fireflys_locket: (Fangirl Hachi - fireflys_locket)
I feel like I should be blogging about books more (and just blogging more in general). I read quite a lot now. The last few years, I've been reading about 30 books per year. This year, there's a chance I might hit 40. That's nothing compared to some of the most voracious readers out there, but it certainly isn't nothing. I've been trying to find some book vlogger/bloggers to follow, and in the process, stumbled upon this tag. Obviously it's way past mid-year, but I wasn't able to find a similar end-of-year tag yet, and I may forget to look for one once the holidays descend. Sooo, let's just pretend this is an end of year book tag, and I'll amend the questions to fit that.

1. Best book you’ve read in 2016?
Where She Went by Gayle Foreman. I really loved the first book, so I had high hopes for this one. It did not disappoint. As soon as I started reading Where She Went, I fell in love. Something about Gayle Foreman's writing style feels like it was tailored specifically for me. I can't explain exactly what about it appeals to me so much, but it's like breathing in a much needed gust of fresh air. I haven't read any of Gayle's other books, and I'm curious to see if the writing style feels the same or if it's just the way she wrote this series.

2. Best sequel you’ve read in 2016?
While Where She Went qualifies here as well, I'll say City of Glass. After years of saying I would never read Cassandra Clare (here's why), I bought her first two books at my library's book sale last year, and after being encouraged by a friend, read them. And loved them. I mean, really loved them. I then had to decide whether to buy the rest of the books, and if so, how. I tracked down used copies with the original covers and read City of Glass in January. What can I say? I love forbidden romance, and the first three Mortal Instruments books are full of it. The characters are amazing, and the lore is fascinating. Book Three added some interesting new characters to the mix and resolved one of the main plot points in the series. And the ending felt very much like it could have been the end to a trilogy. That's why I've hesitated to read the second half of the series. Book Three ends in such a nice place, and I wanted to let the characters rest. I still have my reservations about reading Cassandra Clare and occasionally feel guilty for giving into the hype. But if I judge the books by what they are, I can easily say it's my favorite series of the last two years. And someday, I'll purchase and read The Secret Country series to assuage my guilt.

3. New release you haven’t read yet, but want to?
SO MANY. But maybe, Tell Me Three Things by Julie Buxbaum. Or The Sun is Also a Star by Nicola Yoon. Or Remembrance by Meg Cabot. I started rereading The Mediator series to prepare.

4. Most anticipated release for next year?
Either Carve the Mark by Veronica Roth or Once and for All by Sarah Dessen.

5. Biggest disappointment?
I mean, I could say Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. But to be honest, I didn't expect great things from it in the first place. And yet, somehow, even going in with low expectations, I was still disappointed. Maybe even emotionally devastated by the destruction of my favorite series. So, actually, Cursed Child. Definitely Cursed Child. (Runner-up: Something, Maybe by Elizabeth Scott. I mean, it had a book blurb from Sarah Dessen; I expected it to be amazing. I found most of the characters unlikable and the circumstances even worse.)

6. Biggest surprise?
Maybe Cinder by Marissa Meyer? I'd heard a lot of praise over the series but wasn't sure tech-based Cinderella would appeal to me. I loved the writing style, the characters, and the world. And all this is just reminding me that I need to read the second book.

7. Favourite new author (debut or new to you)?
Cate Tiernan. I flew through the first three books in the Sweep series. Loved the main characters and the magic. I have the next six books now, and I'm planning to get back to this series soon.

8. Newest fictional crush?
Probably Aiden St. Delphi from The Covenant series by Jennifer L. Armentrout. Honestly, at this point, I can be hard to please when it comes to other writers' fictional love interests now that I've written my own. I'm not impressed with the way male romantic interests are always described as being out-of-this-world gorgeous. Aiden is no exception to this rule, but he has that watchful protector vibe that I love.

9. Newest favourite character?
Probably still Aiden. But also maybe Dawson Black from the Lux series also by Jennifer L. Armentrout.

10. Book that made you cry?
Basically everything makes me cry. So, it's hard to just pick one. But which books may me cry the most? Either The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger or We'll Always Have Summer by Jenny Han. For very different reasons.

11. Book that made you happy?
I guess I don't read a lot of happy books. But I read Along for the Ride by Sarah Dessen, and her books are always a treat. (Bonus: Mink Volume 1 by Megumi Tachikawa. So adorable!)
fireflys_locket: (Release Me - soporifical)
I've been missing again. Turns out, the depressive state from last entry turned into an extreme anxiety crash after a relative's long visit. I don't feel much like going into the exact triggers because talking about that stuff is what worked me up in the first place. I tried to hold it in. I tried to just move past it. It would have been nice to have a calender year without an anxiety crash or tragedy. But I couldn't do it. It had to come out. And maybe if I hadn't tried so hard to hold it in, it wouldn't have been as bad. But I'm always scared now that if let my emotions free I'll crash like this everytime. And I couldn't handle that.

As it often happens, my held-in emotions found a temporary outlet in an obsession. This time it was book. A beautiful, lovely, tragic book. It was one that stood out to me instantly when I first ran across it online. It called out to me, begging for me to buy it. So, I did. Then it settled into a spot in the stacks with my other books to be read. And stayed quiet for a couple of years. I knew I'd love it. I also knew it would hurt me. As with many things, I waited for the exact right moment. Or the exact wrong moment. But no, I can't regret any of this.

I noticed a friend was reading the book on Goodreads; that was the reminder. Then she rated it five stars. I liked the update, and added it to my To-Read list. Then we started talking about it. I finished the book I was currently reading (Harry, A History - finally!) and started Forbidden. Our company was still around at the time. I hid in my room and read. And obsessed. Every word hit against my heart, shaking the held-in emotions. It was painful and blissful at the same time. It hurt so good.

Then the company left, and I hesitated to read the last hundred or so pages. I'd known from the start that this book would be one of those beautifully sad ones. The ones I call Lovely Despair. But after the company was gone, I could feel my guard slipping down. My exhaustion was leaking through. All of the depression I'd felt through August had been amplified by incidents during the company's visit, but I had to stay stable. I had to survive. Once they were gone, I was crumbling. I finally read through to the end. And I was broken open with grief.

