fireflys_locket: (Lovely Reflection - amethystia)
I had a bit of a stressful dream last night about school and feeling left out when my high school class graduated. Now, I realize why. Today was the last day I went to school ten years ago. Yeah, ten. That's a long time. For a while, I blamed myself for not being strong enough to carry on, but I've realized that I did what I had to. The longer I put off getting help would've just meant it would take longer to get where I am today. I still can't quite say that I'm happy, but I do have hope. I have a purpose, work that feels important. I have a therapist who became my biggest encouragement in getting back in touch with that purpose. I finally found a medication that helps to stabilize me without bad side effects or a numbing out of emotions.

I've figured out a lot about myself by pulling away from the normal path, and though I certainly still have things to work on, I mostly like what I found. I know exactly who I am, and I don’t pretend to be anything else anymore. I try to love myself, even when it’s hard. I understand how I work best. I know enough about myself to decide on what's best for me, instead of what other people project as being the right/only way. I know I only have so much energy, and I try to use it wisely. If I were still striving so hard to be "normal", I wouldn't be able to focus on my writing because that would take most of my energy.

There are still things I need in my life to be truly happy. My heart is still waiting for that person to have the deepest of connections with. I struggle with loneliness for friendship as well. Sometimes, I still miss everything I lost when I left school. But in leaving, I really did find myself.

I’ll probably be sad about this for a few days. Maybe even a week. That’s just natural. I’ll find ways to cope, and I’ll move on. It’s funny, though, that this anniversary comes just on the edge of completing my first book. It’s hard to tell if releasing Magic Inc. Book One will really change my life in any big way, but there is at least that possibility that something good could come of this. I’ll try to hang onto that hope.


Jan. 15th, 2011 08:09 pm
fireflys_locket: (Nobu/Hachi Could Be - fireflys_locket)

I'm still in a gaming mood. After reading a friend's blog post, I decided to download Secret of Mana. She barely mentions it, but I'd been meaning to give that series a shot, and she mentioned it as a classic. I also played about 4-5 hours of Persona 4 yesterday. Partly because I needed a really strong distraction. Today, the distraction is NANA. Still slowly working through the English dub, which is pretty good (I love Hachi's English voice! <3). But it's not what I'm used to with a show I've watched through so many times in Japanese. (Pixel probably wouldn't like being mentioned in the same paragraph as NANA. Oops! :P)

I'm taking a little break from Oblivion, but last time I played, I spent most of my time trying to save people. I couldn't let Baurus die! It only took a couple of tries, but I hadn't thought to save right before the incident, so I had to start through the sewers again the first time. Then, after I saved him, I accidentally came out in someone's basement and was stuck. ^_^; So, I had to do it again. My heart felt good, though. I kind of like being able to make a difference.

However, my next job as a heroine was much, much harder. Saving Jeelius from the Mythic Dawn was a headache. He was running around like crazy. I could hardly keep up with him most of the time. I'd turn a corner, and there he'd be... dead. *Sighs* But he was traumatized... it made sense. And I just couldn't let him die. So, I probably spent the better part of an hour trying to get him to safety. I'd gotten to the point where I was saving once we got through each wave. Then, I just took as much of the attention as I could. And I, again, felt quite good at the end.

But it got me thinking about one of the games I got recently, Heavy Rain. I know the whole story is based around your choices, and one person can have a very different experience than another. Also, I know it's possible that your main characters can even die, probably radically changing the outcome of the story. But am I going to be able to let that happen? And if I can't... isn't going back to redo parts almost defeating the point of a game like that? I don't know what I'm going to do. I guess I'll have to think about it carefully before I start the game.


You know, I think I have a saving people thing... Even now, even still. I haven't changed that much my whole life. I mean it's not a bad thing to want to save people (or characters...), but it was a huge problem for me when I was younger. It's why I fell in love with someone like Seth. I wanted to save him. And even now, I can even fall back into that through a dream. Of course, it would happen to someone like me.

I often have dreams about Seth where we're friends. Or... something. It's rarely romantic in the slightest, but it's more than something casual. Thursday night, I had a dream where I knelt next to his desk and started crying. He thought it was weird at first, but then, it seemed like he felt sorry for me and tried to make me laugh. I felt awful all the next day. That was only one part of a string of very strong dreams I had that night. I also found a friend's soulmate and introduced them, and I had a screaming fight with my Aunt Jan.

But it was Seth that I thought about all day. I thought about weird things like when my old psychiatrist came to career day at St. Joe's and while I went up to talk to him, Seth came over, too. I can still feel my surprise that hey knew each other. And at the time I thought... I don't know, that it was a sign or something that we had seen the same person for help, even if it wasn't at the same point in our lives. But now, I still think maybe I understood him in ways most of his friends couldn't. Ways he wouldn't realize. And then, I just worry about him still. I think that's why I was crying in the dream. Because I'm worried... and even more than that, I still feel guilty for not forgiving him when I had the chance. And in the end, I still want to save him.

*Sighs* I've lost so much time this week. I've been trying so hard to make up for the time I lost sitting in a waiting room for an hour on Tuesday, then today I slept in way too long. :/ Maybe, I tired myself out from all the effort of getting things back on track. Maybe I wanted to dream about Seth again. Dreams are just so strong for me, and it's the only way I can feel close to most of the people I care about.


