm going to get the rest of the stuff off of my floor and binned. Hopefully, soon. (But like I said, I can't push it.) And we'll see what happens after that.

I'll try to read at least 12 books this year. Haha.

I'm still looking for more balance when it comes to friendships. I met a few new people. I occasionally connected with old friends. I think there were some improvements over 2012. But there were also times, I felt like giving up on socializing altogether. Ultimately, I'm still looking for my tribe.

As a big part of that, I'll (of course) keep calling in my soulmate. Because finding him will always be my most important goal. Until I do. Then, it will be creating a beautiful life together where we can support each other's dreams.

I want to wish you many blessings in the year to come. I hope you meet your goals and thoroughly enjoy the journey there, too.
fireflys_locket: (Kagome Hands - fireflys_locket)
Okay, deep breath. I was triggered really badly this past week. Looking back at the post, that did it, I can see that it was more of a build up of emotion than just a reaction to that one post. (But I think that's how a lot of triggers work.) It didn't help that Jill was out of the office last week. Sunday just left me feeling so miserable that I was scared. I felt like the mostly decent mood I'd kept up for a month was finally failing me, and I was crashing down to the ground. I had a couple of really bad days. Then, I started to realize something. I'd fallen back into this mode of stressing about writing and not letting myself rest without guilting myself about it. I had given myself a lot of pressure to get a lot of writing done while Jill was gone, and I did, but I ended up drained and easily triggered. Of course, I'm always easily triggered, but when your energy is low, it is hard to bounce back.

The other part was the writing I had done (and hadn't done). I decided to avoid writing the big climax of Dreaming in Shadow in favor of writing the hardest chapter of Spun of Silver. It may be the hardest chapter I'll ever have to write, on a personal level. In fact, I almost guarantee it. But I had decided to lay everything bare in this story. To make this version of me, the real me with my real issues. And I didn't want to gloss over things. If you're expecting an typical paranormal romance from my side of Spun of Silver, look somewhere else. I have high anxiety, body issues, and people issues. I've written myself as I am and Morgan as how I imagine him to be. Neither of us are your typical love interests. But there is love, and there is romance. And intensity. And passion. And that's going to have to be enough for you.

Anyhow, writing that chapter was such an emotional challenge for me. And not everyone I turned to understood. But some did, and I made it through. But I was still very drained.

The other thing I wrote over this time period was a very long chapter of Magic Inc., where Jane tells Jenny a fairytale. Parts of this fairytale have been around almost as long as Magic Inc., itself, but I had to strip away the parts, that weren't mine. After all, I had blended in a lot of stories into my secret world back then. At that time, I was creating it just for me, with no intention of ever writing it out. The fairytale flowed very well most of the way through, with some help from Ally recommending that I start watching Once Upon a Time. (She didn't even know I was working on a fairytale; it was just perfect timing.) So, I tried to busy myself with the fairytale to escape the emotions, that Spun of Silver had brought up in me. I won't exactly say I regret this, because I adore the fairytale, and I'm very proud of all the work I put into it. But instead of giving myself a rest after writing that difficult Spun of Silver chapter, I jumped right into the fairytale the very same day.

All of this mostly to escape the fact, that I was terrified to finishing Dreaming in Shadow. What was worse, was that I was ashamed of this feeling in the first place. I felt like I'd come so far from that place of being scared, and now, I was moving backward. But life doesn't always move forward in this straight line. It reminds me of the second episode of The Wonder Years, where Older Kevin says something about life being a series of advances and retreats. This is very much what I believe, but sometimes, we all get caught up in trying to push forward too quickly.

So, for a good week or so, I was really beating myself up about it. When being scared does actually make sense. I'm three chapters away from the end of the story that has stood by my side since before I left school. Three chapters away from ending my first novel. That's scary stuff. Sure, I need to be able to work through that fear and, eventually, come out on the other side with a finished novel, but avoiding acknowledging a fear doesn't make it go away. Avoiding feeling your feelings makes them worse in the long run. So, I'm scared. That's okay; this is important enough to work through. But it's also okay to work through it slowly. I was getting caught up in this idea of possibly finishing those 3 chapters in two weeks, when that is totally not how I work.

So, now, I'm trying to breathe. To rest, to feel. And just be okay with all of that. Today, I finished up the fairytale, which is the second to last chapter of Magic inc. Book One. When I posted that on Facebook, Audry said I was an inspiration. I immediately react to most compliments by brushing them aside. It's hard for me to feel good about myself, ever. But I am living my dream and being myself completely. And you know, those are always good things, even if it's me doing them. Yeah, that's the closest I get to giving myself a compliment. We're all works-in-progress, after all.
fireflys_locket: (Sparkling Lake (Valerie) - amillionicons)
I am a slow mover. Compared to a lot of people, I change very, very slowly. And actually, I like that about myself. I'm a constant. I'm reliable. Even when I do make a change, it's usually just growing to accept a part of me that was always meant to be that way. It makes sense.

Still, there are some changes I want to make this coming year. It's around the time to think about resolutions, and though you can make changes at any time, there is something, that feels sort of special about it. So, I thought I'd talk about my ideas for next year.

