fireflys_locket: (Time Past - indilime)
Turns out, I was just ready to work on Hate You, Hate Me. It flowed really well, just like last year. I finished the chapter and sent it to Audry. She was able to read it that night. So, everything really worked out. I'm not sure when the chapter will be edited, so I don't know when it will be up. But I am really excited and proud of myself, because I started out this chapter with very little confidence.

I am kind of hoping to get some of my readers back. This will be the first totally new chapter since 2005, and it should send out an alert on to people, who subscribed to the story, when it goes up. I used to have plenty of people interested in the story, but I don't know how many of them would still be. It would be nice to get some new people reading as well, but I also feel like it's weird to try to convince people to get invested in a story that only gets updated once or twice a year. Is that really fair? If people know that, would they find it hard to connect at all?

Well, after getting writing done earlier in the week, I kind of took it easy. I did want my extra day to be special, but all I ended up with were extra frustrations. Oh, well... that happens. I did enjoy getting my order from Pacifica. It's so nice to find an affordable vegan company. I can order whatever I want from them and not have to worry. I'm already considering buying a third perfume from them soon. I love the two scents I bought so far.

Oh, and I absolutely must share that Mallory started using DeviantArt. She used to draw so many beautiful pictures for my old fanfiction. I especially want to share her picture of my character, Water. It is one of my favorites. Now, she does a lot of photography, which is also very lovely. But I do hope she'll add in more drawings as well!

I'm actually in a good mood today. I feel energized and excited. I wonder how long that will last. Haha.
fireflys_locket: (Jamie Glances Over - fireflys_locket)
For some people, pushing themselves helps them to succeed. I've really never found this to be the case for me. Sure, a little pushing can yield a good result. Occasionally. But after pushing myself to write everyday in November, I came crashing down. I forced myself to write a special chapter on the night before Christmas, but other than that, I didn't get much else done in December. I was writing a lot of journal entries, but once I finished the theme I was following, I even stalled on that.

Here's what I have been doing. Yeah. I learned out how to make .gifs and just started getting crazy with it. Then, I made the very bright or very stupid decision to make some .gifs from A Walk to Remember, which is probably my favorite movie, but I never watch it, because it makes me cry so hard. I was just going to watch a few scenes... then, I was watching the whole thing. At the end, I found myself newly obsessed. And extremely depressed. But also, feeling the need to write. I watched it again the next day, made more .gifs, and put it away. Then, what happens the day after? I left ABC Family on after watching a movie, and eventually, A Walk to Remember comes on. At that point, I realized there must be some reason for this movie to be on my mind right now.

Or for me to be emotionally unstable. Because I'm also back to reading this book. I find myself able to read less and less at a time, as the couple keeps getting closer and closer. There's a part of me that wants to like them together, because they seem truly in love with each other, and I adore both of the characters. But instead, I find myself getting ill, like I was about to sleep with someone I didn't love. That's really the best way I can describe it. I have a problem, I know. :/

Last week, while dealing with all these emotions and a family upset, I ended up playing a lot of Sims 2. Like way too much. Pretty much the amount I played in the weeks back in 2005, when I first left school, and I was too depressed to do anything else. But I think by taking things slowly, with little to no pressure, I recovered. Then, Friday, I took the small bits of emotional writing I did over the couple of weeks and rewrote them in a better chapter. And I felt centered. Finally, I actually enjoyed writing again.

So, maybe I got a lot done in November, but I honestly think it was too much pressure for me. It took this long to enjoy writing again. Not to mention the emotions that had to get stirred up. But that's how it usually goes for me. If I have a writing crisis, it takes my emotions needing the release to make writing feel natural again. Because that's what it's supposed to be for me: a lovely, natural need. Like breathing.
fireflys_locket: (Release Me - soporifical)
So, my Aunt Pat got me a Kindle Fire for Christmas. I was stunned. I guess I shouldn't have been so much, since she's bought me many very nice, sometimes expensive gifts over the years. Honestly, I won't be using it for books much, as I love the feel of a real book in my hands, and it cannot be replaced. But it's still a really cool device. I loaded it with some important documents concerning my writing, since I often write on the rare occasion when I go out.

And I did get a book. One of Gabby Bernstein's. She's a cool person, who talks about loving yourself and believing in miracles. And she keeps everything sounding fresh and cool. I actually have both of her books now. Now, the question is... will I get anything from them? The only reason I wouldn't is because of me, myself, and I. All three of us are resistant to change, even when it comes bearing friendly gifts.

In Add More ~ing to Your Life, I'm being told to mix changing, healing reflections with moving. Oh, Dear... none of that sounds possible for me. I mean, I'm me. I don't change, I don't feel good about myself, and I definitely don't move. At least, not without extreme anxiety. Maybe I'm too far gone to be saved?

And then, Gabby talks about a boy she liked in 6th grade calling her stupid, and how that continued to affect her even she she was writing the book. Wow. 6th grade, huh? :/ You too, Gabby? Then, she says: "These thoughts have become completely beyond your control - they're second nature by now. You identify so closely with them that they embody your perception of yourself." Yep. That sounds about right. But am I really ever going to believe that those words aren't true? That Seth was wrong?