ETA: I don't want to leave on such a low note, so here's a picture of me in my Whiskey Media shirt I received today! <3 I still hate that Ryan is throwing up (gross!), but hey, that's what I'd be doing on a real rollercoaster. And the shirt is really nice, otherwise; the material is super soft. ^_^

fireflys_locket: (Tear Light - fireflys_locket)
I had a dream last night that is now a brand new story. It's very sad. I just wrote a little of a scene, and I actually cried while writing it. That the first time I've done that. (I should clarify; it's the first time that writing has made me cry, but I have many, many times turned crying into writing.) It's not as though I don't write sad things very often. In fact, it's the opposite. I used to think I couldn't write happy stories at all. Maybe it's true. I don't know. I still haven't really finished anything.

Something about dreams affects me so much. I think that's what it is. Dreaming in Shadow is often sad... and it came from a dream, but that was a long time ago. The feelings of this dream are fresh. And I honestly think I've gotten more and more sensitive over the years. I think I could write sad things for characters much easier 5 years ago. And more hurtful things to characters based on people I didn't like, too... ~_~; Now, I feel sorry for them. On one part, I guess I've become more forgiving?
I'll still write what comes to me. I won't betray the story, but it kind of hurts more now.

fireflys_locket: (Sparks Founder - fireflys_locket)
I have a lot of interesting dreams. I'm also pretty good at remembering them. A lot of my story ideas end up coming from dreams. But sometimes, I just have weird fandom-ish dreams. So, since I haven't posted in awhile I thought I'd let people in on a few things that are *going to happen... according to my dreams... from the last couple of days.

1. Giant is going to have a Persona 4 Endurance Run convention tour. It will be awesome.

2. The next Sims 3 expansion pack will be Carnival/Pets based. It will take the carnival-y stuff from Makin' Magic and bring it back. It will also include pets, which can be trained for performing tricks at said carnival.

3. Chris Noth will guest star on Heroes. (The only reason I know about this actor is from how much my Grandma likes him, so I'll have to let her in on this one, though I think Heroes is probably too violent for her. Actually, it's too violent for me too, but... oh, well, too late on that one.)

*Some restrictions apply. Results may vary.
fireflys_locket: (Come Home SoS - soporifical)
Dreaming in Shadow is not exactly my first original story, but it's the first one I loved enough that I decided right away that I wanted it to be my first published work. It started, as many of my story ideas, as a dream. It was December 24, 2003. I woke to a dizzying amount of details flooding my brain. Somehow I knew things that went along with the dream. It seemed weird at the time, but now... HeH.

Much of my work is inspired by other things, and DiS is no different. In fact, alongside the many Peter Pan references, the ending hides an inspiration from a fanfiction I was reading around that time. Oops. Blame the dream, not me!

Still, for the most part, this is based around a character a fair bit like me. Jodi Thompson is very easy to write. And DiS, as a whole, is the easiest story for me to write. It's relaxing, comfortable, and safe. Maybe that's why I've never let myself finish it? The farthest I've let myself get is perhaps a fourth of the way in. And that was during that first year. I've restarted with rewriting about 6 or 7 times, never even getting close to my farthest point.


Aug. 19th, 2008 01:21 pm
fireflys_locket: (Default)
So, I've been cleaning out my computer for AGES. Seriously, a long time. And I had a perfectly good second 300 Gig hard drive that I was being too stubborn to use. But then I had dream telling me to use it. Haha. That's honestly what prompted me to do it.  I was cleaning since March... and doing little else. Honestly. That's why I haven't been attentive to my Friends List. I'm so sorry. I'm normally so quiet anyways, I wonder if anyone actually cared? ~_~;

But now I'm done with cleaning! And free! Too free... I don't know what to focus on. 

My Dreaming in Shadow notebook is falling apart so that's kind of my first priority. To rewrite that. And not use a silly Tinkerbell notebook that's going to fall apart. Haha. It's funny but sad, because I promised myself that would be the last time I started DiS over by hand. I guess it's a good thing, though... I did my last rewrite of the prologue before October. Before my strong inspiration wave overtook me. And I discovered it needed some work again. Surprise, surprise. I guess it's best to take care of it now. 

That prologue has always driven me crazy... it's so hard to have to constantly write so vaguely. Only use "the girl" and "the girl's mother". Uggh. But that's how it must be. Anyways, I worked really hard editing the first page. I found that I'm cutting a lot of sentences out and blending lots together. I suppose that's what editing is... stupid Valval. I guess I'm just surprised because I thought I was done working on it. But after I did the first page with lines through all kinds of stuff, I sort of lost my vibe and gave up to dooddle on the bottom of the page. Haha. And I never do stuff like that. Only when I really can't focus. Which is rare.

Then, I tried out my Sims for the first time in months and found I was having issues. I figured out the problem, but I'm still frustrated. 

Theeeen... I devoured two whole volumes of NANA. I've read up through volume 18 now! ^_^ My mind is buzzing about with a million thoughts about 17 and 18, but I read so much at once that I can't keep myself on one topic in particular yet.

Actually... that's what this post seems like... I don't usually have so many different things in one entry. o.O; I'm really all over the place. My apologies.

Also! My Nana made a NANA video! (^o^)/

Coming Soon:
Zoo Pictures! I went for the first time since I was really little. HeH. 


fireflys_locket: (Default)

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