I'll barely make mention of finding my soulmate, because pretty much anyone, who knows me at all, will know that's the most important thing to me. But I also feel I need to make some more friends or at least rekindle some old friendships. I'm extremely lonely, and though I have friends I love, they are always so busy. Both of these hopes for the future really come down to finding relationships with a better balance. To be really important in someone's life. Important enough, that they will make our relationship a priority in their life. But there's only so much I can do about that right now. Basically, just be open to it and pray for it. I can't make people love me. So, let's move onto some things I have more direct influence on...

This year, I talked about ending the first draft of Dreaming in Shadow by the end of the year. That hasn't happened, though it's awfully close. I could still make it happen; I don't doubt that. But I'm not someone who needs to push themselves to prove a point. Times I've tried, I ended up with regrets. When it comes to writing, I usually hate whatever I write when I'm under pressure. I don't want to hate the end of Dreaming in Shadow! It's too important, and I'm nervous enough about other people hating it. So, I might not "succeed" in the traditional sense of meeting a goal, but I certainly put a lot of effort into it. That's good enough.

For next year, I want to actually finish the first drafts of Dreaming in Shadow and Magic Inc. Book One early on and get solidly into the second drafts of both stories by the end of the year. It also would be nice to finish up the first drafts of Miss Masquerade and Spun of Silver by the end of next year as well. That's a lot of work to be done! Again, I'm not going to give myself too much pressure. This is one of those goals I'm going to put effort into, but I'm not going to make any huge changes in how I'm going about it. The exact goals are not as important as the idea, that I just want continue to progress.

There is one goal, which requires an actual change. I'm probably not willing to make as much of a change concerning this issue as people would recommend, but I'm making a compromise I know I can actually live with. I talk a lot about my issues in this journal, but I don't think I've touched on this one very much. I'm basically a mini-hoarder. Well, not in the sense of like having old pizza boxes or 40 cats or anything that self-destructive. I have a lot of interests, and I like buying things. This results in a lot of stuff. I'm not going to stop buying things, because I never spend more money than I have, and I need to constantly be able to have just the right thing to inspire me at just the right time. I've already started to release some things that no longer serve me, like books I know I'll never read again. And it feels good to make donations, but I still have a lot of stuff.

I think it's not the amount of stuff so much as´╗┐ what I do with it. I've used my stuff kind of as a nest to keep me safe. It's something that I've done since I was little, and it does need to change. I like a little organized chaos, but I've been feeling things are getting out of hand, even for me. I have pile of stuff basically as wide, long, and high as my bed. Things have been bad like this for a long time, but I've come into a place in the last year of getting more money than I'm used to on a regular basis, and more than ever before, I am not able to sort through the incoming stuff even a quarter as fast as it is accumulating. I know, it's a curse of abundance. But I'm also running out of places to put the things I'm keeping. My bookcase is getting stuffed, and even after removing my CDs and putting them on their own shelf in the basement, my cabinet won't take long to fill again. I need more shelves and cabinets for storing things, but that pile needs to get out of there first, because there is literally no place to put any more furniture in here.

So, next year, I am going to get a bunch of huge plastic bins and finally sort through everything in that pile. I expect this to be a hard job, both physically and, even more so, emotionally. But this is something that needs to happen in my life, and it needs to happen soon. I've already spent a lot of time going through old toys and such in the basement, and I need to get that job done first, but I think it's been preparing me for this job. Maybe I'll document the process a little. And hey, I'll probably find some really cool stuff at the bottom of the pile. Or just really silly stuff like my long lost Aaron Carter CDs. Yeah...

And there's one other big thing I want to do next year. I want to work a little more exercise into my regular schedule. I really don't feel comfortable talking about dieting or exercise or anything that involves my body - it's a Social Anxiety thing - but I do want to make that change in my life.

Now, to distract you from that last paragraph, I want to share these videos with you about making changes from Gabby Bernstein. She was there to inspire me during the switch of 2011 to 2012, and now, she's doing the same thing this time around. The reason I'm making this post is that she says it's helpful to write out your goals and share them with others to get support. I hope she inspires you, too, if there are changes you want to make for the new year. Share those with me, if you feel like it!

Just in general, I really would love it for people to respond to my entries. (I know they've been sparse lately. Apologies.) Even if you're usually pretty quiet, always feel free to talk to me about anything. I am honestly one of the nicer people you'll ever meet. My therapist has been telling me I might need to actually invite people like me to come out of lurk mode, and it finally seems like the right time to start.

I love you all!
fireflys_locket: (Dance Suprise (Clare) - degrassijunk)
Okay, deep breath. Things are going better, much better than last week. The drama from last week faded, and I got a ton of writing done, due in part to some lovely fic inspirations. I wrote 3 whole chapters of Magic Inc., one of which was 9 pages long, and a little selection from the future. I don't know why I seem to have some really good weeks, then some really bad weeks, when it comes to writing, but I'm just going to go with it. I'll write when I feel it pulling me, and I won't when it's not. That's just how I seem to work now. (Somebody remind me of this next time I start moping about a couple of poor writing weeks...)

I even went with a friend for lunch and a movie on Friday. I really wanted to see The Perks of Being a Wallflower, but it's still not anywhere near here, sadly. We saw Hotel Transylvania instead. It was cute, and it had a bit of a soulmate theme to it, which I always love! I just want to find my zing. *Sighs* Please, don't make me wait until I'm 118!