I'm supposed to write down limiting beliefs that I have, then cross them out and replace the words with affirmations. I didn't want to even try that. That's how resistant I am about this stuff. I feel that if I can start to convince myself to go from "I'm not good enough." to "I am wonderful as I am today.", as the books suggests, I'm certain that someone will come along to tear me back down, and it will only hurt more. At least if I stay the same person that always answered Seth's "You're ugly."s with "You're right."s, no one can ever hurt me worse than I hurt myself.

I'll never find my soulmate. Morgan is waiting for me. No one would ever want to be with me. He wants me just as I am. I'm ugly. And fat. ... ... ... Yeah, I can't seem to correct that one. That should give an idea of how hard this is. I won't even bother going into the never being a good enough writer, or the idea that my friends don't care about me because they rarely even send a message my way.

I'm wonderful as I am? That can't be true. :/

Next, I'm supposed to dance with my emotions. Dance. Why has dancing been getting under my skin lately? I guess I should explain this one. Years ago, Mallory and I put two ideas together and created Spun of Silver. The story is about us traveling to a castle in Ireland and finding magic and mystery. And love. This is where Morgan first got his name. When I first started believing maybe there was someone wonderful out there for me. Maybe I didn't have to be cursed to only fall in love with those, who'd only hurt me. My romantic ideas included Morgan teaching me to dance. It was a beautiful fantasy.

That fantasy is long gone. As I'm finally writing this story that really started to shape my ideas of soulmates and true love, I'm coming to realize Morgan will never teach me to dance. I came closer to the scene, writing myself as honestly as I possibly could, and I could see that this approaching scene that used to be romantic was only terrifying now. And I wrote myself having a huge panic attack. Just because Morgan had his hand on my back and wanted me to move with him. Morgan, who loves me truly and endlessly. It doesn't matter that I, as the writer, knew that. I still couldn't dance with him.

In real life, I wouldn't even believe him. Because if I let myself believe someone could love me, I'll only get hurt when I find out it isn't true. All those hurtful words I received all my life are chains binding me in place. Yet if someone - whether it be a spiritual teacher, a true friend, or even my prince of heart - would come to me with a key, I'd be more afraid of the outside world than my prison. 'And besides,' Vanessa says. 'the only one, who could love you is me.' And I believe her, because no one ever comes for me anyhow, and I don't have in me to escape by myself.

God, I didn't mean for this to become so miserable sounding. But well, I knew no book could help me. Sorry, Gabby. :(
fireflys_locket: (Damaged Fiona - fireflys_locket)
I've been thinking a lot about writing different kinds of characters. I have lots of relationships planned that people might not understand or accept. Some worry me more than others, but I will write what feels right for me. At the moment, I'm thinking about gay and lesbian characters, and how little I've actually read in that area.

I really shouldn't even be complaining about this. Some people have real problems concerning these things. Ugh. But I kind of worry about buying books relating to lesbian stories in particular, because I know my Mom worries that I am one. And the reason this isn't a real problem is because I know that my Mom will love me no matter what. It's just super awkward.

I guess the idea of girls together has always been a quirk for me (my meaning of "quirk" being a less sexual version of kink). I think it's mostly a forbidden love sort of thing that I've always adored, which leads me to enjoying some... stranger things than that. For a long time, boys together weirded me out for a very specific reason, that I don't want to discuss. I've been slowly trying to get myself away from that, and finally read a slash fanfiction I actually enjoyed. YaY, me! But I know I'll never like it as much as femmeslash, which I haven't actually read much of, thinking about it.

I'm pretty okay with myself being bisexual or whatever I am. Basically, I see my soulmate as a man, but if my soulmate is a woman, I would totally accept that. I'm way more concerned about finding someone, who understands me, loves me and is true to me, believes in soulmates, and is a vegetarian than what physical parts that person has to love me with. So, if that makes me bisexual, I am. It doesn't really matter that much to me. My online friend just said I was pansexual. I didn't even know what that meant, but it sounds about right. Huh. Interesting. I really need to learn more about this stuff.

Which is kind of what I'm getting at. I know I need to try reading some different things. I've already watched a few lesbian movies after stumbling onto Lost and Delirious on Netflix and absolutely adoring it. Books are harder, because I share my Amazon account with my Mom, having no credit card of my own. I just don't like it when things get this kind of awkward. And it's so stupid, because there are LGBT teens, who are paralyzed with good reason of their parents finding out. I'm totally safe.

So, that's my nonproblem for today. I should probably just get over it, but I don't know if I can. :/ And now, I have a headache. Stupid Val.

If anyone has suggestions of really great LGBT stories in any form, leave them here?
fireflys_locket: (Fight Evil Read Books - bitsy_icons)
Wow, things have gotten crazy lately. November is over and December has been dizzying to say the least. But let's start off by saying that I actually wrote every single day in November. I know. I can't believe it either. The last week or so, I had totally lost my drive, but I made it through, somehow. I do not expect that I'll be doing that again. I completed my challenge, and I'm done with it. But I guess, maybe in a year from now, I could feel differently.

The strange thing was that after the pressure was removed, I only skipped one day. I wrote both yesterday and the day before. And I felt pretty good about it. It also helped that I saw Jill on Thursday and she got me excited about what's coming in Dreaming in Shadow. I was thinking I'd need a full week as a break, but I guess not. It would be cool, I guess, if the little project I did had a lasting effect on how often I write. But I'm not sure we can say that just yet.