I sobbed. And sobbed. And all the things that had built up inside me came rushing out. I couldn't control it. I listened to a fanmix, my obsession still strong. Looked up stuff on Tumblr. Tried to make it only about the book. But it wasn't. The obsession had protected me for a while, but as it always goes, that obsession broke me open in the end. And I couldn't avoid the pain and the panic anymore.

My Mom stayed home from work. I had flashbacks of my breakdown in 2010. I felt like those times had never actually ended. That they had stretched all through these years, and I had just been living in an illusion. Panic attacks are almost the worst thing in the world because they convince you they are the worst thing in the world. That the world is ending. That you can't breathe. That you're bleeding to death. Even when you aren't.

The panic came in waves. When I started to go under, my thoughts automatically started back on the book and that grief. I guess that pain at least seemed safer than my real fears, though I always ended up back in my own pain. As part of my recovery, Jill suggested writing a piece of fanfiction for the book. I did. It helped some. I also wrote a book review. I even started a fanmix of my own.

I'm starting to feel somewhat better now, but I'm still really shaky. I'm scared something will happen, and I'll crash back down again. Panic Disorder is such that you find yourself panicking at the thought of panicking. And I have a psychiatrist appointment coming up to worry over. He sometimes makes me feel worse. Often, really.

It took weeks to recover. But here I am, trying to get back to normal. But it's hard. I find myself still obsessing over my beloved Forbidden, which has earned a place in my heart forever. But I have to be careful how long I let myself stay there. Because it's still painful. Because I'm still struggling.

An obsession can help you or it can hurt you. Or it can hurt you to help you. That's what I think this one did. This book would have made me love it and feel pain from it whenever I decided to read it. But I read it now. Why? Because I needed to be broken open. Maybe. It's hard to say that when you're still struggling, still recovering. But I think that's why. It was also helpful to have someone to talk to who had read it and loved it quite recently. Funny how I started out thinking I was reading it now to support her. It ended up being the other way around.

A Post...

Oct. 25th, 2013 05:08 pm
fireflys_locket: (Fangirl Hachi - fireflys_locket)
In which I talk briefly about dealing with anxiety (and why it's never been a better time to be a nerd) and not so briefly about things that I love.

Hey, look: I'm posting again! And it hasn't been forever. I'm pretty proud of that. I really don't know why it's been so hard to come up with things to talk about this year. I mean, I have theories, but... well, that doesn't really matter. I'm here now. I was talking about social networks with Jill last night, and I was lamenting how LiveJournal really fell out of relevance for most people. But I love this place. Maybe all that's left now is nostalgia, but I don't care. This is where I post my thoughts, still. When I have something more than a tweet's worth of a thought.
I've reluctantly accepted Twitter as a worthwhile way to get small thoughts out. I didn't want to like it, but I do now.

So, this week hasn't been much to talk about. I went to the mall to get a book last Saturday, and there was some kind of mall event going on. I was only there about 15 minutes, but I've been exhausted since then. I seriously almost turned around and left right away when I saw all the people. I was emotionally exhausted all this week. I didn't get any writing done, save for just a paragraph or two last night. That how much that kind of thing affects me. But I know I'm not the only person who goes through that. People with high anxiety have good company, I think. That makes it suck just a teeny, tiny bit less. Occasionally.

I read a good post yesterday about what we think of as flaws not always being inherently bad. Everybody just works differently. If you embrace the things that are part of you and work with them, stuff usually turn out better than if you were fighting your own nature. I find that to be pretty true for me. Some weeks just don't work out writing-wise. Stressing about it just gets me in an even worse space for writing the next week. Knowing that helps, but it can still be hard accepting a "bad" week when everything was going so well. But I try. And when I"m dealing with anxiety or the exhaustion from it, I try my best to enjoy things I can do while recovering. (More on this later...)

There's a craft show this weekend I want to go to, which is always busy. So, I might be emotionally weary all next week, too. It happens. Things will come back together, though. Although I was not happy to see snow yesterday, I am kind of ready to not go out as much (which isn't a lot, as it is, but still). To snuggle up with my writing and reading and video games and Netflix all Winter. It's a really good time to be an introvert, guys. Or a nerd, or whatever you want to call it. There's just so much stuff you can enjoy at home by yourself. Or with people you're close with, if you're lucky enough to have some. Love stuff, by the way. It's fun to love stuff.

So, what kind of stuff am I loving right now? Well, the short answer is LOTS OF STUFF!!! I'm going to give you the long answer...

While I haven't been writing this week, I have been reading. After feeling so overwhelmed most of this year with "needing" to read writing from friends and acquaintances, I switched to reading some books I've been dying to read. I finished Mockingjay a couple of weeks ago. Wednesday, I finally started The Fault in Our Stars. Yes, the third John Green book I've bought, and I'm finally reading one! (I have sooo many books to read, gah.) Why did I wait so long to read this book? I'm already totally in love with it. And I pretty much knew I would be, from all the stuff I've heard about it on Tumblr or VlogBrothers. I even ordered a signed poster, because it was just so pretty. (The story behind the poster is cool, too.) Sometimes, you just know when you're really going enjoy something. And if you're like me... sometimes, you save that thing for when you really need it. Like I did on Wednesday. So, I'm glad I waited, in the end.

While I'm on the topic of VlogBrothers, I've been watching my way through HankGames videos (with and without Hank). I particularly enjoy watching Hank and Katherine play Super Mario Brothers Wii. They are my go-to videos right now. Along with - as always - catching up on Giant Bomb videos. These two sets of videos, more than anything, have been making my weeks more enjoyable lately.

I've been watching other stuff, too. I recently watched through Samurai Champloo on Netflix. I haven't started another show or season yet, but I've thinking either the second season of Dollhouse or the third season of Being Human will be next. Meanwhile, I've been rewatching The Vision of Escaflowne on DVD. (Did I ever tell you how much I love boys with wings? Like, seriously. Sparkly vampires are great and all, but give me ghosts or angels over them any day.) And I'm watching Degrassi and The Legend of Korra on TV. Neither is particularly thrilling me this season, but the way fans have abandoned both shows kind of scares me.