But back to writing... I'm sure I've mentioned that Dreaming in Shadow is to be my first published novel. Well, that's what I always thought, anyway. When I came up with the idea for the story at the end of 2003, I was certain of it. But now, nearly 9 years have passed, and Magic Inc. has become my main writing passion. In a way, this is a good thing. Not that long ago, I was scared out of my mind about finishing Dreaming in Shadow. Now, I'm excited about it. (Mostly.) And Magic Inc. has at least 10 books, just in the main story. What I'm writing now is just the beginning, and it will be a very, very long time before I have to worry about it ending.

But see, there's a part of me that worries if I let Magic Inc. Book One be my first novel instead of Dreaming in Shadow, I will be letting my 14-year-old self, whom I promised DiS to, down. Though in a way, it will be validating my poor dear 9-year-old self. (And in some ways, I like her better. I made a lot of my worst mistakes at 14. But that's a story for another time...) But really, it isn't a contest... or a race. Both books will get finished eventually. One will be the first, and the other will have the benefit of more experience. Though it's likely they'll both be finished around the same time. And who knows, maybe Miss Masquerade will sneak up on both of them? Okay, I doubt that one, but still... all three are quite on the right track, so things are - and will be - as they should be.
fireflys_locket: (Tink Cries - peaces_icons)
Things have gotten really bad. For a long time now, I've been stuggling through - time and time again - when I post something sad on Facebook, everyone tries to fix me or talk me out of it. The pressure has been colossal. Meanwhile, I've been screaming for someone to give me the support I need. I have Jill and my Mom, but I don't have friends who have the time for me. There aren't many people who even find the time to answer my messages. And moreover, they mostly don't understand what I'm going through.

It was for this reason that Jill mentioned at the end of my session trying to create an online group for what she was calling "eeyore"-type people. Just the idea of being in charge of a group and trying to search out people to join was enough to make me sick. I mentioned my stress in a status, which resulted in a friend trying to talk me into making the group. I tried to tell her I couldn't handle it and that I didn't even want it. I just wanted someone to talk to one-on-one. But she wouldn't stop until she got frustrated with me for rejecting her ideas. But I was never asking for help in the first place. I rarely am. Mostly, I just post stuff in a status to get out what I'm feeling. Asking only for someone to listen.

Finally, I had to write up the post of been thinking about for months:

"Okay, I want to say first of all that this is not coming from an angry or mean place. Please don’t read it that way. This is coming from a place of desperation from needing support, but not getting the support that’s right for me. I know that people are trying to help me by making suggestions, and they get frustrated when I reject their ideas. But here are some things about me… When I need help, I’ll ask for it directly. Most of the posts I make are statements about what’s going on with me at the time. I’m not asking for someone to fix things. I’m asking for someone to listen. Maybe offer a distraction as opposed to a fix. Also, when I say something like “I can’t” or “I don’t want to”, I mean it. Honestly. I know a lot of people say things like that, wanting someone to talk them into it. That’s not me. I’m a direct person. I say what I feel, and I mean what I say. That’s how I work. When people are suggesting things that would be hard for me (especially social things), I end up visualizing it and feeling panic almost as bad as if it was actually happening. So, I feel like I have to shut down that idea absolutely, so that it will stop hurting me. I know that is not the intention, but that is how I feel. I have Panic Disorder, and I am prone to panicking. I’ve included a link my Mom found to a site talking about how to support people with Panic Disorder, and I relate to a lot of what is being said. Maybe taking a look will help you understand a little better."

After I posted that, my friend sent me a message on how she was angry that I would ask her to treat me differently. That my sickness was in my head, and it was my fault I was so miserable. But that's not true. Emotional pain is real, as real as any disease. And there's nothing wrong with asking for what you need, whether you have an emotional disorder or not. Any person who is trying to get someone to stop pushing them should be respected. I'm not asking for anything but caring and respect.

I'm very sick. I feel like I'm alone and always will be. Right now, I feel like Morgan can't exist because he's too good to be true. No one can give me that kind of love and understanding and actually be there for me. I can't even find a friend to do that, so how can I find someone like that who'd actually want me romantically? I just need that person so badly. One day, Jill will retire, and my Mom will be gone. And I will be hopelessly alone. I can't make it through that.
fireflys_locket: (Valerie - amillionicons)
One of my friends - who has written a great Sims story, by the way - [ profile] medleymisty, wrote out these questions. I haven't answered questions like this in some time. I love these things. But I won't promise my answers will be that interesting. I guess we'll see!

1. What's your favorite book, and why?

I'll admit that I'm not terribly well-read. Especially for a writer. I've read shamefully few classics in my couple of high school years. I always say that the only college class I would probably benefit from is one dedicated to studying classic literature, because I can't seem to make myself read them on my own.

I like Young Adult books. They may not be as technically well-written as Adult Fiction (though that's up for debate), but they often have, in my opinion, a lot more heart. When I read, I want to feel exactly what the character is feeling, more than I want to see what they are seeing. But if you're able to balance them both, that makes for a great book, indeed.