For December, I've come into a bit of money, so I kind of went crazy with it. I checked out this health food store that my friend, Tiffany, told me about last week. It was totally awesome. I had to remind myself that it wasn't that far away, so I didn't need to buy everything in sight. I did buy some vegan Jello stuff, which I am super excited about. I can't remember the last time I had Jello.... I doubt it was a full 9 years ago, but I think I found out about Jello having animal in it pretty early in my vegetarian life. I just didn't realize all the things that had gelatin in it for many years. :/ Anyhow, it was a great little place. I'll definitely be going again soon.

I also took a bit more of a trip to our closest Barnes and Noble. I don't think I've ever been to one, and I was so amazed by how big it was. I was freaking out like I was someone, who lived in the middle of nowhere. Maybe some would consider that true... Either way, I bought a few books just by looking around, which I thought I'd lost forever when Borders closed. The books that caught my eye seemed to have a mermaid/ocean theme. I wonder if that's the next big thing. I'm on board; let me pull out my Water story...

I also bought some of the great jewelry I found on Etsy. So exciting! I found some perfect character pieces. I'll post them, if anyone wants to see. I have other jewelry already that I should probably take pictures of, too. Hm.

Speaking of things I want to post, I was thinking about having a post that listed the stories I'm currently working on with a little description for them. It's something I should probably have eventually, though I'm not sure anyone would care right now. I deleted my big list of all my stories, because I was the only one looking at it, and it didn't actually explain anything helpful for other people.

As a side note, what's going on with the entry posting page? Most things aren't working. :/
fireflys_locket: (Hermione in Love - fireflys_locket)
So, I decided not to dress up this year. It's something I've been considering for awhile. And it isn't because I think I'm too old for Halloween. That's just silly. It's because last year, a guy rang the doorbell, and I answered it, thinking he was a kid. He didn't try to kidnap me or anything. He just tricked me into coming to the door, so he could grill me about voting. Not cool. Halloween is the only time I answered the door when I wasn't expecting someone, but he totally ruined it. Now, I know that it probably just sounds stupid to react this way, but I'm a person with extreme Social Anxiety. I can't handle this.

But after thinking about how Halloween was the only holiday I still enjoyed, I knew I had to do something special. Sims 2 photoshoots! YaY! So, maybe, I've now taken a "step backwards" into more introverted behaviour, but whatever. I'm just me, guys. I can't help it.

Anyways, my original idea - which I'm still planning to do - was to take pictures of Miss Masquerade characters wearing masks. But I was thinking about how I failed to finish a new Hate You, Hate Me chapter for Audry's birthday. And also, how I've always been jealous of authors, who have awesome banners for their fanfics. Well, I am jealous no more.

While I was making Draco and Hermione and their families, I also took some pictures just for fun. So, here's a little story for Draco/Hermione fans... or people, who can appreciate Harry Potter silliness. (But it's mostly just for Audry.)

Take a look? (Beware the silliness!) )
fireflys_locket: (Nobu/Hachi - patrypjer)
I am way too invested in this book. It's one of the two books I bought from the author I met last month. And I'm in love. I knew from the description that I would probably enjoy it, and maybe I should have expected it, but it's one of those books. Or stories, I should say. What does that mean, you wonder? Well, every once in a while, as much as I try to keep it from happening, end up finding a story where I feel too deeply alike in some way to the main heroine, and more importantly, there is a male character that fills the role of Morgan. It's a dangerous, dangerous situation for me, because it can rip my heart apart if they don't end up together. I'm talking about going into mourning, feeling like Morgan might not even exist. I am fragile and sensitive. And something I feel so invested in can really hurt me.

In other words: dangerous.

But unlike alot of other stories, the third member of the love triangle is not a total jerk. He's not a Takumi. Not a... Seth. He's a really nice guy. And I worry about him. He really needs Susie. :/ It's tough when you care so much about everyone. But of course, it makes for a better story. My hope is that somewhere in this series Duncan will find his own soulmate like Jacob in Breaking Dawn. Or maybe Evan will... And that's what scares me.

Valerie and Morgan must end up together! But of course, they aren't me and Morgan. They never will be. No one will be but us. But every once in a while, this happens, and it kills me. And no matter how I try to stop myself, it will happen again. There will be another Nobu and Hachi. K.C. and Clare. Evan and Susie. And they will always let me down...

...but don't let this end there! This is an amazing book by a self-published author. I really love it so far, and no matter what happens, I'm glad to have found it. You could definitely say I need the distraction of something that pulls me in so deeply right now. It's going to be a hard couple of weeks. I'm barely writing and feeling miserable about it. But the stress is just overpowering, and I've just gotten over my cold. *Sighs*
fireflys_locket: (Heads down (D/Hr) - phrixus_)
Yesterday, I worked a bit on Hate You, Hate Me Chapter 12. Shocker, right? It's been a long time coming. I was thinking about how unfinished this well outlined plot was, and how it would be nice to have a new chapter up for Audry's birthday. The problem was that I hadn't worked on a new chapter in over 6 years. I had to turn to my old 8th grade notebook, where I wrote a mere 3 page chapter. When I was in 8th grade.