I've also been playing games. I got back into Skyrim this week. Finally started the Dawnguard stuff. And I've been playing lots of The Sims 2. Both games are go-tos for de-stressing. And they work just as well as ever, thank goodness. I've been all over the place with gaming for the last month. I can't even begin to list every game I've played a bit of. But yeah, gaming is fantastic, and I love it.

I don't necessarily love times when I'm not writing as much, but that's how I get to fit some of this other stuff in. I've gotten back to organizing and (with Joe's help) hung some posters. I even made an new icon post for the first time in about two years. So, yeah. I've been enjoying my time just fine by trying to focus on good things instead of the not-so-good. It can be hard, I know. Trust me, I know. But I'm mentioning these things, because I'm really grateful that they exist and I get to enjoy them.

And I want to thank Ben and his video for inspiring me to make this very long post, that no one will read. Hehe. I like looking back at my posts every once in a while, so this is for future me, mostly. This is what I've been up to and thinking. I love you, Gina (future me). I hope you're doing well, too. (And you have Morgan, if we're lucky!)
fireflys_locket: (Fangirl Hachi - fireflys_locket)
It's been too long since I talked about fandoms on here. I took this survey from this Tumblr post. I'm not sure I have any amazing answers, but I'm going to try my best.

1. What fandom(s) did you fall into this year? Lots, but I'll list some favorites: One Tree Hill, The Hunger Games, Instant Star, Dollhouse, and Dance Academy. I'm looking forward to enjoying more of all of these this year.

2. What new internet slang did you learn? Uh... no idea.

3. What was the best movie you saw? I watched so many great movies in 2012, but I'm not sure which I'd call the best. But if you want a long list of some movies I really loved watching last year: The Last Song, Water Lilies, Foxfire, Keith, The Secret World of Arrietty, Wreck-It Ralph, The Hunger Games, Across the Universe, Sucker Punch, Black Swan, Cruel Intentions, Snow White and the Huntsmen, Beastly, and Red Riding Hood.

4. Favorite character you met this year? Peeta Mellark. <3

5. Favorite meme? I'm not sure about that.

6. What is the most nerdy item you acquired? Maybe the Signed copy of Paper Towns (which I still haven't read yet...)?

7. Favorite new food you tried this year? I don't try a lot of new foods, but this. Thank you, Sam.

8. What was the best book you read? This is so close between Catching Fire and Forbidden, but I'm going to choose Forbidden, because I adored it, and I'm hoping a great new series will follow this great book.

9. Favorite YouTube channel you subscribed to? Michelle Phan. What can I say? Her videos are so relaxing, and I love the music she uses.

10. What is your favorite memory of 2012? Meeting my (almost) step-niece, Brooklyn.

11. What are you looking forward to in 2013? Finishing at least two first drafts, and working on the second drafts of those stories. I am seriously really excited!

12. What is the GIF best expresses 2012 for you? The year in general. Most of my year. The rest of my year.
fireflys_locket: (Dance Suprise (Clare) - degrassijunk)
Okay, deep breath. Things are going better, much better than last week. The drama from last week faded, and I got a ton of writing done, due in part to some lovely fic inspirations. I wrote 3 whole chapters of Magic Inc., one of which was 9 pages long, and a little selection from the future. I don't know why I seem to have some really good weeks, then some really bad weeks, when it comes to writing, but I'm just going to go with it. I'll write when I feel it pulling me, and I won't when it's not. That's just how I seem to work now. (Somebody remind me of this next time I start moping about a couple of poor writing weeks...)

I even went with a friend for lunch and a movie on Friday. I really wanted to see The Perks of Being a Wallflower, but it's still not anywhere near here, sadly. We saw Hotel Transylvania instead. It was cute, and it had a bit of a soulmate theme to it, which I always love! I just want to find my zing. *Sighs* Please, don't make me wait until I'm 118!

But back to writing... I'm sure I've mentioned that Dreaming in Shadow is to be my first published novel. Well, that's what I always thought, anyway. When I came up with the idea for the story at the end of 2003, I was certain of it. But now, nearly 9 years have passed, and Magic Inc. has become my main writing passion. In a way, this is a good thing. Not that long ago, I was scared out of my mind about finishing Dreaming in Shadow. Now, I'm excited about it. (Mostly.) And Magic Inc. has at least 10 books, just in the main story. What I'm writing now is just the beginning, and it will be a very, very long time before I have to worry about it ending.

But see, there's a part of me that worries if I let Magic Inc. Book One be my first novel instead of Dreaming in Shadow, I will be letting my 14-year-old self, whom I promised DiS to, down. Though in a way, it will be validating my poor dear 9-year-old self. (And in some ways, I like her better. I made a lot of my worst mistakes at 14. But that's a story for another time...) But really, it isn't a contest... or a race. Both books will get finished eventually. One will be the first, and the other will have the benefit of more experience. Though it's likely they'll both be finished around the same time. And who knows, maybe Miss Masquerade will sneak up on both of them? Okay, I doubt that one, but still... all three are quite on the right track, so things are - and will be - as they should be.
fireflys_locket: (Proud Hufflepuff - cesaretech)


So, I guess I had nothing to be worried about! ^_^
fireflys_locket: (Fangirl Hachi - fireflys_locket)
I haven't been writing much. However, I have been very focused on planning. Readying myself to finish Dreaming in Shadow and Miss Masquerade. Thinking about how I'll procede with the next versions. Trying to figure out which stories I'll start next. And lots of details in stories I'm planning out. Sometimes, it's hard to feel satisified with a week of just planning... but I also know, I've been really busy up in my head, not just with writing but with other things as well. And I've certainly been busy taking in inspiration!

Yesterday, I completed Titanic: Adventure Out of Time for the 5th or 6th time. What makes this time special is that I did it for the 100th anniversary. And I managed to do what I always wanted to do - save Georgia, while still getting off the boat with all the important objects. Every guide I can remember warned against trying to save Georgia, and you get no acknowledgement at the end of the game for doing so. But like with all the effort I spend in trying to keep followers alive in The Elder Scolls games, I feel good about it. In my world, Georgia and Carlson live happily ever after in this great world of peace.