I change my very favorite book here and there, but my favorite book series is always Harry Potter. Jo Rowling is able to do just what I said: help us both feel and see. She has a vast world of characters and history. As someone creating a world just as big, I admire that. Plenty of Fantasy Fiction does great with world-building, but not all of them have as much heart as the Harry Potter books. That's what makes them special.

2. What's your favorite song, and why?

My favorite song changes even more than my favorite book. But there are a few songs I call on when I need to heal or cry. Might seem like a contradiction, but crying can be healing, sometimes. Anyhow, probably my favorite song would be Anna Nalick's In My Head, because she talks about pretending her soulmate is there with her, and that's what gets her through. And that's pretty much the core of my life. If I didn't let myself pretend to be with him, I wouldn't be able to make it through. Sounds kind of crazy, probably.

A close second would be Owl City's Vanilla Twilight. It's almost the male version of In My Head. Or at least, that's how I see it.

3. If you could eat anything ever, what would you eat?

Oreo cream pie. Honestly, anything with oreos is my weakness.

4. How did you come by your current beliefs?

I think I finally figured out most of what I truly believed in by writing it. Like when I made it that every character in my world had a soulmate, I realized that I believed that was true of our world, too. But I think I always knew what was true for me, even when I was little. Just years of growing up in Catholic School, trying to be the perfect Catholic, might have made me proclaim things I didn't really believe in. Just to note, I do believe in a God, but he isn't as unaccepting as the one I "grew up with".

5. If you had a spaceship, what would you name it?

Firefly! That both is and isn't a reference to the TV show. Basically, I would have named it that even if I hadn't seen the show, which I only watched for the first time a couple of years ago. But now, I do see it as a Firefly ship.

6. If you could turn into a small round thing and go up someone's nose and into their brain and see what it was like to be them, whose nose would you go up?

Oh, I would get way too queasy just thinking about seeing the inside of somebody's body. But if I had to choose someone, I guess I would go into Morgan. At least that would mean I knew where he was!

7. What is your personal definition of humility?

This is a really good question. As[ profile] medleymisty mentions in her post, it can be used to mean self-deprecating. And as someone, who struggles with self-esteem in a pretty extreme way, I can't say that sounds like a good thing. I think what it should mean is knowing your place in the world. Knowing that you're here for a reason, but also that you're connected to the whole world. Respecting that, in general, you're not more important than any other person. That everyone has a place in this world.

8. Pick up the book nearest you. Turn to page 87. What's the first full sentence?

Oh, how unfortunate...This page 87 just has a section title: Rogerson. It's from Sarah Dessen's Dreamland, which I haven't read yet, but I adore a couple of her other books, and this one came quite recommended. This will probably be what I start after I finish Mag Cabot's Insatiable, which is what I'm reading right now. But I have so many good sounding books here to read. <3

9. Do you have heroes? If so, who are they and why are they your hero(es)?

My personal hero is probably my Grandma. She had so much love in her. There were things we disagreed on, but mostly, I admired her strength of love and faith.

When it comes to writing and creating stories, Jo Rowling and Ai Yazawa are my heros. They've inspired me so much. I couldn't thank them enough.

10. Are you attached to your username as part of your identity, or do you have different usernames all over the internet?

Oh, this username means so much to me. If you don't know the history, I once typed it up here. I was getting a little irritated that people kept assuming I used the word firefly because of the Owl City song, when I actually came up with it a good 7-8 years beforehand. Not that I don't adore that song. I mean, if any celebrity were Morgan, it would be Adam Young. <3 And now, I should stop talking, because I'm embarrassing myself. :/

11. What do you think makes for a good healthy friendship?

Sometimes, I'm not sure if any of my friendships are that healthy. Usually, either my friends barely have any time for me, or I end up sucking the life out of them, because I'm so needy and depressing. On the other hand, I would do anything I could for my friends, but at times, I end up feeling like all I ever do is give. It doesn't make me want to give any less, but it does make me feel lonely.

I guess a healthy friendship would be where two people, with love and respect, supported each other, while not compromising their own well-being. But like I said, I'm not sure I know how to do that. I both give and need with such passion, that I think I would need someone, who could match that intensity. That's kind of where Morgan comes in. I need someone, who could be my best friend as well as my lover. Someone, who could handle all my passion. Haha.
fireflys_locket: (Time Past - indilime)
Turns out, I was just ready to work on Hate You, Hate Me. It flowed really well, just like last year. I finished the chapter and sent it to Audry. She was able to read it that night. So, everything really worked out. I'm not sure when the chapter will be edited, so I don't know when it will be up. But I am really excited and proud of myself, because I started out this chapter with very little confidence.

I am kind of hoping to get some of my readers back. This will be the first totally new chapter since 2005, and it should send out an alert on to people, who subscribed to the story, when it goes up. I used to have plenty of people interested in the story, but I don't know how many of them would still be. It would be nice to get some new people reading as well, but I also feel like it's weird to try to convince people to get invested in a story that only gets updated once or twice a year. Is that really fair? If people know that, would they find it hard to connect at all?

Well, after getting writing done earlier in the week, I kind of took it easy. I did want my extra day to be special, but all I ended up with were extra frustrations. Oh, well... that happens. I did enjoy getting my order from Pacifica. It's so nice to find an affordable vegan company. I can order whatever I want from them and not have to worry. I'm already considering buying a third perfume from them soon. I love the two scents I bought so far.