It's horrible. I mean... wow. I haven't seriously looked at notebooks this old in a while. Yes, not so long ago, I was rewriting Dreaming in Shadow out of a Freshman Year notebook, but my writing changed in the time between 8th grade and then. I improved a lot. Hopefully, I've improved even more since then, but at least my old DiS notebooks were quite useful. Looking at this old chapter 12 is just frustrating me. Was I really that awful? Why did people bother reading my old fics like Green Flame Torch and Thyora's Tear that were written before this?

Of course, at the time, what I wrote in my notebooks were more of just a guideline for what I was going to post. I used to leave out whole scenes writing - insert blank here - often because they were big action scenes or needed music, but I was writing at school. I guess I shouldn't be so mad about these weak 3 pages of chapter 12, considered as just an outline. But I really wonder how it would have turned out if I'd typed it then.

Another thing I have to mention at this point is how much [ profile] fluffyfledgling has helped my writing. When I started rewriting HYHM with her help, I used to rely on her to tell me which parts needed to be fleshed out, not having any idea of how to write larger chapters, especially with only one character's POV. Now, I often have trouble fitting everything I want to write in 8 to 10 pages... although, in this case, I'm talking about original stories and notebook pages, and I don't know how that translates at all.

A fear I'm facing now is worry that I've become detached from Draco. When I worked on rewriting chapter 11 earlier this year, it was easier to get back into it because I had so much emotion attached to that chapter and how drastically it changed my life. I don't have that kind of passion for this chapter. This wasn't a life changer for me, though you could say it is for Hermione. I think that's another thing I'm scared of: Hermione's miscarriage, which is half in this chapter half in the next. I have no idea what to do about this. I barely know anything about how pregnancy works, and I'm kind of squeamish, so I'm reluctant to look deeply into it. Yeah, I'll admit to that.
fireflys_locket: (Lovely Reflection - amethystia)

I read a lot of inspiring words on Care 2. They talking about lots of important things, like animal rights, being vegetarian (or vegan), gay rights, and just being true to yourself. (There are a few things that they tend to support, which I disagree with. Particularly abortion-related articles, as I'm very Pro-Life. But usually, I find lots of support and love from their articles.)

Today, I was catching up on the newsletters and found this post, asking people to write a list of their needs and desires. A lot of times, I read articles and appreciate them, but I don't go out and make a list or whatever. This time, I guess I felt that I wanted to. So, here's my list of deepest desires and needs, sort of in a logical order. Probably not surprising in the least.

Find my soulmate, Morgan.
Get engaged.
Become healthier.
Finish Dreaming in Shadow.
Type/edit DiS.
Find a reliable artist that meets my needs.
Self-publish DiS.
Figure out how to market books.
Find my own home (with Morgan).
Get married.
Have a home full of pets and love.
Have a lovely garden.
Meet Audry in person.
Meet Vivi in person.
Be able to spend more time with friends in general.
Finish Miss Masquerade.
Help Morgan with his dreams.
Actually make some money from writing!
Eventually make enough money to really help support us.
Make enough money to donate regularly.
Finally finish Spun of Silver with Mal.
Continue writing and publishing for the rest of my life.
Move people with my writing, and gain some dedicated fans.
Meet Jo Rowling to thank her.
Happily grow old with Morgan.

So, that is my list that I worked on for about 20 minutes. I'm sure there are more things I would love to have in my life, but these are my base desires. At least the ones I feel I can directly influence. So, write your own list if you want! It certainly made me feel good (for now).

fireflys_locket: (Clare Cute - clarebear7)
I've been so busy this week, and for the first time in awhile, it had nothing to do with my Grandma's house. Such a relief. I did stop by there with Jan and Paul once to feed Grandma's stray cats. We saw four kittens! It was the fist time I can remember seeing such small ones all year. Jan and I also picked some sweet peas. It was nice. I know I'm going to miss the house a lot when I can't go anymore.

So, this week's busy was mostly to do with writing. I started last weekend off by working on Miss Masquerade while playing with Sapphira's family on The Sims 2. It's such a fun way to write. I started to think about some of the characters that don't have last names, since I couldn't make them as sims unless I gave them some sort of last name. So, with the help of my Mom doing some research on Italian surnames, I found a last name for Sylas. I wrote it on the notebook I keep on my desk and glanced at it over the week. Everytime I did, I still really liked it. I'll probably make him (and his brother) soon.

Tuesday, while I was doing laundry, I was thinking about book names for my Magic Inc. series. I only had titles for the first 3 books. I was also thinking about my old Harry Potter series, which had many of the same themes. (It was probably because I've been reading a HP fanfic over this month. A great read, by the way.) I thought about the parallels between the world I was making up just in my head and the fanfiction I was writing out. I realized that with a little work, I could use some of the old titles. Now, I have great titles for the first 6 books and tentative ideas for the following 2. Putting those titles into place on my timeline made me end up spending a good hour or so getting some other stories lined up. Now, I have 15 of the busiest years in place.

I also finished the Miss Masquerade chapter that I hadn't quite finished. And I was super nervous about that part. Sapphira has a dream, whose effects I had planned for ages, but I hadn't figured out what exactly was going to happen. I was almost sick about it until Thursday, when I showed Jill. She loved it. I kept asking her for opinions, since she studies dreams, but she had a hard time not just saying how much she liked it. Hehe. I still think it needs a little work - it feels quite raw, like most parts of Spun of Silver - but I do feel better about it now. Or maybe it's supposed to feel raw, considering Sapphira's reaction to it? Hmm.

