Apr. 6th, 2015

fireflys_locket: (Pretty Hachi - girlgamer)
I know it sounds crazy, but I'm not all that happy that spring is here. Don't get me wrong; I like the flowers and the fresh air and being able to wear my normal clothes out again. But something weird happened this past winter. I decided not to care. Not to go out much. Not to force myself into things. Winter was the perfect excuse to stay home and save my energy for writing. And my goodness, did I get a lot of work done. It's amazing what you can do when you're not feeling drained from forcing yourself to be out around people.

I bet some people will think that means I'm "going backwards", because they think I should be getting out around people more. But it never feels like progress to me. It doesn't make me happier. Honestly, it rarely feels worth the stress to me. It's not worth the drained/depressed feeling I get afterward either. It is very nice to do things with friends and family from time to time, and I wouldn't want to stay away from being out completely or anything. But I chose what I wanted to do much more carefully over the winter. Which left me a lot more energy for writing. And now, I'm one chapter away from finishing Magic Inc.'s second draft and moving fully into the editing phase. I really think I'll be able to have the book completely done in a few months. As long as I don't have another emotional crash...

That's the other thing about spring; it leads to summer. And summer is not a typically good time for me. Neither is my birthday at the end of May. And I'm scared; I'm so scared. Last year I made it through summer and crashed in the fall instead. But it was horrible. It felt like one of the worst I've ever had. Winter allowed me to pull away from expectations and just focus on recovering. And I ended up doing more than that. The freedom from the whole "getting outside of your comfort zone" thing so many people preach actually granted me more progress. I work better when I am comfortable and not under pressure. That's just how it works for me.

But the nice weather is back, and so are the expectations. Not just from other people, but from myself. Winter is often about survival. Spring is about wanting more. And I do want more. I want to find Morgan. I want deeper friendships with people who understand me. I want my writing to reach people. But I may not get any of those things. At least not any time soon. There's a pressure building in me, whether I like it or not, for things to change. For finishing a book to be more than finishing a book. For it to be some kind of catalyst in my life. To break free of the ten-year cycle. I know who I am, and I know what I want. I want to move forward. But I need to move forward my way, at my pace. Towards what I want, not what others think is best for me. That's what winter taught me. To take better care of myself.

I decided at the beginning of winter to figure out what was good about it. To let time go forward and not fight the seasons so harshly. Now, I need to figure out what spring can offer. I don't know what that will be yet, but I don't want to forget what winter gave me in the process. I want to learn to appreciate each season for what it is and respect the flow of time, working with it instead of against it. Wish me luck.

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