Oh, and I absolutely must share that Mallory started using DeviantArt. She used to draw so many beautiful pictures for my old fanfiction. I especially want to share her picture of my character, Water. It is one of my favorites. Now, she does a lot of photography, which is also very lovely. But I do hope she'll add in more drawings as well!

I'm actually in a good mood today. I feel energized and excited. I wonder how long that will last. Haha.
fireflys_locket: (Pillow for Morgan - lovestruckicons)

I'm watching the christmas concerts again. God, I feel sick. It's this weakness that I remember. Aching for people to care about me. Things haven't changed much. I do have friends now... but sometimes, it's hard to remember that. They have lives. Busy, real lives. I'm lucky to be even the smallest part of them. But that's really all I have. Am I really supposed to be happy with that?

I always wanted a real best friend. Someone, who'd always be there for you. Someone you'd do everything with. Share secrets with. Put each other first. Many of my closest friends have called me their "best friend". And maybe that's really what they felt. I know my friends love me. It isn't that I don't feel that. I guess I just don't feel loved enough. I don't feel like any of my friends could love me enough. It isn't their fault.

But that's why I need Morgan. Maybe you think it's foolish to wait on a prince to save you? That you should learn to save yourself. After all these years of protecting myself, I think I would have learned how to save myself if I could. I expect a lot out of Morgan, yes. Because I can give a lot. All I am asking for is one person in the whole wide world of 7 billion people, who can love me as deeply and completely as I love them. One person, who understands what I stand for and is more than willing to stand beside me. My soulmate. My twin flame. My everything. And I want to save him, too. To be the one person, who understands him better than anyone else. Who's always been waiting for him. Who loves him endlessly... no matter what he looks like, where he comes from, or how much money he has.

I'm willing to wait forever for this wonderful, amazing love. But oh, Dear God... please, don't make me.

And I won't pretend it will be effortless and easy. No, I know that, with me, everything will be difficult. If I didn't know that before, writing the last couple of Spun of Silver chapters has surely shown me. Even when I imagine Morgan, knowing it is him, I still find it hard to trust him. After all the years of being called ugly, disgusting, and other terrible, worse things by the guys that I loved with all my heart, not to mention the rest of my peers, how could I ever believe that someone would actually want to be with me. Me... with all my terrible physical flaws and emotional issues. How could anyone see this person and want her? And even if they did, how could I ever believe that?

fireflys_locket: (Bittersweet Memories - _lisichka_)
I was definitely severely bullied when I was young. Most of my grade was against me at all times. I was constantly in the nurse's office with a stomach ache, begging to go home in First and Second Grade. By Third, I'd learned how to gain fake friends by having the cool lunch and giving it away and bringing the cool toys for recess. But no one actually cared about me. Fourth Grade, carried on the same.

Then, in Fifth Grade, things really exploded. I admitted to having feelings for a boy (while being cornered in the girl's bathroom). That's where things really changed. You might not believe that basically every day for the rest of the school year I was tormented about it. But the far worse thing was the way he was treated. Because obviously, to be loved by me was a curse. A boy, who'd always been nice to me, turned into someone, who hated me with a passion. And I still won't blame him for that.

The next time I fell in love, I kept it quiet under the assumption that I still loved the former boy. I'd learned a lesson. But don't imagine this was my prince charming. No, I'd fallen for an even more hurtful and hateful person. But I could see the pain he was in, and I wanted to save him... no matter what it took.

I didn't really have friends at school until Seventh Grade. But that friendship wasn't a particularly safe environment for a long time. Even as much as I love her and trust her now, at that time, she was key in making me hurt. Sometimes, in ways that couldn't have been helped. Other times, because she judged me harshly in front of everyone.

I couldn't imagine living past Eighth Grade graduation. By then, the boy I'd loved had figured it out.... just as the rest of the class. I spent the second half of Eighth Grade crying most of the school day. Eventually, people had put things together. My best friend was dating the one I really loved. Strangely, even former tormentors seemed to feel bad for me. But my Love delighted in tormenting me, himself. After all those years of me seeming - even to myself - unbothered by his calling me ugly (because I knew it was true) or how much I was in love with his best friend, he knew he had power over me now. And he used it viciously.

After all that, High School was mostly calm. I made more real friends. People to share my stories with. While my one friend still had occasional outbursts against me, there was only one real incident like those in grade school. And afterword, I actually recieved notes from people, who felt bad for me, and actual apology notes from those invovled. It seemed that everyone had finally started to grow up.

But over the couple of years I lived "peacefully" in High School, something was bubbling up inside of me. I had crippling migraine headaches and an anxiety I just couldn't shake. And out of nowhere, I was having severe panic attacks - which I didn't know by name, so I deemed them "crashing". I thought I was completely broken. I was crying all day during school, even though no one was bothering me anymore.

And so, I eventually had to leave...

Though now, six and a half years later, in a life that I spend mostly alone, my biggest bully... is me. Caught in the echoes of the past, I'm always degrading myself. I will never be pretty or talented or smart. And anyone, who says differently, will get a rejection. I can't take compliments. I'm used to criticism; I usually agree with it. It's the opposite that I fear. Because if I trust in a compliment, that means the person can turn it around and hurt me with that trust. So, I don't - I can't trust people. Not in that way.