Yesterday, I spent the day with my Mom, then we picked up Joe around 6PM to go see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. Believe it or not, it was only my third time. Yeah. That's insane for me. Just goes to show how busy it's been with my Grandma's house. *Sighs* Anyways, I enjoyed it so much... cried lots... but I also started getting ideas for an upcoming Miss Masquerade chapter. It's a blessing and a curse. The better - or more inspirational - the movie, the more likely I am to start feeling like I need to write or think about my own stories at some point. That's why I enjoy watching movies at home by myself best. I can pause whenever I want to for a 10 (or more) minute break. It happens all the time.

Today, I wrote about 5 pages of Dreaming in Shadow, finishing up a chapter I've been working on for a few weeks. The first half was action-oriented, which is not my favorite or best type of writing, but the second half was full of emotion. I had such a great feeling while writing, and I found some great songs to fit with it. One is a song from the newest season of Degrassi. Fits so well. Goodness, I love Degrassi music. <3

I've been totally in love with Degrassi, of course. I'm trying to not overwatch this season, though. I watched the Boiling Point episodes so many times that I'm kind of sick of them. I don't want that to happen again. I still love interactions between Clare and Eli, though I'm not sure they should get back together. I like Imogen in a character appreciation-type way. I'm not so crazy about Jake. He's sweet sometimes, but I can't see him being a long-term match for Clare. I wish there was more Adam, though I know they need to deal with older characters storylines right now. Speaking of that, I just knew they didn't bring in a pretty young teacher without plans for a student/teacher relationship. I like it so far, though I miss Sav/Anya still.
fireflys_locket: (Kagome Stupid Weather - fireflys_locket)
I made possibly my last trip to Borders yesterday. At least the big Borders that's 20 minutes away. Talk about depressing. At least when Game Crazy closed, I knew I had Game Stop nearby and that the guys there were pretty cool now (even if it meant I had to brave the mall way more than I wanted to). The only thing comparable with Borders is Barnes and Noble... and that's, well, maybe it's not that much farther, but I've never been there. And it was hard enough to get to Borders, which was closer.

*Sighs* Anyways, I was able to get a lot of stuff. They still had lots of inventory... just a lot of it was hard to find. When I looked and the manga section, I wasn't able to find a single volume that I needed next. They were either so old that they weren't even in stock anymore, or they were on 55 and didn't have the earlier ones. So, my Mom and I looked around and picked up some volume 1s that looked interesting, not that I really need to have that many more manga series to start. ^_^;

I was sort of sadly disappointed the Young Adult section. I only ended up getting two books. Certain areas were really picked over, and not a lot was really jumping out at me like I was hoping. It could also be that I've visited Borders twice in the last few months and the one at the mall a couple of times, too. But still, I was expecting to get a lot more.

And if you want to talk about picked over, the cd section was a mess. I thought I'd get a few of those for really cheap, and there were a few I was considering, but I decided against it. I bet there was at least one I would have loved to get, but everything was so mixed up, and I didn't have the energy to look through it all. There were so many people at the store. I constantly felt a panic attack coming on.

I guess the really great things I got were Chamber of Secrets and Twilight audio books. I always loved the audio of the Harry Potter books. I had 1-3 on tape, but it's so hard to get around to listening to them that way. I have one portable tape player... which I don't carry around. So, yeah. And I've heard that the woman, who reads Twilight, has a lovely voice. At 40% off, it seemed like a good idea. I guess I just wish I would have bought another Harry Potter set, too. I mean, the bigger ones were $75 originally. I'd have saved more that way, although the prices on Amazon are not that much more. But when I got home, I ended up making an order on Amazon of a few things I wasn't able to find at Borders.

Either way, I ended up basically out of money, but you should see the stack of stuff I got! I'm so glad I saved up for this trip. But I just don't want it to be the last one. Maybe... maybe I'll go back for another audio book, but it would be a real bummer to go there for one thing and have it be gone. ~_~; Though I'm sure I could find something.

Another sad thing I realized while I was at Borders is that now, I'll never be able to see a book of mine on a shelf there. Never.

fireflys_locket: (Brave Death (HP) - princessbloomy)
In some ways, I never wanted this to come. The end of the Harry Potter era. Not that people won't adore the books and movies forever. But there won't be the same anticipation. Not ever, ever again. Unless Jo changes her mind about writing more. And I would take anything: Lily and James, Albus Severus (and Scorpius/Rose! <3), Snape, Dumbledore, the 7 books from another POV. Really, anything she felt like writing. But otherwise, I think I'll be stuck writing and reading fanfiction for the rest of my life. It can't be over. I won't let it be.

So, what to think of the last movie... This movie is strange in that nearly nothing is quite exactly the way it is supposed to be in the books, yet it still gives off the same presence due to some wonderful acting and care given to achieving the proper feel. It's as exciting and epic - but also as heart-breaking and heart-warming - as it's meant to be.