Another thing I revisited last week was Firefly. It's only my second time watching it, and no, I didn't watch it while it was actually on, sorry. But man, I love that show. Spaceships really aren't my thing, but the characters in this show are awesome. And that's what makes me love a story. I felt even more sad this time that the show ended so short. But it made me think that I really need to get into some fanfiction. I don't read much of it these days, but this show seems perfect for it. It had so much potential. I'm not really sure where to start looking, though.

I've also begun a struggle the last couple of weeks of reading A Game of Thrones. I think I've had this book for about 5 years, on recommendation from Jill. But I've been ignoring it, because I had a feeling it would frustrate me. Maybe it sounds pathetic coming from a writer, but I really don't care for Adult Fantasy. (Or most Adult Fiction, in general.) I feel like it's often too focused on world-building details, instead of how the characters are feeling. Of course, that isn't limited to Adult Fantasy, as I've seen Spindle's End in the YA section, but I think it is more common. And like that book, I really do enjoy the characters in A Game of Thrones, but they often get lost in technical details. Also, the book has twice made me sick with gory descriptions. At least with a movie, I can look away if I see it coming, then it's gone. Books don't quite work that way.

Funnily, the author - like Robin McKinley - is apparently against fanfiction. I guess that's their right, but I don't really respect creators limiting fan expression, when it can actually do a lot to help their creations to be shared with others. As long as someone isn't making money off of your work without permission or claiming it as their own, I don't see what the problem is. I'm just glad my favorite author didn't limit my creativity while I was exploring writing for the first time with her world.

And speaking of that, I joined Pottermore. It's... okay. The interface isn't particularly great. However, the new information is worth the bit of hassle! Oh, Jo Rowling. <3 She just knew we needed more now that the movies are finished. And she has so much information to give! Nothing wrong with her world-building, since you can also feel close to Harry and his emotions. That's the perfect combination, if you ask me.

So far, I've enjoyed the questions, but not the result. Dragon heartstring wand. :/ I would never use that. Next, they'll put me in Slytherin. Though I'd actually mind that less. But it just reminds me of how I'd not be able to deal with Hogwarts if it were real. Turning beetles into buttons and cutting up animal bits for Potions. Sorry, I'll pass. I'll just stay at home and write about magic.

And that's just a portion of all the fandoms I've been into the past couple of weeks! For a more updated idea of what I'm into at any time you could follow me on Tumblr. I check in almost every night.
fireflys_locket: (Hachi Bliss - fireflys_locket)
After last entry, I spent a more than a week suffering mostly from a feeling of disconnection from Morgan. It was miserable. Everytime I thought of him, it brought pain. It was like walking past a sparking electrical cord. So, I tried to not think of him. It was like we were fighting, neither one of us wanting to give in. And that is something that directly damages my ability to write. Jill and I both worried that maybe some big breakdown was approaching.

A good thing that did happen was that I really threw myself into some shows, games, and a book. And I really was loving everything I was doing. Because I was so obsessed with hiding from thoughts of Morgan, I put 100% of my energy into whatever I was doing at the time, so that my mind wouldn't wander. That lead me to be even more invested in the stories I was seeing unfold. I felt very inspired... but I couldn't write, because Morgan is my muse, and we were fighting.

Eventually, though, I could feel a slow healing begin. And Morgan and I made up. We were completely in love again. And now, I find myself writing a lot. I've written two chapters this week and worked on lots of little ideas. I feel like I can't even hold all my bursting inspiration. Yesterday, I scanned through some of my first fanfiction. The writing quality was awful, but so many of my ideas for The Timeline started there. It was magical getting caught back in that time of creative energy.

So, things have been going well. For my life, anyhow. I've continued to be really excited about just about everything I'm doing. Living in the present is the way to go, they say. And I can almost feel Morgan's presence with me. All I can hope is that we really are close to finding each other in the physical world.
fireflys_locket: (Time Past - indilime)
Turns out, I was just ready to work on Hate You, Hate Me. It flowed really well, just like last year. I finished the chapter and sent it to Audry. She was able to read it that night. So, everything really worked out. I'm not sure when the chapter will be edited, so I don't know when it will be up. But I am really excited and proud of myself, because I started out this chapter with very little confidence.

I am kind of hoping to get some of my readers back. This will be the first totally new chapter since 2005, and it should send out an alert on Fanfiction.net to people, who subscribed to the story, when it goes up. I used to have plenty of people interested in the story, but I don't know how many of them would still be. It would be nice to get some new people reading as well, but I also feel like it's weird to try to convince people to get invested in a story that only gets updated once or twice a year. Is that really fair? If people know that, would they find it hard to connect at all?

Well, after getting writing done earlier in the week, I kind of took it easy. I did want my extra day to be special, but all I ended up with were extra frustrations. Oh, well... that happens. I did enjoy getting my order from Pacifica. It's so nice to find an affordable vegan company. I can order whatever I want from them and not have to worry. I'm already considering buying a third perfume from them soon. I love the two scents I bought so far.

Oh, and I absolutely must share that Mallory started using DeviantArt. She used to draw so many beautiful pictures for my old fanfiction. I especially want to share her picture of my character, Water. It is one of my favorites. Now, she does a lot of photography, which is also very lovely. But I do hope she'll add in more drawings as well!

I'm actually in a good mood today. I feel energized and excited. I wonder how long that will last. Haha.
fireflys_locket: (Valerie's Happiness - fireflys_locket)
In the end, I love who I am. You don't hear that from many depressed people. Sure, there are things that bother me about myself. Things I want to improve. And then, there's this body, which I totally hate, and the fact that I feel stuck in it. But sometimes, I close my eyes, and I can feel Morgan near me. I feel his love from where ever he is, who ever he is.

This week, I've really felt him near me. And though the week has been another "too busy for me" week, I haven't had as much anxiety and upset as last week. Why can't it always be like this? Why can't I always feel like this? I want to be this sure all the time.