So, maybe you think bullying isn't a big deal? I'm certainly one of the more extreme cases. At least of those, who can still tell the story. And well, don't think I didn't come close to not being able to. Several times. But my point is this: even after all the years that bullying has been gone from my life, the effects are still with me. They haunt my young adult life. They live in me, and no matter how much I try to love myself and befriend my darkness, they will always be around. I can't work. I don't socialize. I stay home. I wish that I could find that one person, who can understand me and love me endlessly. But I'm just alone. And all I can do is dream.
fireflys_locket: (Lovely Reflection - amethystia)

I read a lot of inspiring words on Care 2. They talking about lots of important things, like animal rights, being vegetarian (or vegan), gay rights, and just being true to yourself. (There are a few things that they tend to support, which I disagree with. Particularly abortion-related articles, as I'm very Pro-Life. But usually, I find lots of support and love from their articles.)

Today, I was catching up on the newsletters and found this post, asking people to write a list of their needs and desires. A lot of times, I read articles and appreciate them, but I don't go out and make a list or whatever. This time, I guess I felt that I wanted to. So, here's my list of deepest desires and needs, sort of in a logical order. Probably not surprising in the least.

Find my soulmate, Morgan.
Get engaged.
Become healthier.
Finish Dreaming in Shadow.
Type/edit DiS.
Find a reliable artist that meets my needs.
Self-publish DiS.
Figure out how to market books.
Find my own home (with Morgan).
Get married.
Have a home full of pets and love.
Have a lovely garden.
Meet Audry in person.
Meet Vivi in person.
Be able to spend more time with friends in general.
Finish Miss Masquerade.
Help Morgan with his dreams.
Actually make some money from writing!
Eventually make enough money to really help support us.
Make enough money to donate regularly.
Finally finish Spun of Silver with Mal.
Continue writing and publishing for the rest of my life.
Move people with my writing, and gain some dedicated fans.
Meet Jo Rowling to thank her.
Happily grow old with Morgan.

So, that is my list that I worked on for about 20 minutes. I'm sure there are more things I would love to have in my life, but these are my base desires. At least the ones I feel I can directly influence. So, write your own list if you want! It certainly made me feel good (for now).

fireflys_locket: (Time Past - indilime)
Six years and one month ago, I wrote and posted chapter 11 of Hate You, Hate Me. I wrote it while I was in pain over a fight I had. A fight with Christen. :/ Even though I rewrote chapter 11 last month, when I still just thought Christen was busy with school, the similarity in which this chapter has been posted is eerie to me. But hey, here it is. Maybe I can finally move past my bottle of perfume now. Probably not. I just hope things can still turn around somehow.

Grandma is still in the hospital. She is eating normal food now, even though she's still sick. Things are very... tense right now. The whole family knows it's time to get Grandma out of her old, two-story house. But she's lived there almost her entire life. She grew up there. She raised her children there. She helped raise a grandchild (me) there. I know she would have been happy to die there. But none of us are ready for that to happen, so we need to get her out.

I actually still love that house, too. I'm sad about all this. My childhood memories are there. But as much as I love the house, I love my Grandma more. I just hope that this ordeal won't be too hard on her. That house has been her world for more than 80 years.

Jan has some ambitious ideas about how to use Grandma's house when she's moved out. She's been wanting to start a community flower garden in the empty lot next door for awhile now. And now, she's wondering if she can do something flower related with the old store. I think they are wonderful ideas. But before that has a chance to happen, we have a lot of work to do. *Sighs*
fireflys_locket: (Broken Heart Glasses - fireflys_locket)
...but my heart is breaking.

My Grandma is in the hospital. It isn't anything major, but I'm really scared. She's never been in the hospital since I've been alive. My Grandma is like a second mother to me. I lived with her until I was 9. She used to play Barbies with me while Mom was as work. She's always just a call away when I needed her. And now, I'm just worried.

My Mom is spening nearly all of her time there, and Jan is rushing home to help out. I went to the hospital today. I can't stand hospitals... or elevators, but I went for awhile. I hope I didn't just bring her down by being quiet and depressed.

Because something else is bothering me...

I found out that Christen had a baby without me even knowing. I hadn't heard from Christen for months and months. Hadn't seen her since May. But I always thought she was just busy... like she always seemed to be. And I tried not to bother her too much. But then, I saw a picture of her with a baby on Facebook... the part of her Facebook I can still see. And things started adding up. I was in total shock.

See, she went with her best friends to take the test. She left me out of probably the most important event of her life, and it makes me doubt everything I believe in. I would have done anything for Christen... there was a time I probably would have died for her. There was a time she really was the center of my world. I thought she was my Friendship Soulmate. She was my Nana, and I was her Hachi. I thought we were destined to be friends. And I'm sure we were, but... not in the way I thought. The way I wanted. I don't have anyone like that.

And truthfully, I really wanted to be there for her. To help her. To be important in her life. I want to tell her, "I miss you. I love you. And I'm here whenever you need me." I want to offer to babysit. To do anything. Even my Mom said we could babysit. But I'm scared it's too late for that. She just hurt me so much, and I was already so upset about my Grandma. So I said too much to accuse her. Maybe we'll never be what we were - or what I thought we were - again.