Of course, that doesn't mean there weren't issues. The thing that comes first to my head, which rubbed me wrong, probably seems silly, but I didn't like how the Slytherins were all sent to the dungeon instead of being evacuated. Are we supposed to think that every Slytherin is evil? Including all the First-Years? Snape is certainly not perfect, but he was a good Slytherin. There had had to be some others. They just weren't brave enough to fight. ^_^;

I feel like most of the smaller mistakes come down to making everything more dramatic. I didn't like how Bellatrix and Voldemort came apart in pieces. I didn't like the weird falling off the tower struggle, that has baffled me since it showed up in a trailer. I wish they had made clear at the end that it was Avada Kedavra against Expelliarmus again. I wish Harry had fixed his wand and looked at Dumbledore's portrait at the end.

But somehow, I feel pretty okay with most of the changes. They pretty much made Neville/Luna happen, which was fantastic. The author is always right, but I never bought Jo's explanation for why Neville/Luna wouldn't have worked. "...I think that Neville would always find Luna’s wilder flights of fancy alarming." Um, are we talking about the same Neville? Deathly Hallows!Neville? Because DH!Neville is pretty darn brave, don't you think? I think he could handle Luna's flights of fancy. I don't mind that he ended up with Hannah Abbott in canon, but that explanation just doesn't work for me.

I wish there had been just a few more scenes with Snape, though what we got was beautiful. I need to find icons of Severus and Lily lying in the grass... like right now. <3 My spark for wanting to write Lily has come back. We'll see how much. And 19 Years Later, was about as perfect as could be. I adored it. I only missed my, "Don't get too friendly with him, though, Rosie. Granddad Weasley would never forgive you if you married a pureblood.", just like I missed, "Keep that big bushy head down, Granger." in Goblet of Fire. But that's super nitpicky. :p

Mainly, I just really want to see the movie again. And again. And read the books again and again. And for there to be more books... someday. I wish, I wish so much. Photobucket
fireflys_locket: (Tink Cries - peaces_icons)

Fair warning: This is an extremely depressing (somewhat insane) post. If you only want to read the Harry Potter portion of this post, skip to the second set of ellipses (...). I'm not going to LJ Cut any of this, because it all fits together, but I won't blame you for skipping my crying rants.

It's getting harder and harder. Being at Grandma's house. Looking at the spaces where furniture used to be. This was my childhood home. My home. How can this be happening? I miss Grandma so much. I've been just pushing along, knowing we have so much work to do. But I can feel it building. The terror after the house is sold. When it all comes into view. Grandma is gone. And she isn't coming back.

I had no idea this year was coming. Not that I didn't worry about Grandma often. But to think this actually happened. I just can't handle it. Never being able to call that number again. Never having someone there, always there, to listen whenever you need her. There is no one else, who can fill her space. I have a gaping hole. Just another aching need that can't be filled.

So, you see, when things are in a good place, it's not easy for people to bring up the idea that what I want most in the world might not exist. At this point, it was a very big mistake to suggest such a thing. I'll make it clear for people, who wonder, so they won't ask. If I thought Morgan didn't exist, if I lost my belief in him, I would kill myself. I wouldn't want to live in a world like that. I'd rather go up and be with Grandma in Heaven. And if that option didn't exist, then I rather live in a delirium. I already have to often lose myself in delirium to keep myself breathing. Do you realize this? I pretend Morgan is around. I have to imagine he's holding me every night to get to sleep. I talk to him when I'm alone. Okay? I'm crazy. And I don't give a damn what anyone thinks of that. If I didn't have that, I wouldn't have made it this far. He is the reason I keep breathing.

Meanwhile, the tension in the house has been building. I had a fight with my Mother last night, which is rare. I'm still kind of angry.

So, due to those three things, I was up until after 2AM. Crying until I lost my mind and started talking to Morgan. I reached a point where I was actually quite happy... for me. Just so you know who I really am. I'm crazy.

Today, I'm crying again. After another bad night's sleep (at least not due Slendy obsession), I got out of bed just in time to watch the world premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. I cried a lot, off and on the whole time, but at the end they brought together, if I can remember correctly: David Heyman, David Barron, David Yates, Steve Kloves, Jo Rowling, Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, Rupert Grint, and the head of Warner Bros.. They all gave speeches, and I cried and cried. It was a beautiful end to a wonderful 10 years. More, of course, if you consider this the end of the first generation of the Harry Potter franchise as a whole, as I do. And that makes this another goodbye, that I can't handle.

I will probably link to a clip of it later, but as Jo put it, "Whether you return by page or big screen, Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home." If you love Harry Potter anywhere near as much as I do, you need to see these speeches. And you will cry. Jo cried. Emma cried. If you love Harry Potter, you will cry. I'm watching the whole premiere again right now to see these moments.

As I come to the end of this emotional post, I can only say I'm truly glad I have therapy tonight. I really need it.

fireflys_locket: (Pooh-Piglet Hugs - such_jaunt)
Today is a special day. Six years ago today, I posted chapter 11 of  Hate You, Hate Me as a birthday present to my friend, Sam. I was writing out of pain more than as a present, though. The intensity switch in my life has always been stuck on high, but in this case... well, it was barely more than a month later that I left school forever. Hopefully, that will give you an idea of the pain that was building.

There were two things that happened as a direct result of posting chapter 11. The story is long and unpleasant, but if you've read Miss Masquerade, you could say that chapter 11 was my perfume bottle. It shattered my life into a million pieces. And for years, I blamed it for ruining my life. Just like Sapphira and Chanel No. 5.