Ah, anyhow, I did have a couple of days to rest this week. The same sort of days that, when they stretch on one after the other, can make me feel useless, actually were so refreshing. I did a little reading, gaming, and watching. Just dabbled in lots of things. I even got a bit of writing done.

I still feel like I want to be writing something different, though. It makes me wonder if I actually will work on Hate You, Hate Me tomorrow. Hmm. It has been a year since the last chapter, and I even have the next chapter started. But I haven't finished a completely new chapter in 7 long years. Still, 7 is a good number in Harry Potter-verse. Maybe... well, we'll see how tired I am tomorrow. Right now, I can't seem to get enough sleep.
fireflys_locket: (Jamie Glances Over - fireflys_locket)
For some people, pushing themselves helps them to succeed. I've really never found this to be the case for me. Sure, a little pushing can yield a good result. Occasionally. But after pushing myself to write everyday in November, I came crashing down. I forced myself to write a special chapter on the night before Christmas, but other than that, I didn't get much else done in December. I was writing a lot of journal entries, but once I finished the theme I was following, I even stalled on that.

Here's what I have been doing. Yeah. I learned out how to make .gifs and just started getting crazy with it. Then, I made the very bright or very stupid decision to make some .gifs from A Walk to Remember, which is probably my favorite movie, but I never watch it, because it makes me cry so hard. I was just going to watch a few scenes... then, I was watching the whole thing. At the end, I found myself newly obsessed. And extremely depressed. But also, feeling the need to write. I watched it again the next day, made more .gifs, and put it away. Then, what happens the day after? I left ABC Family on after watching a movie, and eventually, A Walk to Remember comes on. At that point, I realized there must be some reason for this movie to be on my mind right now.

Or for me to be emotionally unstable. Because I'm also back to reading this book. I find myself able to read less and less at a time, as the couple keeps getting closer and closer. There's a part of me that wants to like them together, because they seem truly in love with each other, and I adore both of the characters. But instead, I find myself getting ill, like I was about to sleep with someone I didn't love. That's really the best way I can describe it. I have a problem, I know. :/

Last week, while dealing with all these emotions and a family upset, I ended up playing a lot of Sims 2. Like way too much. Pretty much the amount I played in the weeks back in 2005, when I first left school, and I was too depressed to do anything else. But I think by taking things slowly, with little to no pressure, I recovered. Then, Friday, I took the small bits of emotional writing I did over the couple of weeks and rewrote them in a better chapter. And I felt centered. Finally, I actually enjoyed writing again.

So, maybe I got a lot done in November, but I honestly think it was too much pressure for me. It took this long to enjoy writing again. Not to mention the emotions that had to get stirred up. But that's how it usually goes for me. If I have a writing crisis, it takes my emotions needing the release to make writing feel natural again. Because that's what it's supposed to be for me: a lovely, natural need. Like breathing.
fireflys_locket: (Hermione in Love - fireflys_locket)
So, I decided not to dress up this year. It's something I've been considering for awhile. And it isn't because I think I'm too old for Halloween. That's just silly. It's because last year, a guy rang the doorbell, and I answered it, thinking he was a kid. He didn't try to kidnap me or anything. He just tricked me into coming to the door, so he could grill me about voting. Not cool. Halloween is the only time I answered the door when I wasn't expecting someone, but he totally ruined it. Now, I know that it probably just sounds stupid to react this way, but I'm a person with extreme Social Anxiety. I can't handle this.

But after thinking about how Halloween was the only holiday I still enjoyed, I knew I had to do something special. Sims 2 photoshoots! YaY! So, maybe, I've now taken a "step backwards" into more introverted behaviour, but whatever. I'm just me, guys. I can't help it.

Anyways, my original idea - which I'm still planning to do - was to take pictures of Miss Masquerade characters wearing masks. But I was thinking about how I failed to finish a new Hate You, Hate Me chapter for Audry's birthday. And also, how I've always been jealous of authors, who have awesome banners for their fanfics. Well, I am jealous no more.

While I was making Draco and Hermione and their families, I also took some pictures just for fun. So, here's a little story for Draco/Hermione fans... or people, who can appreciate Harry Potter silliness. (But it's mostly just for Audry.)

Take a look? (Beware the silliness!) )
fireflys_locket: (Nobu/Hachi - patrypjer)
I am way too invested in this book. It's one of the two books I bought from the author I met last month. And I'm in love. I knew from the description that I would probably enjoy it, and maybe I should have expected it, but it's one of those books. Or stories, I should say. What does that mean, you wonder? Well, every once in a while, as much as I try to keep it from happening, end up finding a story where I feel too deeply alike in some way to the main heroine, and more importantly, there is a male character that fills the role of Morgan. It's a dangerous, dangerous situation for me, because it can rip my heart apart if they don't end up together. I'm talking about going into mourning, feeling like Morgan might not even exist. I am fragile and sensitive. And something I feel so invested in can really hurt me.

In other words: dangerous.

But unlike alot of other stories, the third member of the love triangle is not a total jerk. He's not a Takumi. Not a... Seth. He's a really nice guy. And I worry about him. He really needs Susie. :/ It's tough when you care so much about everyone. But of course, it makes for a better story. My hope is that somewhere in this series Duncan will find his own soulmate like Jacob in Breaking Dawn. Or maybe Evan will... And that's what scares me.

Valerie and Morgan must end up together! But of course, they aren't me and Morgan. They never will be. No one will be but us. But every once in a while, this happens, and it kills me. And no matter how I try to stop myself, it will happen again. There will be another Nobu and Hachi. K.C. and Clare. Evan and Susie. And they will always let me down...

...but don't let this end there! This is an amazing book by a self-published author. I really love it so far, and no matter what happens, I'm glad to have found it. You could definitely say I need the distraction of something that pulls me in so deeply right now. It's going to be a hard couple of weeks. I'm barely writing and feeling miserable about it. But the stress is just overpowering, and I've just gotten over my cold. *Sighs*
fireflys_locket: (Heads down (D/Hr) - phrixus_)
Yesterday, I worked a bit on Hate You, Hate Me Chapter 12. Shocker, right? It's been a long time coming. I was thinking about how unfinished this well outlined plot was, and how it would be nice to have a new chapter up for Audry's birthday. The problem was that I hadn't worked on a new chapter in over 6 years. I had to turn to my old 8th grade notebook, where I wrote a mere 3 page chapter. When I was in 8th grade.