Someone I love is miserable... and there's nothing I can do.

The only saving grace lately is that Mandy, the dog I petsit sometimes, has been here through this. She's so loving and caring... and I don't know what I would have done without her the full night Mom and Joe spent at the hospital.


Jan. 16th, 2011 08:08 pm
fireflys_locket: (Hachi Pink - fireflys_locket)
I've been writing a lot of journal entries lately, haven't I? I guess I've had a lot to say. Strange. Being depressed makes me wordy, apparently. That makes sense, actually. I guess this wave of depression started with those dreams on Thursday. I feel too deeply, and it always causes me pain. I'm feeling very alone and depressed. Truthfully, I know some things that can usually pull me out of a depression. But I sometimes, I choose things that I know will make me hurt more. Sometimes, I just need to let it out. My mom worries. She says anything that makes me depressed is bad. It doesn't exactly work like that, though.

I'm watching more NANA today. I'm starting to really get used to the English voice actors and enjoy their performances. The only one I'm still a little sour on is Nana. But only a little. Anyways, my heart is breaking open anew watching Hachi's pain. I miss my Nana. I miss all my friends. I feel like I'm not really apart of anything anymore. Nothing really depends on me. No one calls me to ask for advice or just to listen. I'm a good listener. But I just wonder... is there really any place where I could belong?

When I do talk to my friends, usually a Facebook message here or there, they say they miss me. But their lives are so busy and nothing ever comes of it. Sierra's really the only one who can find time to see me when she's home. I appreciate her so much for that. But when she's away at school, I go months and months without seeing anyone but my family. Sometimes, I don't even see my Dad for many months. My other close friend that I actually talk to... well, things can be complicated with him. And it's not like I actually see him.

I do appreciate what I have. Or I try to, at least. But I still wonder if it really matters that I'm around.

I really hope this entry doesn't scare anyone. I'll be fine. Well, as close as I get to fine. If I'm not feeling better by tomorrow night, I'll just watch the Best of the Endurance Run until I cheer up. But sometimes, I just need to feel for awhile. It's part of who I am.
fireflys_locket: (1 2 3 Misfits! (nekoshoujo223))
I actually wrote some fanfiction yesterday. Rewrote the rest of HYHM Chapter 10 that I started in Februray. It was a combination of influences. I wanted to cheer up Audry, and Emily had been disappointed in my lack of fanfiction writing recently. I'm sure she would have rathered a chapter of Lily and the Coral Orb... but that would be a lot more effort. ^_^; Besides, Audry loves HYHM. It's how we met. <3

I'm still working on the medicine thing. And I hit a little sad spot since Emily's been gone because I already miss her. I hope she's having a great time with her other friend, though. ^_^ And I know I'm recovering in general because I've written twice in the last 7 days. Things are getting better. Slowly.

Degrassi-wise... I'm not crazy about this set of episodes so far. I'm not all that fond of Alli lately, and I really dislike anything that gives K.C. and Jenna more screen time. Ick. And I'm not crazy about Sav/Holly J. either. Didn't Sav just call Anya the "love of his life" when he finally stood up to his parents? Why isn't he fighting to get her back? Anyways, I find Conner and his online girl-friend the most interesting thing so far in these episodes. Yes, seriously. I want them to meet.

I am very excited for the second set of episodes for this week, though. I can't wait to finally have some Adam-centric episodes. That might be part of what's got me down about the current set. I'm just looking forward to Adam's story so much more. I totally love the Adam-Eli-Clare trio concept. <3 YaY, Misfits!
fireflys_locket: (Soul is Burning - _lisichka_)

I have so much to do today. I need to do laundry and vacuum and such. And Joe's home. ~_~; So I'll have to deal with him and his cleaning while I try to do mine.

But the reason for all this is a good one: Emily is coming to stay for two nights starting tomorrow. ^_^ And she's bringing her puppy! <3 

I'm hoping it will be a great time, especially because I don't know when I'll get to see her again. Emily is good at jumping around to different things, always finding something fun to do. That's good for me... who can never decide what to do. And I welcome such a distraction right now, as I slowly adjust to more medicine.

There will probably be an abundance of Sims, Degrassi, and Super Smash Bros. Brawl over the next few days. And I have no problem with that! I just need to get all my work done first. :/

fireflys_locket: (Fortune Teller Clare - fireflys_locket)

Yesterday, my Grandma asked me if I noticed an improvement in my mood on Friday after my doctor increased my dose. No. Saturday? No. Today (Sunday)? No. She seemed concerned. In the end, I'm probably going to have to take more after a couple weeks. I'm still not at the recommended level, but the doctor is taking it very slowly with me because I have a history of bad reactions. Time is dragging on, though. And I still feel closer to falling back into the abyss of despair than getting back to my, as Jill called it, "normal level of depression". HeH. ^_^;