But there was something else that happened as a result of posting chapter 11, and it's something I wouldn't trade for the world, that was already breaking apart. Chapter 11 is how I met one of my dearest friends, Audry. For most of my best friends, I can relate back to the point where it all started. There's always a story. The day Mallory came over to ask what I was doing at lunch. The day I approached Christen, who was writing, and we both went home to tell our Moms that we met a fellow writer. Even the song contest that I answered for Vivi. :P

Audry read Hate You, Hate Me and left me a review stating that she was still sobbing from reading. And I was filled with joy! My writing had made someone cry! My writing was powerful enough to do something like that. I was ecstatic. I ran into the kitchen to tell my Mom.

Later, I wrote an email to my reviewer:

"Wow... you are the first person that I have made cry! Don't take this wrong, but I am overjoyed. I have had a dream to make someone cry like I have while reading stories. I thank you so much for reading and reviewing, and if you want some secrets or samples or anything, just ask! "

And received a reply:

"Wow, I can't believe nobody else cried! I was bawling and my mum was all worried about me and I told her not to worry, I was only deteriorating. I can't WAIT for the next chapters. I do wonder if you are going to write any more stories in the near future? Love the story mucho mucho, Audry F."

And six years later, Audry is one of what I like to call Best of Best. She's my wonderful Pooh Bear, and I am her Piglet. We've shared some intensely painful times, but we've come through. Today, after many years of work on rewriting HYHM, I finished chapter 11 for our anniversary! <3 I love you soooo much, Audry!

I also finally decided to write out a song for Lahela, after years of trying to find one. I was wearing Firefly's Locket, and it came to me so easily. The rewritten chapter may not be up for awhile, but you can get a sneak peek into it by reading Lahela's Song. I also posted another song for another story recently, Eyes at Night.
And that's it for now. Writing is looking up... hopefully. Now, I think I'll watch an episode of Felicity before bed to feel close to Audry even though we are so far away. <3
fireflys_locket: (Show Me the Light (D/Hr) - bombottosa)
I'm disappointed in myself. I wrote all of one page this week. I didn't even bother showing it to Jill, yesterday. Not all weeks are good ones, but lately, I'd been doing so well. The pressure from Dreaming in Shadow still lingers with me, but I think it might be something else, too. I've been really depressed this week. I think it's hormones. :/ Even if I'm not normal, I still have symptoms, sometimes.

Also, Valentine's Day is fast approaching. Should I try to sleep through it again? Maybe, I'll only have depressing dreams, anyways. Maybe, there is no point. I don't know.

I've been playing a little of Suikoden the last couple of days. It's fun, and a little different. The art looks good, which makes me happy. Playing PSOne Final Fantasys is tough for me because of the art. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the many characters that I guess you can pick up. I'll probably stick with a main party most of the way through.

I've also started my next online reading mission. I'm rereading the Draco/Hermione fic: You Gotta Breathe. It's kind of intense at the beginning; just a warning, in case you want to check it out. The author is working on the third fic in the series now. I only got part way through the second... I think that was around when I left school. Anyways, I'm thinking it will be joining my Favorite Fanworks List. And I'm hoping that daily reading will get me inspired again. Though - as usual - my problem is more a lack of motivation.

Degrassi tonight... still not excited. My Mom is way excited, though. *Sighs* It just looks like everything I care about on the show is about to fall apart. Is it that hard to believe that I'm not excited for that? Randomly, does anyone have a good name idea for J.T. and Liberty's baby? I'm sort of working on a fic relating to that, and I'm more excited for it than actual new Degrassi episodes. Yeah, I said it. :P

Maybe it will all turn around tonight... but I doubt it.
fireflys_locket: (Oh my stars! - fireflys_locket)
Yesterday, I finally got a chance to use my giftcards and money from Christmas. I got a lot of cool things, but I feel so guilty for spending so much in one go. I feel like my Dad. :/ I really don't regret any of the things I bought, but to buy so much at one time feels a lot like how my Dad spends money. Which I hate.

I bought some jewelry at Penny's, because I had a return. The stuff I bought was actually quite expensive, but it was super on sale. The check-out lady told me I saved something like $64. That's pretty impressive, though I would never have bought that stuff at full price. There was another great sale going on a Bath & Body Works. Lots of little bottles of stuff for $1-$3. It was great, though because I know that B&BW is mostly free of animal-derived ingredients, I didn't check a couple of labels until I got home. And somehow, they forgot to check out the air-fresheners I was buying for my Grandma, but I have to go back to the Mall on Tuesday to get Kingdom Hearts: Re:Coded, so going back won't be out of the way.

Speaking of games, I wasn't planning on it, but I ended up going to GameStop. ^_^; I bought the first Nancy Drew game, which was remastered for the anniversary or some such and Heavy Rain. I've been considering Heavy Rain for some time, because I love the idea of an interactive story. I am still worried that some parts will be too intense for me. :/ But I'm just too interested in the game to ignore it. I also bought another Sarah Dessen book at Borders. It was hardback, and I just couldn't resist. Another unplanned purchase. I feel so guilty! But as I said before... I don't think any of these things were bad choices.

Finally, we went to Walmart, where I had a giftcard, and I bought some movies: Nights in Rodante (which I'm hoping my Grandma will enjoy), Despicable Me, Wall.E, and Super Mario Brothers (which I know everyone other than me and like, one other person hates, but it was only $5, and I like it, so :P).