It's horrible. I mean... wow. I haven't seriously looked at notebooks this old in a while. Yes, not so long ago, I was rewriting Dreaming in Shadow out of a Freshman Year notebook, but my writing changed in the time between 8th grade and then. I improved a lot. Hopefully, I've improved even more since then, but at least my old DiS notebooks were quite useful. Looking at this old chapter 12 is just frustrating me. Was I really that awful? Why did people bother reading my old fics like Green Flame Torch and Thyora's Tear that were written before this?

Of course, at the time, what I wrote in my notebooks were more of just a guideline for what I was going to post. I used to leave out whole scenes writing - insert blank here - often because they were big action scenes or needed music, but I was writing at school. I guess I shouldn't be so mad about these weak 3 pages of chapter 12, considered as just an outline. But I really wonder how it would have turned out if I'd typed it then.

Another thing I have to mention at this point is how much [livejournal.com profile] fluffyfledgling has helped my writing. When I started rewriting HYHM with her help, I used to rely on her to tell me which parts needed to be fleshed out, not having any idea of how to write larger chapters, especially with only one character's POV. Now, I often have trouble fitting everything I want to write in 8 to 10 pages... although, in this case, I'm talking about original stories and notebook pages, and I don't know how that translates at all.

A fear I'm facing now is worry that I've become detached from Draco. When I worked on rewriting chapter 11 earlier this year, it was easier to get back into it because I had so much emotion attached to that chapter and how drastically it changed my life. I don't have that kind of passion for this chapter. This wasn't a life changer for me, though you could say it is for Hermione. I think that's another thing I'm scared of: Hermione's miscarriage, which is half in this chapter half in the next. I have no idea what to do about this. I barely know anything about how pregnancy works, and I'm kind of squeamish, so I'm reluctant to look deeply into it. Yeah, I'll admit to that.
fireflys_locket: (Clare Cute - clarebear7)
I've been so busy this week, and for the first time in awhile, it had nothing to do with my Grandma's house. Such a relief. I did stop by there with Jan and Paul once to feed Grandma's stray cats. We saw four kittens! It was the fist time I can remember seeing such small ones all year. Jan and I also picked some sweet peas. It was nice. I know I'm going to miss the house a lot when I can't go anymore.

So, this week's busy was mostly to do with writing. I started last weekend off by working on Miss Masquerade while playing with Sapphira's family on The Sims 2. It's such a fun way to write. I started to think about some of the characters that don't have last names, since I couldn't make them as sims unless I gave them some sort of last name. So, with the help of my Mom doing some research on Italian surnames, I found a last name for Sylas. I wrote it on the notebook I keep on my desk and glanced at it over the week. Everytime I did, I still really liked it. I'll probably make him (and his brother) soon.

Tuesday, while I was doing laundry, I was thinking about book names for my Magic Inc. series. I only had titles for the first 3 books. I was also thinking about my old Harry Potter series, which had many of the same themes. (It was probably because I've been reading a HP fanfic over this month. A great read, by the way.) I thought about the parallels between the world I was making up just in my head and the fanfiction I was writing out. I realized that with a little work, I could use some of the old titles. Now, I have great titles for the first 6 books and tentative ideas for the following 2. Putting those titles into place on my timeline made me end up spending a good hour or so getting some other stories lined up. Now, I have 15 of the busiest years in place.

I also finished the Miss Masquerade chapter that I hadn't quite finished. And I was super nervous about that part. Sapphira has a dream, whose effects I had planned for ages, but I hadn't figured out what exactly was going to happen. I was almost sick about it until Thursday, when I showed Jill. She loved it. I kept asking her for opinions, since she studies dreams, but she had a hard time not just saying how much she liked it. Hehe. I still think it needs a little work - it feels quite raw, like most parts of Spun of Silver - but I do feel better about it now. Or maybe it's supposed to feel raw, considering Sapphira's reaction to it? Hmm.

Yesterday, I spent the day with my Mom, then we picked up Joe around 6PM to go see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. Believe it or not, it was only my third time. Yeah. That's insane for me. Just goes to show how busy it's been with my Grandma's house. *Sighs* Anyways, I enjoyed it so much... cried lots... but I also started getting ideas for an upcoming Miss Masquerade chapter. It's a blessing and a curse. The better - or more inspirational - the movie, the more likely I am to start feeling like I need to write or think about my own stories at some point. That's why I enjoy watching movies at home by myself best. I can pause whenever I want to for a 10 (or more) minute break. It happens all the time.

Today, I wrote about 5 pages of Dreaming in Shadow, finishing up a chapter I've been working on for a few weeks. The first half was action-oriented, which is not my favorite or best type of writing, but the second half was full of emotion. I had such a great feeling while writing, and I found some great songs to fit with it. One is a song from the newest season of Degrassi. Fits so well. Goodness, I love Degrassi music. <3

I've been totally in love with Degrassi, of course. I'm trying to not overwatch this season, though. I watched the Boiling Point episodes so many times that I'm kind of sick of them. I don't want that to happen again. I still love interactions between Clare and Eli, though I'm not sure they should get back together. I like Imogen in a character appreciation-type way. I'm not so crazy about Jake. He's sweet sometimes, but I can't see him being a long-term match for Clare. I wish there was more Adam, though I know they need to deal with older characters storylines right now. Speaking of that, I just knew they didn't bring in a pretty young teacher without plans for a student/teacher relationship. I like it so far, though I miss Sav/Anya still.
fireflys_locket: (Brave Death (HP) - princessbloomy)
In some ways, I never wanted this to come. The end of the Harry Potter era. Not that people won't adore the books and movies forever. But there won't be the same anticipation. Not ever, ever again. Unless Jo changes her mind about writing more. And I would take anything: Lily and James, Albus Severus (and Scorpius/Rose! <3), Snape, Dumbledore, the 7 books from another POV. Really, anything she felt like writing. But otherwise, I think I'll be stuck writing and reading fanfiction for the rest of my life. It can't be over. I won't let it be.