As for fandom distractions, I'm still watching Degrassi. I'm very excited for the Clare stuff that's coming up for tonight, but I don't know if I'm crazy about the sort of weekly storylines the show seems to be presenting in its new format. I like it to be a little more mixed up. Of course, if this week is going to be all about Clare and K.C. (Even separately, as it seems), I think I'll be totally fine with that. I'm just a little tired of hearing about the Sav/Anya lie (though I still love them... mostly). Fiona I've come to love, as expected, but my Mother not so much. She doesn't like this format either. It probably is partly because we end up watching each episode at least twice. ^_^;

Meanwhile, my big earlier in the day distraction remains World of Warcraft. My Mother and I stopped in the mall briefly on Saturday, and... I gave in. I bought the game. $20 for it and a free month. I don't know how long I'll stick with it, because I will never have much money. But for now, it's worth it... probably. I hit a bit of regret while I was installing it, which seemed to take forever. But that was worsened by my sadness of finishing up Deathly Hallows for my last book club meeting with Sierra for this summer on Tuesday.

I also went to the movies on Friday with Tiffany and saw The Sorcerer's Apprentice, which I ended up really loving. I thought it would be decent, but I really quite enjoyed it. And I think Tiffany did, too. I don't like going out very much, but right now, I've enjoyed the distractions. Nothing seems worse than being alone and not having enough distractions. Guaranteed panic attack.

As for writing, there's still been none. Okay, I tried a paragraph of SoS, but it didn't really work well. But I have made myself work more on the technical stuff, which is both painful and fullfilling. I mapped out some important story stuff from "1985" to "2028"... sort of. Those years aren't really important, because it's like another history, but it does help to keep track of where things intersect. making sure everything works is something I've let slide for som time now. I used to have another system, but it had a major flaw, so I just quit for awhile, not able to deal with it. So, in some ways, there has been progress.

Well, that's enough rambling...

fireflys_locket: (Believe Yuna - fireflys_locket)

Lately, I've been going on a little GiantBomb chat. My new friend, Symphony, invited me. <3 I haven't been talking much... I'm still me, after all. But it's nice to feel somewhat part of something. Even if just barely...

Anyways, last night, Symphony was talking about Dissidia: Final Fantasy (a fighting game with Final Fantasy characters in it), and how it would be better with more characters in it. They only put in one 'hero" and one 'villain" from each of the main (aka numbered) games. I don't know much about the game, having only watched the Quick Look, but looking at the list of characters, I'd have to agree. She was saying there should at least be two playable protagonists and antagonists from each game. For instance, they have Tidus from Final Fantasy X , when she believed that Yuna was just as much of a main character.

And then, it hit me. Final Fantasy X really is Yuna's story. It's Yuna's story through Tidus' eyes. And though I didn't realize it, the game may have inspired me in that way. In the Timeline, I have a set of 10 stories which are focusing on the current group of elemental princesses/priestesses through the eyes of their respective protectors. There's a father, a brother, a neighbor, and so on... though most of them are love interests. But though the stories are told from the first-person POV of the male characters, they are really about the female characters, and the different sorts of relationships the princess and her protector can have.

So, I just thought I'd share a little insight (Haha.) on a different way to tell a story.

fireflys_locket: (Come Home SoS - soporifical)

Writing has been going extremely well lately. So well, that I'm a little baffled. I mean how did I go from an average of 1-2 pages a week to 10 last week? o.O;

Honestly, it's not like I'm usually at a loss for inspiration. Anything but that. It's motivation to actually write things out that I'm usually lacking in. When I was in school, I was writing every free second. Since I left (close to 5 years now!), I usually have to really force myself to write anything. Not these pass two weeks. Actually, even before that, I've been steadily writing little scenes from lots of stories I haven't officially started yet. This was a practice I used to hate. In fact, I still kind of hate it. I blame my OCDness. I do not like writing out of order. At all.

I've been putting a lot of effort into Spun of Silver, which is a story I'm writing with Mallory. It actually has us in it. And it has Morgan. <3 I've only only ever written one chapter for it. And Mallory as well. But she's worked on the first chapter over the years. I don't think I had touched my chapter since I left school. I really haven't ever drastically changed my style, but I've found in the lastest rewriting of Dreaming in Shadow that I can more easily think of less cliche ways of expressing things.

It's just really weird to actually enjoy the writing process again. I remember a couple of years ago, probably around the time I first started Miss Masquerade and trying to do a weekly bit of writing for Jill, when I got a little taste of that. And in writing Dreaming in Shadow early on in this revision, I remembered how much I missed Jodi and Jeremy as characters. I'm not sure how long this enjoyment will last. I'm trying not to push myself too much, because I don't want to break the process that is actually working.

I think a lot of the motivation is coming from two things... one is Mallory's enjoyment of when I write SoS. The other, I think, goes to some of the random bits from other stories, as well. Because what I've been writing the most are stories about Morgan. And it's been comforting. When in comes to Spun of Silver, anyways. The other story... well, there's a reason I haven't started it yet. Mostly because I'm really scared. It's been my alternative to reality for almost 12 years. It's been my safe place. And for a long time, that's all it was. It wasn't meant to be a story. It was what I wanted my life to be. When I really start writing it, I'm kind of scared I'll lose it. But well, that's a few months away...

Anyways, writing is working for now, so I'm just going to try to enjoy it. Maybe it will stick around for awhile.


fireflys_locket: (Default)

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