So, I spent almost  $200. Guilt, guilt, guilt. :/ Some of that was a donation to Club Pet, so that's a little better. But wow, so much money.
fireflys_locket: (Expect Unexpected (CCS) - sboardman711)
The last few days have been... surprisingly good. I never thought things would turn around so quickly. The 31st of December was horrible, but the 1st of January was great. I watched Despicable Me (which was super adorable), started the White Album anime (which I'd read is a lot like NANA), and I even wrote a bit. The 2nd was good; I backed up my files and watched some more anime. And the 3rd... well, I went out to see Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 with Sierra again! That's number 6. One more, and I'll be satisfied. Anyways, Sierra and I had dinner, too. We always have such a nice time together. We talked about having summertime readings again, and we talked about the books I've been reading lately.

I finished Just Listen yesterday. It pretty much went exactly as I was forseeing. Definitely a very good book, but I'm still so into The Truth About Forever that I was sort of missing those characters part of the time. There was a happy cameo, which I adored. I love when those things happen. It's how I write my stories, after all. Connections are fabulous. ^_^ And Sarah Dessen's characters are fabulous, too. I'm so excited to read more of her books, though I think I should give some other books a chance first.

I guess I've been really into reading lately. I was sort of slowed down by Spindle's End. :/ But before that, I was reading Memoirs of a Geisha, which was pretty great. And depending on if you count manga as reading, I discovered Mars recently, too.
fireflys_locket: (Purple Flower Book - colorvary)

I've just had a pretty awful week. I never thought I'd feel worse on New Year's Eve than Christmas and Valentine's combined. I never thought I'd feel like this again for the same person. Life is so weird. But I'll try to stay off that topic... if I can. I'm not sure I want to write about that at this time. I'm sure I will someday.

Actually, I have been writing about my feelings. Just in a fictional way. Strange how stories can change or get additions that feel like they were meant to be there all along. I'm forever discovering new things about my characters that feel like they were always true, I just didn't know it yet. They're alive, I swear.

I read a great book during my horrible week, too. The Truth About Forever by Sarah Dessen. It was so much more enjoyable of a read than my last book. I'd read two other books by her some time ago, That Summer and Someone Like You, which were combined to make the movie, How to Deal. And I had already bought another book by her, Just Listen. So, after very little thought, I jumped into Just Listen the next day after I finished The Truth About Forever. It's pretty good so far, too. I love how real Sarah Dessen's characters feel to me. <3

As for me, personally... Well, suffice it to say, I'm trying to heal up my heart again.  And it will probably break again. But I'll just keep waiting for... the one that never makes you cry, as they say. Though, I'm sure even true love will make me cry. Just happy tears instead.

Happy New Year.

fireflys_locket: (Hachi Fangirl - fireflys_locket)
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I absolutely go back to my favorite things. I've read the Harry Potter books at least 3 times; the first 3 probably 10 or more times. Just in theaters, I've watched all the Harry Potter movies at least 4 times, most 7 or more. I saw Peter Pan in theaters 10 times, at least 3 times since then. I've seen A Walk to Remember and Titanic probably at least 5 times, even though I sob every time I watch. Genius I've watched countless times after heartbreaks and bad days. I watched my favorite Disney movies over and over when I was young. I'm surprised my Lion King VHS still plays. Though I expect that's common for kids.

Even some of my newer favorite movies, like The Girl Who Leapt Through Time and Lost and Delirious, I watched my favorite parts over and over for a week or so, enjoying my new obsessions. HeH.
Also, though the question is just talking about books and movies, I've played Kingdom Hearts probably 4 full times, many other partial times. I've played Final Fantasy X twice. I'm not sure how many times I played Super Mario RPG, but I'd say at least 5. I really need to finish 2nd playthroughs of Shadow Hearts and Covenant. And I've watched and read NANA tons of times! I've seen every episode of Degrassi at least twice. I also listen to my favorite podcasts over and over again.

Basically, there are no limits on re-enjoying things I love. But of course, you do want to make sure you give new things a chance. You never know when I new favorite may arise! For instance, today I read the first volume of Mars, and I'm totally in love. I'm so happy to find something new to obsess over. Especially to try and get me through the coughing fit end of this cold! Basically, it's been tea and tissues and Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep for the last 7 days. I'm definitely feeling better, but the coughing has been disrupting my sleeping the last few days, and I can get really messed up over loss of sleep.
fireflys_locket: (Nana Side Eye - fireflys_locket)
I'm sick. Just a cold, I think. I probably caught it from my Dad, who was coughing all over the place when he took me to Deathly Hallows Part 1 on Friday. It's funny that it should happen after to seeing my Dad for the first time in nearly 6 months. ~_~; Of all the luck.

So, now, stuck with a sore throat and stuffy nose, I don't feel like doing much of anything. But I finally got through the book I was reading...

Spoilers for Spindle's End by Robin McKinley )

I'd still like to get some writing done this week, but it's not looking promising at this point. I wish I still had Netflix, so I could lie around in bed watching SVU or something. :( Ugh, I know it's just a cold, but I can get emotionally upset so easily with colds. Especially if it starts to mess with my sleep. Let's hope that doesn't happen.

I'd like to get better by this weekend, too. I have Christmas shopping that needs doing.


fireflys_locket: (Default)

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