So, what to think of the last movie... This movie is strange in that nearly nothing is quite exactly the way it is supposed to be in the books, yet it still gives off the same presence due to some wonderful acting and care given to achieving the proper feel. It's as exciting and epic - but also as heart-breaking and heart-warming - as it's meant to be.

Of course, that doesn't mean there weren't issues. The thing that comes first to my head, which rubbed me wrong, probably seems silly, but I didn't like how the Slytherins were all sent to the dungeon instead of being evacuated. Are we supposed to think that every Slytherin is evil? Including all the First-Years? Snape is certainly not perfect, but he was a good Slytherin. There had had to be some others. They just weren't brave enough to fight. ^_^;

I feel like most of the smaller mistakes come down to making everything more dramatic. I didn't like how Bellatrix and Voldemort came apart in pieces. I didn't like the weird falling off the tower struggle, that has baffled me since it showed up in a trailer. I wish they had made clear at the end that it was Avada Kedavra against Expelliarmus again. I wish Harry had fixed his wand and looked at Dumbledore's portrait at the end.

But somehow, I feel pretty okay with most of the changes. They pretty much made Neville/Luna happen, which was fantastic. The author is always right, but I never bought Jo's explanation for why Neville/Luna wouldn't have worked. "...I think that Neville would always find Luna’s wilder flights of fancy alarming." Um, are we talking about the same Neville? Deathly Hallows!Neville? Because DH!Neville is pretty darn brave, don't you think? I think he could handle Luna's flights of fancy. I don't mind that he ended up with Hannah Abbott in canon, but that explanation just doesn't work for me.

I wish there had been just a few more scenes with Snape, though what we got was beautiful. I need to find icons of Severus and Lily lying in the grass... like right now. <3 My spark for wanting to write Lily has come back. We'll see how much. And 19 Years Later, was about as perfect as could be. I adored it. I only missed my, "Don't get too friendly with him, though, Rosie. Granddad Weasley would never forgive you if you married a pureblood.", just like I missed, "Keep that big bushy head down, Granger." in Goblet of Fire. But that's super nitpicky. :p

Mainly, I just really want to see the movie again. And again. And read the books again and again. And for there to be more books... someday. I wish, I wish so much. Photobucket
fireflys_locket: (Tink Cries - peaces_icons)

Fair warning: This is an extremely depressing (somewhat insane) post. If you only want to read the Harry Potter portion of this post, skip to the second set of ellipses (...). I'm not going to LJ Cut any of this, because it all fits together, but I won't blame you for skipping my crying rants.
...

It's getting harder and harder. Being at Grandma's house. Looking at the spaces where furniture used to be. This was my childhood home. My home. How can this be happening? I miss Grandma so much. I've been just pushing along, knowing we have so much work to do. But I can feel it building. The terror after the house is sold. When it all comes into view. Grandma is gone. And she isn't coming back.

I had no idea this year was coming. Not that I didn't worry about Grandma often. But to think this actually happened. I just can't handle it. Never being able to call that number again. Never having someone there, always there, to listen whenever you need her. There is no one else, who can fill her space. I have a gaping hole. Just another aching need that can't be filled.

So, you see, when things are in a good place, it's not easy for people to bring up the idea that what I want most in the world might not exist. At this point, it was a very big mistake to suggest such a thing. I'll make it clear for people, who wonder, so they won't ask. If I thought Morgan didn't exist, if I lost my belief in him, I would kill myself. I wouldn't want to live in a world like that. I'd rather go up and be with Grandma in Heaven. And if that option didn't exist, then I rather live in a delirium. I already have to often lose myself in delirium to keep myself breathing. Do you realize this? I pretend Morgan is around. I have to imagine he's holding me every night to get to sleep. I talk to him when I'm alone. Okay? I'm crazy. And I don't give a damn what anyone thinks of that. If I didn't have that, I wouldn't have made it this far. He is the reason I keep breathing.

Meanwhile, the tension in the house has been building. I had a fight with my Mother last night, which is rare. I'm still kind of angry.

So, due to those three things, I was up until after 2AM. Crying until I lost my mind and started talking to Morgan. I reached a point where I was actually quite happy... for me. Just so you know who I really am. I'm crazy.
...

Today, I'm crying again. After another bad night's sleep (at least not due Slendy obsession), I got out of bed just in time to watch the world premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. I cried a lot, off and on the whole time, but at the end they brought together, if I can remember correctly: David Heyman, David Barron, David Yates, Steve Kloves, Jo Rowling, Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, and the head of Warner Bros.. They all gave speeches, and I cried and cried. It was a beautiful end to a wonderful 10 years. More, of course, if you consider this the end of the first generation of the Harry Potter franchise as a whole, as I do. And that makes this another goodbye, that I can't handle.

I will probably link to a clip of it later, but as Jo put it, "Whether you return by page or big screen, Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home." If you love Harry Potter anywhere near as much as I do, you need to see these speeches. And you will cry. Jo cried. Emma cried. If you love Harry Potter, you will cry. I'm watching the whole premiere again right now to see these moments.
...

As I come to the end of this emotional post, I can only say I'm truly glad I have therapy tonight. I really need it.


fireflys_locket: (Soul is Burning - _lisichka_)
(Also known as: the other thing that has been bothering me.) I should have posted about this last week, but I guess there was a reason I didn't.

I had an epiphany at therapy. That's a major shock, since it doesn't happen often. You might think that's the way therapy is supposed to work, but it doesn't usually for me. My therapy is more of a stabilizer than something to make big breakthroughs in. It's like taking medication for emotional things. It might not cure you, but if you stopped taking it, you'd be totally unbalanced.

Anyways... I actually did have a big breakthrough last week. See, I hadn't been feeling like writing lately. You might think that's normal after the loss of my Grandma. And maybe it does have a bit to do with that as well. But I figured out the major problem I've been having with writing: I can never write it all.

That's right... I realized that there was no way I could write out all of my hundreds of story ideas. Even if I wrote a chapter a day for the rest of my life, I don't think I could do it. Jill says I have the opposite problem of most authors; most worry if they will even have another great idea. To me, that seems crazy. How do people live without all these ideas spinning around in their head? I mean, I totally realize that I have the better problem. It's much better to live with too many ideas than not enough. But I've been psyching myself out of writing, because if I will never finish everything... why bother? :/ How do I choose what is most important?

But that's not all. I also figured out where this whole cycle of thought started. Just... be forewarned that it may seem kind of stupid. See, Jill calls me a tuning fork. I just barely hit something, and I'm shaking like crazy. Everything affects me so strongly. Just a brief mention of certain things. Even silly things.

Like how last month, I went out to get my hair cut, and the guy, who washes my hair, told me about some rumor of the world ending. At 5:00. That day. I do not seriously buy into things like that. However, my Mom and I went a few different places afterward, and everyone was talking about it. I just got sicker and sicker. I can't handle talk like that. Even though I didn't believe the world was going to end, it got me into a negative mindset. Jill thought it was also how it had come out of nowhere. And I was out around people, too. :/

But then, the day was over... and I didn't really think about it again until last week. But it had affected me, because I started thinking if the world is going to end in a year or so, what's the point? I couldn't even finish one book and get it typed and printed in that time. There's no way. So, that's how I psyched myself out of writing the last few weeks. But I talked to Jill, figuring all this out... and I feel so much better.

Now, here's why I brought it up: I was watching Honey and Clover today, and I'm at a part where Hagu talks about having so many boxes inside of her. (For people, who don't watch the show, Hagu is an artist.) Here's a little of what she says: "There are so many things I want to do. There are an endless amount of things inside of me I want to make. They're scattered all around me. Each time I open a new box, a whole bunch of ideas jump out. I catch each one, wrestle with it, try to understand it, and swallow it whole. Then, give it and name and put it away where it belongs. Repeat that, over and over again. Just repeat it, for as long as I can. I want to open all of these boxes. But a lifetime is too short to open them all. I wish people lived to be 400 years-old. That way, I could do everything I want to do. But if I had a person to fight alongside me... if I just had someone." Wow, just wow. That's so very much how I feel.

I was told Honey and Clover was awesome. And I quite agree. It doesn't beat NANA for me, but it is speaking to the creative side in me that Hachi's character just doesn't have in her. Also, another character gave me some great lines to relate to in the previous episode: "Oh, no. I never wanted to be saved. I wanted to stay miserably in love with Takumi forever. And cry forever. And yet... and yet." That just sounds so much like how I was with Seth. (But Morgan... I do want to be saved now! <3)

HeH. I think Honey and Clover is destined to be one of my favorite anime! Thanks, [livejournal.com profile] jenthehen , for getting me started on it! <3
fireflys_locket: (Draco Focused - kelle)
...is tough.

After watching the Quick Look of L.A. Noire, I was sure I wanted to play the game. I bought it last week, but I was having trouble resetting my PSN password and didn't want to start the game in a bad mood. I think it was a good choice, too, since I'm having to do things I'm not very good at: driving and shooting. :/ Not really talents for me. If you didn't already know, I don't drive. I never even tried to learn. I have little driving knowledge more than what stoplights mean. My Mom says it's much easier to drive in real life. And I can't even do that. Imagine how I'm driving in the game...

Actually, I might be learning things about driving based on the game... that's a little scary. ^_^;

So, next are the shooting bits. I think the only shooting experience I've had is when I rented Dirge of Cerberus in 2006. Yeah. That's it. And I was horrible at that game, too. Anyways, I am actually able to take down people shooting at me. I'm learning. It's definitely not my favorite part of the game. And it makes me feel really bad when a body gets taken away in the side-quest cases, because I think if I was more skilled at shooting, it might not have gone quite so badly.  :/

I think I'm just awful at action games. There's so many controls to think about. Trying to get used to shooting and moving in and out of cover, then having to run all of the sudden is dizzying. I'm an RPG girl! I'm used to using one or two buttons to choose something on the screen. What am I doing? ~_~;

And actually, I'm not even doing that well at the detective work part of the game. I'm finding most of the clues, but I'm missing more than half of the questions. I guess I'm not good at reading people. (But that's something to mention... the people look so real. Seriously. The face animation in this game is beyond anything I've seen.) I guess I'm letting people off too easily. I usually choose Truth unless I have good evidence backing me up. Maybe I should be using Intuition more often. But I never know when to try that. I'm scared of using it up, then getting really stuck somewhere.

I'm really enjoying the game; I just feel like I'm an awful detective. :'( Some parts of the game have that spooky feel to the music and atmosphere as Titanic: Adventure Out of Time or the Nancy Drew games. But this time, I actually have a gun. It makes me feel a little braver... even if I'm really bad at shooting.

Other than playing L.A. Noire, I've been excitedly watching E3 stuff. The Nintendo Conference was saving the the most exciting for last... but Wii U?! Honestly? I didn't think they could make a more baffling name choice than Wii... but they did. I don't hate it or anything. It's just more weirdness.

As I side note, I redeemed my free PSN welcome back games. I got Little Big Planet, so I didn't have to find that disc if I ever wanted to play the original levels again. I also got inFamous... not sure if I'll do well with that game, either, but it seemed like the best choice. I guess we'll see. I also got LBP and ModNation Racers for the PSP, but I didn't realize how little space I had on my memory card. It's only 1GB to begin with.

I'm thinking about getting a 4 GB card for about $15 on Amazon. I have a card reader on my computer, so, hopefully, transferring my saves shouldn't be too hard. It does seem silly to end up paying money for free games, but I kind of wanted a portable LBP, anyways. And it's only $15. Though I actually have to wait to get it, because my Dad gambled away the $70 I loaned him. :/ No, I don't want to talk about that.
fireflys_locket: (Fangirl Hachi - fireflys_locket)
I have come to realize that I may never get myself to learn how to make fanvideos. I don't think I have the patience to even try. However, that hasn't stopped me from coming up with many, many ideas. So, here they are... anyone is welcome to them. I just want to see my ideas come to life. For some of them, I have specific scene ideas for certain parts of the song. I'll note them with * just in case you want to ask me about them.

Ideas for Degrassi, NANA, and more... )

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